Page 71 of Between the Boards
I nod, not trusting my voice enough to speak. He studies me for a moment before he starts driving, and I have a feeling we are far from done with the conversation that was interrupted.
During the drive, I’m almost sure we’re making our way back to The Shredder House, but when he turns on a side road, I realize we’re headed to Saltwater Springs’ famous lookout point that overlooks the whole town.
When we reach the top of the high hill, he parks the truck next to the old willow tree and shuts off the engine, staring out at the town lights below.
“I’m exhausted from pretending not to want you,” he finally says, still focused on the town.
“Colton—”
“I want it to be you and me in the end,” he says, cutting me off. “I keep telling myself not to get attached, and to not let you get attached either.” He looks more pale than usual and very scared.
He runs a hand through his hair, finally turning to look at me. “You make me feel like my life has some meaning,” he says, his voice cracking. “You make it easier to breathe when the world is weighing me down.”
“Colton…” I whisper, my throat tightening with emotion. “You know we can’t…”
He looks pained as he nods, looking away again. “I know,” he says quietly. “If all I’m allowed to have is your friendship then that’s enough for me, Kairi. You’re someone I never want to lose.”
“I’m really sorry Colton,” I whisper, my voice cracking now. “I feel like I led you on somehow, and even punished you by asking for sex?—”
“Don’t,” he says firmly. “Don’t apologize. You didn’t lead me on or punish me. I was very much aware that we could never be more than friends.”
“So why…”
He shrugs. “I fell in love with you before I even knew what it was that I was feeling.”
“When did you start having feelings for me?” I ask, my eyes starting to blur.
Colton chuckles humourlessly as he looks out his window. “It’s been a couple years now.”
My heart skips a beat. “A couple years?” I whisper, turning to look at him just as a tear spills over and runs down my cheek. “But I asked you—before we agreed to this whole love coaching thing—Iaskedyou if there were any unshared feelings on your end!”
He looks at me with a sad smile that hurts my heart to look at. “You did ask that,” he reassures me, reaching over and wiping my tear away with his thumb, but it’s quickly replaced by another tear, and another. “But I never actually gave you an answer. I wasn’t ready for you to know.”
I feel so stupid for not realizing how easily he evaded answering me at the time. All of this could have been avoided, and now I’m left feeling like I hurt him more than anyone ever has. I roughly wipe away my tears as I hold his stare.
“We should stop,” I say, my voice still shaking. “We should stop the love coaching and fake dating.”
His eyes widen slightly. “Is that really what you want?”
I swallow, my lip trembling. “It is,” I say.
He nods slowly. “Then let’s end it.”
“Okay,” I whisper, unable to look at him.
“Okay,” he whispers back as he starts the engine.
We sit in silence for the rest of the drive back to the house and as he pulls into the driveway I hop out of the truck before he can put it in park and bolt inside, running up the stairs in my shoes and straight to my room where I let the guilt wrap around me.
I was selfish with Colton. I always asked for more and more from him, and I never considered what he wanted, or how any of it was making him feel.
I was stupid; Iamstupid; I don’t deserve him.
And now I’m left not only feeling guilty for turning him down, but also confused because I’d be lying if I said a part of me didn’t want him too. I want him, but it’s not worth risking our friendship over.
Colton deserves someone that will love him right. He should be with someone that is consistent and intentional about how they show him love. And I can’t be that person for him, not while I still have feelings for Zale too.
TWENTY-FOUR
