Page 38 of Broken Track
We round the corner and head up the stairs to our building. The dull ache in my chest won’t go away. I can’t tell whether it’s the wind, the sadness, or something deeper, something tangled in memories of Xavier.
I don’t belong here.
I don’t belong in this dorm, in this city, in this life I’ve tried to build without him. The faces of Ashley’s friends, Rush, Redline, Hotflash, and Quickshift, are kind, but unfamiliar, as if they’repart of a different world I’m desperately trying to live in. But all I feel is the distance. The distance from everything and everyone that matters.
I walk into our dorm with my head down, hoping for a quiet night. Maybe I’ll sleep it off, or at least try. Ashley flops onto her bed, scrolling through her phone while I settle onto mine, curling into myself. I can feel the quiet in the room. My heart is pounding so loudly I think she must hear it.
Then my phone buzzes. I freeze. I know it's probably nothing. I know it’s not him. It never is. But something inside me stirs, a mix of hope and dread. Maybe it’s another spam message or a classmate needing something trivial.
I glance at the screen. Nolan. My stomach twists. What does he want?
I don’t pick up right away, feeling a strange mix of hesitation and curiosity. I take a deep breath, then swipe to answer and hold the phone to my ear.
“Hey, Nol,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady, like I’m not about to crumble.
“Hey, Izzy,” Nolan’s voice is surprisingly soft. “How’s everything?”
I close my eyes, trying to steady myself. “Same. You know. Busy.” I glance at Ashley, who’s pretending not to notice anything’s off.
Nolan’s silence hangs in the air for a moment. “I don’t know if this is weird or if you want to know, but… I thought you should hear it from me.”
My pulse quickens. “What is it?” I whisper.
“Nah, it’s not bad, but Xavier’s been going through a tough time, Iz. It’s been hard on him. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t already know that, but... I figured you should hear it. He’s been talking about you, asking how you’re doing. He’s been, well... struggling.”
My chest tightens, a sharp, painful pull. "Struggling?" I echo, my voice hoarse.
“Yeah.” Nolan sighs. “He’s been quieter than usual, pulling away from everyone. I think he’s got a lot on his mind. A lot of stuff he’s holding onto, things he won’t really talk about. You know, the usual stuff. He’s in a bad place, Iz.”
I press my hand to my forehead. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to ask why. Why didn't he reach out? Why did he let me walk away without a word? Why did he let it go on this long?
"Why are you telling me this?" I ask, my voice cracking. Tears well in my eyes, but I force them back, gripping the phone tighter as if it’ll somehow give me answers.
“Because, well…” Nolan’s voice softens, and I hear the discomfort in his tone. “Because I know what it’s like. You two were…” He trails off, leaving the unspoken words hanging between us. We were something. We were everything. And now we’re nothing.
I stay silent for a long time. Nolan's words spin in my mind, each one heavier than the last. I want to reach out. I want to fix it. But I’m afraid. Afraid of what it would mean if I did. Afraid of what it would mean if he didn’t want me, if the hurt is too deep to heal.
“Thanks for telling me, Nolan,” I manage, my throat tight. I don’t know if I mean it or if it’s what I have to say. “But I don’t know if I can do anything about it.”
Another silence stretches between us, thick with unspoken things. “Just… think about it, Izzy. I don’t know if he’ll reach out, but maybe you should.”
The line goes quiet for a second. I can feel the weight of his words, the reality of them, pressing against me.
"I'll think about it," I whisper. "Thanks."
I end the call, but I don't move. I sit there, staring at the screen, like maybe Xavier will suddenly call. Maybe he’ll apologize. Maybe he’ll tell me he was wrong, that he loves me, that he needs me. But I know it won’t happen. The phone sits still in my lap. The silence is deafening.
Ashley looks at me now, her voice quieter than usual. “You okay?”
I nod, but I don’t think she believes me. Hell, I don’t even believe myself.
“I’m fine,” I lie. I stand up, clutching the phone in my hand, feeling like I’m carrying the weight of a thousand unanswered questions.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to fix this. Part of me wants to pick up the phone and call Xavier, even if he never answers. But the other part, the one terrified of being hurt again, of opening up and finding out he’s really moved on, holds me back.
Ashley looks at me for a moment, sensing the change in the air, but she says nothing. She doesn’t need to. She knows.
“I think I need to be alone for a while,” I whisper, my voice thin.
