Page 27 of Lay Me Down
“You’re not exactly opening up either, Damien!”
“I don’t care howIfeel about it! It didn’t happen to me!”
“It might as well have!” I take a deep breath and stand a little straighter. “Look at you! You’ve been torturing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault!”
“Itismy fault!Ifell for their trap!Iwasn’t there when they took you!Ididn’t find you in time!” He bangs his palm to his chest, almost like if he hurts himself, I’ll be in less pain, and I finally snap.
“It’s not your fault I wasn’t strong enough, Damien!” I yell without thinking and immediately cover my mouth like I could take it back. My stomach climbs into my throat. I’ve been so careful and picky with my words, and now my body floods with regret.
His movements halt so abruptly that I’m not sure he’s breathing. His eyes bore into mine, and his face contorts as if I physically struck him. Water pools on his bottom eyelids, and the sight makes my heart twist like a wrung towel. I might as well have shot him in the chest with what I just said.
“You blame yourself for this?” he shakily asks, and my throat constricts. A tear falls down his cheek, and mine follows suit as a steady trickle.
We stand there, completely frozen, like if either of us moved even an inch, it would blow up everything around us. His tears break something in me. That lone drop of water will forever be imprinted on my mind, stored and shelved as a single symbol of my shame. I just shattered his heart with only eight words, and I’m not sure I can ever repair it.
I swallow harshly and try to find the resolve to kneel down and pick up the pieces.
“It’s not your fault, baby…” I strain to say through a suppressed sob, and when my voice cracks, another tear rolls down his face. “It’s mine…” He tries to step forward, to lessen the distance between us, but I shake my head, and that forces him to stop. “I continuously break you with my vulnerability.Every time I heal, it happens again. It’s like the universe wants to beat me down until I'm nothing but ashes, and I let it happen. Over and over, I just remain a victim. You taught me better than that, but I wasn’t strong enough. You constantly call yourself a failure, butI’mthe one that wasn’t enough.” A sob slips free, and I have to pull in a sharp breath to get this out. “I fought, and I failed… I failed myself, and I failed you…”
He storms over, closing the distance in only two strides, and wraps his arms around me. His grip is so tight that I struggle to pull in a breath, so I just bury my face in his chest instead. Shakes consume his body, and even as he tries to nudge into my neck, I can’t bear to look up at him. I can’t stomach seeing the misery on his face, and if I see one more tear fall from his glitchy eyes, I might die right then. He pulls back enough for me to feel the air conditioning on my cheeks, but it’s quickly replaced with the heat from his palms as he forces my head up.
“Don’t you ever fucking say that. Don’t think it. You couldneverfail me. You didnotfail yourself.” He it says with such confidence that I almost believe him. He doesn’t lie to anyone but himself, and the fact that he believes in what he’s saying is just a testament to how well he’s deceived his own mind.
“Sometimes I wonder how you could still love me,” I admit quietly, and continue to cry. Now that the dam is broken, I can’t seem to stop it. He frantically moves to wipe the tears away, as if he could keep up with them. “Someone as strong as you doesn’t need someone as weak as me…”
“You are not weak,” he interrupts. “Far from it, baby. You are so powerful that I crumble under your strength. You’re right about one thing. The universe has looked at you and used you as its personal toy. But after the blows it gives you? You stand tall and dare it to fuck with you again—as if it had the ability to sway your divinity,” he says with such conviction that his pupils constrict, and it sends a tremor through my spine. “I’ve said itbefore, and I’ll say it again. You are my pillar of strength—the only thing that holds me up. Your strength could cause suns to collapse, and that's why the universe can't help but try and tear you down…because it'sterrifiedof you, and itshouldbe.”
I try to shake my head and slip from his hold, but he remains strong to keep me in place. His grip is suffocating, allowing only the air he wants me to breathe in. It flows through me like it’s trying to give me a new life, and the eerie cold that’s made its way through my body for the past several weeks starts to thaw.
