Page 84 of Lay Me Down
I've managed to fuck this entire investigation up. I’ve been wrong at every turn, and now I’m lost. There’s no guidance, no instructions, and nothing that I can easily follow. John is the only one who understands their games, and I almost got him killed. Damien is likely hanging on by a thread, and there’s nothing I can do. I want to use our connection and follow it anywhere. A part of me really believes that if he were closeenough, that he could lead me by that alone, but I know the devastating truth. That’s just not possible.
As I pick my head up from the door, I notice the blood now coating it. The sight only infuriates me even more. It proves that I’m not cut out for this. I can't even kill someone right. Now there’s more to clean up, more evidence, and we got nothing from it! I should’ve tortured him. There had to have been something that he could give us if I had only given him the right motivation. But now, I’ll never know.
Instinctively, I reach and cut the faucet on to start washing my hands. Blood swirls with the water and runs down the sink, which makes me rub my hands together even harder. This disgusting feeling just won’t go away. My skin is still crawling. The water just continues to get darker and darker, and I just get even angrier. How fucking long does this take? Why the hell did I make such a mess? There are easier ways to kill someone, and I should've thought before I acted. I'm not thinking clearly, and it's costing Damien even more time in the hands of that disgusting couple! My husband is in excruciating pain because I just can't get it together!
A soft knock comes from the door, but I continue to wash myself. I can’t see them yet. They counted on this just as much as I did, and I can’t bring myself to look at the disappointment in their eyes. Daisy moves to stand in front of me. She continues to whine as she looks up at me, almost like she’s disappointed too, and more tears stream down my face. Of course, I’ve only made her more upset as well. I pat her head with a wet hand, hoping to comfort her in some way, but when she nudges into my palm, I just feel even worse.
“Ash? Come on, let me in,” Zeke pleads softly, and I hesitate. My eyes meet my reflection in the tiny hanging mirror, and I can see the dread there. I know what he's going to say. Iknowwhatthis means. Blood splatter covers my forehead and cheeks, and I know that this will be the last time he lets me work.
It can't be the last. I didn’t find him…
I made a mess. The water and blood are splashed all along the sides of the bowl and the wall, and I've barely touched my arms yet. I’ve covered myself in sin, and it won’t wash away. I'm a complete wreck, and now I just mirror the destruction around me.
“I'm… I’m not ready…” I whisper, and I hate how my voice cracks. Tears continue to run down my face, and as the door creaks open, I brace myself for the inevitable. My brother steps inside the bathroom and gently closes the door behind him, but it rings against the silence like a death toll. I can feel the pity radiating off of him. There’s a new heaviness of unspoken words, and I can feel the weight of his decision. It’s looming over us both, and I know once he speaks, everything will come crashing down.
His hands find the tops of my arms, and he turns me to face him in one smooth motion. A towel appears in front of my eyes, and I'm shocked as he starts to gently wipe the blood away. He doesn't say anything yet. He doesn't have to. We both feel the disappointment lingering in the air, and we’re just going to sulk in it for a moment. With each gentle swipe, another tear falls from my eyes, and when he finally can't keep up with them, he cups my face in one of his hands.
“Ash…”
I shake my head, hating how his grip remains firm.
“Don't say it. Please? Not yet. I'm not—” I hiccup and take a deep breath. “I'm not done yet…”
“Yes, you are.” He goes back to wiping my face and neck with the towel. “I can feel your pulse just by holding your jaw, Ashia. This isn't good for you or the baby.” His gaze meets mine, and there’s a moment of reluctance before he tears it away again.He shakes his head, like he’s talking himself out of changing his mind, and then his face hardens again. “I'm calling you off. You're done.”
“No! Zeke, please…”
He shushes me softly, but his grip tightens a little more—forcing me to stay still.
“Just listen to me for a second, okay?” He wipes my hair away from my forehead, knowing that I don’t have much of a choice. I have to bite my lips to keep them from quivering, and I hate how a quiet whimper escapes me anyway. “You are my sister, Ash. You hear me? You aremysister. I’m going to do and say things that you don’t like, but I do it to protect you. This is going to be one of those times.” He uses the rag to wipe under my eyes again, because I’ve only flooded my face a thousand times since he wiped them last. “And D? He's my brother. He's family that I chose long before I knew I even had one. Alex, Carter, Ezra, and the rest of our men all feel the same way.None of usare going to give up until we have him back. Okay? You do not have to do all of this, Ashia. We are not going to give up on him, but youcannotgive up on yourself. Alright? Remember what you promised.” He takes my hand and lays it on my belly. “This comes first. Always.”
That warm feeling sparks in my chest when I feel my belly, and I instantly feel like shit. I know he’s right. This is not doing anything to help them. As much as I hate it, there has to be a line in the sand. My baby comes first. It’s not a matter ofwantanymore. Ihaveto stop, but it hurts so fucking much… Damien would never give up on me—no matter what. How am I supposed to give up on him? How could I ever stop looking for him? I won’t stop…but I’ll just have to look from the sidelines for a while…
I release my lips to draw in some air, and then I nod weakly. My white flag of surrender is blowing in the smoke of my demise,but I bow down, nonetheless. Zeke cups his other hand to my face, and he picks my chin up.
“You are a mom, Ash. Okay? It doesn’t matter that they’re not born yet. You. Are. A.Mom. Ours may have been shit, but you have the chance to be better. What you have growing inside of you is a part of Damien, and he would want you two to be safe and healthy—no matter what that meant for him. Stepping back does not mean giving up. We've all got you, alright? But the only one that has that baby right now isyou. You are the strongest woman I know, sis. Be strong for your baby, yeah?” Zeke says softly, and I nod again, no matter how harshly my heart is breaking. “Carter is already driving over to pick us up. We're done here. I'm going to take you home, and you're not leaving your bed for a while. Got it?”
“Okay…” I whisper, reluctantly accepting his command, and he reaches to turn the faucet off for me.
Is there really a rock bottom, or does it just keep going and going like some bottomless pit? I’m free-falling through an endless loop of despair and anger. The bathroom starts to spin again, mimicking how the swimming in my head feels, and I have to lean against the sink. The baby moves softly in my belly, and I take that as my final, checkered flag. The moment he said I was done, it’s like my internal switch flipped to ‘off,’ and all of my energy disappeared.
I just hope that doesn’t mean Damien is gone, too.
Chapter 35
Carter
We're only about thirty minutes into our three-and-a-half-hour drive back home, and Ash is already asleep in the passenger seat. Zeke packed a hoodie, thankfully, so she doesn't have to sit in a blood-soaked shirt for the next few hours. Tonight did not turn out how we hoped it would, but that's at least one more problem off the list. Alex said the clean-up was easy, regardless of the mess, and Ezra swiped Popov’s phone and tablet. I'll run it through my analysis software overnight, but I really don't think it'll get us anywhere.
“Does the dog really need her own seat?” Ezra complains from the back, and I roll my eyes. Daisy is sitting between him and Chris in the full, third-row bench. So, most likely, there’s plenty of room and he’s just whining. I know she's a big dog, but I didn't want to risk putting her in the trunk and getting hurt. He's just going to have to suck it up.
“Yes. She needs to be close by in case Ash needs her,” Alex answers for me.
“She needs a damn bath!” Ezra whines.
“Hey,” Zeke snaps and whips his head around to look at him. “Shut the fuck up. If you wake Ashia, I'll break your nose. She’s just a dog. Deal with it.”
“Well, why don'tyousit back here with her, then?”
