Page 51 of Hold Me Down
“Yeah, me neither.” I catch myself chuckling with her this time.
“Now, tell me something you can see.”
I glance towards the way I came, noticing the same lights and people walking in the distance.
“Bright lights from the rides. They’re almost blinding, but they’re flashing all sorts of different colors.”
“Anything else?” she asks curiously. I shift my gaze to the other direction, diverting from the chaotic fun inside the fairgrounds. The night sky is visible this way, barely showing the ridge of the rolling hills.
“The mountains. I can’t see any stars if I look straight up, but if I look out there, the tops are riddled with them. The ridgeline kind of looks like waves underneath the sky.”
“That sounds beautiful.” Her tone is wonderous and proud, like for the first time in what seems like forever, I’ve said all the right things.
“It’s not near as captivating as you,” I reply honestly, and then all I can hear is her soft breathing. Each breath sends a relaxing pulse through my body, easing the rest of the strain in my limbs.
“How do you feel now?” Her tone is cautious, like she’s afraid she’s poking a bear.
My lungs take another deep fill of air, and as I release it, I look back down. The bodies lying in front of me are no longer guarded by ghosts, and I gasp softly, realizing the voices are gone. They’re not hiding behind the music or whispering to me anymore. There’s nothing. I can hear the crickets that decided to sing at some point in the night that I didn’t hear before. My head feels still, as if I’ve overcome the lingering vertigo once and for all. I’m lighter. There’s still a mist of anticipation crowding around me, but I feel like I can stand without something trying to pull me back down.
“Much better…” I whisper, hating how I choke up. She groans angelically in quiet approval, and I let a tear slip at the sound. “You are my God-given solace, little wolf.”
“No, Damien. You did all of that by yourself.Youchose to see the good things surrounding you. You could have told me about the lives you took, or what the reason was, and every detail of that, but you didn’t. You chose to see, hear, and feel the goodthings. That’s allyou, baby. All of the bad is still there, but you choseyourself, and that’s the most important thing.”
My fucking chest explodes. The air around me isn’t cold anymore, and my body feels languid, like if I laid down right here, I would fall asleep and float away.
“Just keep choosing the good things…” I whisper to myself, realizing that’s what I should have done all along. There was so much bad. I didn’t think I could just look past it. It doesn’t mean that it goes away, or that all of the trouble disappears, but I’ve let it consume me—let it block out everything I’m fighting for. “I fucking love you, Ashia. So. God. Damn. Much.”
She pauses for a moment, letting out only a shaky sigh before she speaks.
“I love you too, Damien.” Her voice is soft but strong, filled with absolution. It flows easily, even through the phone, and I know I’ll be able to hear those five words until the end of time. I’ve always been able to hear them. Even when their voices threatened to consume me, she was always battling to push through them.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so—”
“Don’t do that,” she interrupts again, but her tone isn’t harsh. It’s calm and full of understanding. “You don’t need to apologize for anything, okay? You have donenothingwrong.”
That immediately makes me feel like shit, knowing what I’ve done and what I continue to hide from her.
“Well, I'm going to anyway,” I retort, knowing what needs to be done.
“Stubborn ass,” she jokes, and I can’t help but chuckle another time. “Be careful, okay? I'll see you when you get home.”
“Damn right you will.” She giggles at me again and fuck, I think I’m going to pass out from the sound.
“Bye, baby.” The line clicks, and I let my hand fall to the ground. My head is finally filled with nothing but her once again.Her smile, her laugh, even how she rolls her eyes. This is far from over, and I’m sure I’ll have more trouble ahead, but all I can focus on in this moment is how much I love my wife.
I have to tell her. Ithasto be tonight. I can’t hide anything from her anymore, not like this. Once again, she’s proven that she just wants to understand. She wants to help me. Shelovesme as much as I love her, and Iknowour connection is unconditional. It’ll be tough and hard for her to hear, but I can’t keep it from her anymore. I don’t know when I started guarding myself from her regality, but it’s time I rip myself back open—show her that no matter what, she truly owns every part of me. She owns the bad parts too, if she’ll have them.
She is mine.
And I am hers.
Completely and wholly hers.
Alex and Zeke finally walk into view, like they purposely stayed away. Alex’s face is creased with worry, and he looks like he’s actually sweating a bit. Then there’s Zeke, who’s striding up with a smug face, like he had bet on something and won.
“Are you good, D?” Alex asks in that frantic, concerned tone. I stretch my body out as I stand, somehow feeling like an entirely new person. A small, victorious grin pulls at the corner of my lips.
“Yeah, actually. I'm fine.”
