Page 44 of Lay Me Down
“Your whining is not big enough to concern her!” Alex yells and points at me.
“Okay, settle down. What are you guys arguing about?” I ask again and step further into the room. Daisy stays by my side as I walk up to Damien’s chair.
“He’s pissing and moaning about his damn permissions again,” Zeke says dismissively, and throws his hand in Satori’s direction before he walks over to me.
“No, mother fucker! Someone else needs to have access to basic procedures! Especially if you three half-wits are so determined on continuing operations!”
“For the last time, Satori, contracts are not basic procedures!” Carter yells at him, and I rub my temple as I feel a headache coming on.
“What needs to be done?” I ask softly to try and keep everyone calm. The last thing we need is for Leanne to wake up and start crying again. Damien’s mom has been a wreck since he went missing. She’s constantly either sleeping or crying. Which, I can’t say I’ve done anything different, but as I lay my hand back on my belly, I understand that her pain is different than mine.
Carter turns to face me, and while the motion was quick and full of rage, the moment he locks eyes with me, he softens.
“Ash,” he warns timidly.
“Carter,” I say more definitively, and give him a much more serious look. He takes a deep breath, then pinches the bridge of his nose.
“D normally handles the paperwork with DJ, Tyler, and Emmett, and they’re all due for a renewal. Rotation schedules need to be done. Plus, he has to sign off on payroll details before everyone’s paid. I thought Mel could work around that, but she can’t. He has meetings with the MC, as well as Tyler and DJ, but his schedule and all of the paperwork is locked. The digital map is unlocked, but it doesn’t update until D verifies the entries. The only way to access the information is withhishandprint andhispermissions.Satoriwants me to grant him the same permissions as Damien, but I can’t do that, even if I wanted to.” His voice raises a little at the end, and that’s when he explodes. “WHICH I DON’T! I don’t fucking trust you, Satori!” Carter shoves his finger in Satori’s face, and I actually flinch a little, not expecting that from someone as normally as collected as Carter is.
“If D trusted you to do this shit,hewould’ve done it! Especially if he just up and left like youclaimhe did! He wouldn’t leave us like this!” Alex yells and steps beside Carter to back him up.
“Fuck you! I'm trying to help! Someone has to think of everyone else! NotjustDamien!” Satori yells back.
“Enough! All of you!” I yell, and I’m met with wide eyes across the room. After a few heavy breaths from everyone, including myself, I decide to sit down in Damien’s chair. While it’s the same as all of the others, it’s warmer somehow. It engulfs me like he always did, and I can’t help but sink back into it. His laptop sits directly in front of me, looking shiny and a little wonky with the large handprint reader jutting out from the side.
“I’ve tried to get in it, Ash. We’ll get everything figured out. I can call everyone and see what they were discussing, and we can go back to a paper map if we have to. No one is changing anything.” Carter’s reassurance falls on deaf ears. I don’t answer him. I just stare at the laptop. Everything is on this one computer. DH doesn't run efficiently without Damien’s leadership, and this setup is proof of that. It doesn’t even turn on until his handprint is scanned. I know that it's a security measure, but his absence affects more than justourlives. A lot has happened in the past few days, but he would never leave his men this way. He’d never leave DH in such disarray.
I imagine what he would want me to do. What he would say in this situation. Granted, if he was here, this wouldn't be happening, but all I have to go on are memories and what-ifs. He's always said that this is our home—our kingdom. The ‘what to do if I’m not around’ conversation never happened, but he was always sure to remind me that all of this wasours. His voice echoes in my head, and I can hear his perfect words as if he’d just said them.
“This is your fucking kingdom, baby. You rule over it just as much as I do. I will take this army and wage wars in your name. I command this army, but you just remember who has all of the real power here. It’s you.”
God, I miss his voice… I miss how he always knew exactly what to say. He isn’t one to sugarcoat anything, and his emotions are always so raw that they can’t help but leave a lasting impression. He’s permanently etched into every fiber of my being, and no matter what direction my body moves, it pushes on with pieces of him.
“THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS ROOM WHO HAS AS MUCH AUTHORITY HERE AS ME, IS HER!”
A warm feeling of anticipation cascades down my body, and as tears fill my eyes again, I hiccup. It comes out as a distortedchuckle, though, and I just shake my head—knowing how insane I sound.
“You’re crazy, you know that?” I whisper to myself, and think of a time, not so long ago, when I was actually speaking tohim.
“Ash?” Carter draws my attention, and I can’t help but smile up at him sadly. I move slowly, like if I did it with confidence, the laptop would explode. My hand lays on the scanner, and I look back down to watch it. It blinks to life before the blue ray slowly and methodically examines my hand.
I don’t tear my eyes away. This is something I need to witness for my own sanity. I need to know that I'm not crazy—that this overwhelming devotion I have for my husband isn't misplaced. Satori and anyone else who doubts him need to be proven wrong. If this doesn’t show how loyal Damien is to those he loves, then I’m not sure anything else could. The beam moves agonizingly slow, and the anticipation might make me vomit. I’m not sure what it would mean if I was wrong, but something deep down inside of me knows that I’m not.
Once it finally gets to the bottom of my palm, the entire surface lights up green, and the computer screen blinks to life. A wave of relief, endearment, and pure adoration crashes through me, creating more tears behind my now-closed eyes. I knew he wouldn’t leave me—he wouldn't leave any of us. Knowing that he trusts me enough to enable me in the system like this iseverything. It’s just as meaningful as the ring set on my left hand, because this organization, and these men, are a part of who he is.
He truly meant it when he said that every piece of him belongs to me. Damien proved his commitment, once again, and that perfect man didn’t even have to be here for it.
“I fucking knew it! I called it!” Alex whoops, making me look over at him, and then he freezes like he’s embarrassed. He lets his arm fall back to his side and clears his throat. “My bad, Ash.”
Zeke playfully slaps him on the back of the head, and Satori steps up to me. His gaze is a little softer now, but there’s clearly still some aggravation lingering—like he really wasn’t expecting this. There’s a hostility in his motives, and while I may not be able to pinpoint it yet, I know it’s something we’re going to have to watch out for. He places his hand on the back of the chair next to me in a serious, but silent, demand for attention.
“Ashia. I just want to help. Please, let me assist insomeway. The facts still haven’t changed, and I know that you don’t want to believe it, but someone needs to—”
“I’m going to stop you right there.” I cut him off and take a deep breath, gathering whatever courage is buried deep down to stand up to him. “I know what you’re going to say, and I don’t want to hear it. I understand that the system logs say one thing, but you’re not hearing me when I say that I don’t care.Someonemade it look like he did this.Someonemade it look like Damien just up and left. But all of us that know him? We know for a damn fact that it isn’t true. You don’t know him like we do. So, I get your reservations, and you may be thinking rationally, but whenever it comes to Damien, nothing is coherent. Please, just…stop with the bullshit theories. If you truly want to help us, then stop fighting us.”
He clenches his jaw just a little, and I barely notice how he grips the chair tighter. His gaze drops down to the floor like he’s deep in thought. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in his shoes, and I certainly don’t know what it’s like to run an organization like this alone, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior—or this resentment. As much as we don’t like it, Satori isn’t going anywhere. We need to be able to utilize him, or it’s only going to slow us down.
“If we’re going to find Damien and keep this organization afloat, then we need to work together. Not against each other,” Isay a little more confidently. Satori picks his head up and looks at me with a softer tension.
