Page 62 of Guarding Over You
“Are you hiding them from me? I haven’t seen anything else.”
“I’m not hiding anything. So far, when I see you, I’m fine. I mean it. We are always going to have a rough one. It happens in our line of work. I go home, workout, take a long shower, distract my mind. I get out of it fast enough to be sharp for the next shift.”
Which wasn’t healthy, but he didn’t need her to say that. He was smart enough to know himself.
This wasn’t about lecturing. It was about being there and opening up.
“How was Kristin when you ended things?”
“Fine. She said it wasn’t working for her either and hoped she wouldn’t have to be the one to end it. She wasn’t good at that.”
“Bitch.” She slapped her hand in front of her mouth. “Sorry.”
“I might have thought the same thing. She took the easy way out. It made me realize I was only torturing myself by trying to make it work or hanging on not to hurt her.”
“Guess we have that in common.”
“No,” he said. “Not to piss you off, but if I had a child, I would have done things differently. Either worked harder or ended it sooner. I wouldn’t have been passive aggressive like we were being.” He held his hand up when she went to speak. “I’mnotsaying that you did that. Don’t mistake those words. I’m talking about me and my relationship.”
“Glad you cleared that up.”
She released the pressure on his finger that he’d obviously felt when those words came out. A tension she couldn’t control or hide even if she hadn’t spoken a word.
“I’m just saying I was as guilty as her in how I handled things. Your situation is different.”
“It is. It was. I’ve made mistakes.”
“We all have.”
And she didn’t want to get back to her drama. “That’s it? That’s all you want to share? I know you’ve been in other relationships.”
“That was the one that left the most lasting impact. The last serious one I had. I’ve dated on and off in the past several years. A few months here or there, but most get sick of me not beingaround. I can only give them so much. I’m not being an ass, but stating a fact.”
“I understand that about you. And because I’ve got so much going on in my life and a child, it works for me. I’m jumping back into this slowly.”
“I see and recognize that. Could be why it’s working so well. Or don’t you think that?”
“It’s working out better than I could have imagined.”
He smiled. “I’m glad.”
“Me too. Makes me feel less like a failure about my life and career.”
“Hey, don’t do that. I see the smile on your face and know you’re joking, but still, there is always a tiny truth to it.”
“I know. It was wrong of me, but I was trying to lighten it some.”
“I get it. I know failure too. You haven’t had someone die on you, or have you?”
She sighed. “No. And I’m willing to bet that if it’s happened to you, it’s not your fault. You can do everything right and everything can still go wrong. I don’t need to remind you that the body is a mysterious thing that reacts differently all the time, right?”
“No, you don’t. And telling myself that helps but doesn’t lessen the guilt. Doesn’t lessen the memories of those things you couldn’t fix or the people you couldn’t save.”
Arden moved over and sat on his lap again. Not for him to comfort her, but her to give it to him.
He was talking and she wanted him to continue. She wanted him to know that she was there for him too and would be.
Her finger was tracing his chest. “Tell me about it. Just talk. I’m willing to bet you didn’t get to do it when it happened and it’s still eating that hole inside of you.”