“You aremyfucking queen, and I will wage wars with the cosmos in your honor to avenge you. The stars in my universe align to the image of you, and by the time I'm done and the war is finished, they will bow to you andonlyyou. If the Gods want to continue to send men to destroy you? If that’s what you’re afraid of, I will use every breath I take and scour the earth until I destroy them all. If that’s what it’s going to take for you to feel in control again, that will be my new mission. My only. Mylast. That way, when the last one is in the ground, my love for you will be all that’s left. Then, I’ll hand you my knife so you can finish the job. Not because you failed me, but becauseIfailedyou.”
“Damien—”
“I did, and I know you don’t blame me, but you should. You shouldhateme, and I'm encouraging you to. Hate me. Blame me.”
He moves one hand off my face and reaches down, only for a silver glint to catch my eye as he pulls back. In only a second, he forces the handle of his knife into my hand and pulls it up to his throat. The blade is pressing against his skin so harshly that he starts to dribble blood. Alarms blare in my mind and I try to pull back, to stop him somehow, but he keeps us there as he puts himself up for slaughter.
“You need vengeance, and I'll happily give it to you. Kill me. I’d die a thousand times over by your hand if that's what it takes tohealourheart. My soul resides within your chest, and if killing me will take your pain away, you fucking do it! You are myeverything, and ifourheart doesn’t beat freely, then I belong in the ground anyway.”
My knees buckle and I fall to the floor, sobbing. The knife clatters to the hardwoods below, and he catches me just before I make it to the ground, cushioning a harsh blow I know I deserve. His devotion could move mountains, and he deserves nothing less from me. I wish that I could be as strong as him—just as fearless so I can protect him the way he endlessly shields me. It seems the only way I can heal the love of my life is by healing myself, and while I’m not sure how, I have to find a way through these feelings.
His arms tighten around me again, and he sets me down between his legs as he falls with me—creating a protective bubble with his own body like he could shield me from anything. Our chests move with one another as we soak in our shared pain, and we hold onto each other with desperate grips. We’ve both gained so much in the time we’ve been together, and the fear of losing that is consuming us.
I take a few deep breaths and attempt to compose myself, but as his arm settles across my belly, I can’t help but tear up again. Everything I’ve felt since the night I was taken becomes an overbearing weight, and I have to let it out.
“What if I’m not a good mom?” I whisper, unable to hold it in anymore. “What if I’m not strong enough for our baby either?” I meet his stare before he shakes his head, pressing his palm to the side of my check and directing me to relax on his chest.
“Please don’t think that way, baby.” He delivers a small kiss to my forehead and nudges into me, keeping his lips pressed against my skin. “Our baby is so lucky to have you. We both are.” He pulls back to look down at me, and his hand lightly rakes against my scalp. “You are doing everything right, and the loveyou already have for our child? That should tell you all that you need to know.”
I nod and melt against him as he cradles my face. He keeps his other arm wrapped around me and holds me in that all-consuming way that somehow fixes everything. His thumb swipes under my left eye, and the gentle touch soothes the trembling of my lips.
“What can I do? I’ll do anything to make you whole again. Just name it,” he whispers, and I catch myself leaning into his palm, needing the warmth now more than ever.
“Stop being so reckless. Please? I… I need you here with me. There isn’t a single scenario where I could bear to lose you, but especially not while we’re both so broken. I can’t lose you, okay? Just start there,” I plead, and he nods without hesitation. The immediate acceptance loosens the muscles in my chest, and I take another deep breath to revel in it.
“I promise. I will do better.” He rests his head against mine and continues to hold me in a way that will fuse us together. Now that our own voices have lowered, I can hear the others yelling outside. The two that stand out the most are Zeke and Satori, and just as I try to lift my head and listen to what they’re saying, Damien just pushes it back down. His large hand covers my ear, and because my other one is pressed against his chest, I can’t hear anything.
And something tells me it’s for the better.
