Page 46 of Hold Me Down
No. No, go away. Not now.
She reaches the main floor, trying to make her way over to me without being rude. Her arms find Richard and my mother in quick hugs that were practically forced upon her, before she continues to weave her way through everyone else. The room feels much too small in an instant. Everyone is crowding her, and while I know I won’t lose sight of her, I’m afraid to blink. I step away from Serena, desperate to meet her halfway. She’ll silence them. I’ll be able to push them away, and then we can get back to the afternoon she deserves.
Unworthy…
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
We finally get close enough, and I don’t give her a moment to breathe. I snatch her hand and pull her against me, instantly relaxing the moment I can feel her warmth. The voices hush to whisper, like her presence alone scares them, and I try like hell to keep a straight face.
“You did all of this?” Her tone is filled with wonder, like she can’t believe we would put all of this together for her. She looks up at me with sweet eyes and a weightless face. The exhaustion and sadness that’s coated her features the past several weeks has vanished, making my heart flutter.
“Serena helped,” I admit bashfully, knowing it’s not enough. She immediately casts those thoughts away by smiling even wider, so brightly that her eyes twinkle.
“There are so many flowers.” She giggles one of those bubbly, genuine laughs, and it melts and breaks me all at once. She’searned so much more. I wanted to prove that she deserves good things, a huge show of what she means to me. She’s my queen and should be treated as such. Gold should have been laid at her feet, yet she’s picking up my scraps and deeming it worthy.
Failure…
“They’re still not as beautiful as you,” I whisper, knowing how corny I sound, but it’s the truth. Her allure goes past her facial structure and eye color. It’s everything.She’severything. This world’s elegance was captured and gifted to one angel—myangel.
She reaches up on her toes and pulls me down to meet her, kissing me so softly that I have to tighten my grip just so I don’t pass out and take her with me.
“Ash! Do you want paranormal or slasher vibes?” Serena asks from across the living room so loudly that her voice booms over everyone else. Irritation skitters across my skin, hating how she’s trying to pull my wife’s attention away from me, so I grip her tighter and don’t let her look away initially. Ashia chuckles against my lips, forcing a small, sad grin to creep in the corners of my mouth before she leans back to look at her friend.
“Slasher, always,” she jokes and pulls me with her, leading me into the living space. Our spot is right in the middle, where the coffee table normally sits. She’ll believe it’s nothing but a fluff and blanket covered place just for us, but it’s part of my plan.
Well,ourplan.
Dr. Von helped me come up with coping strategies for this. We’re going to cuddle up in the middle of everyone else, so I know we’re surrounded by friends and not foes, hoping to trick my mind into knowing we’re safe. I knew Ashia would want to watch a horror movie, and even though Dr. Von advised me not to—because of all of the lights and sounds—I wasn’t about to deny my wife. I wanted to be prepared for every possibility today. Hopefully my planning is enough.
Weak…
I tried… I tried so fucking hard… I flashed my best fake smile, desperate to be the man that she remembers. Everyone was talking and laughing, having a great time that ultimately lead to my heart racing. It was nothing. It should’ve beennothing. We were surrounded by everyone we love, not the enemy. But when everyone crowded around her and the heat of the candles on her cake whipped across my skin, I almost lost it. Ididlose it.
In an instant, my entire body burned. Every scar came alive, making my body tense and cramp at the memories. My father stared at me like he knew exactly what was happening, and once other eyes started to follow, I had to walk away. The impulse to lash out and attack the pain crashed into me, washing over me like an unstoppable wave. I wanted to fight against things that I couldn’t see—things that I couldn’t control. The thoughts kept creeping in, and while I wanted to give her the one thing she wanted more than anything else in this world, I just couldn’t.
My eyes remain on her angelic form, counting each deep breath instead of sheep. Watching her sleep is one of my favorite things, even now. I can see her at peace, when her mind doesn’t wander and all of the anger has disappeared. The way her chest rises and falls reminds me of wading water, so soft and fluid, like a settled current after a storm. Her hair lays weightless against the pillows, almost floating, and dark lashes stand out against her smooth skin. She is perfection sculpted as human, divinity masked by skin. That’s how God damned her, though, with a heart so soft and fragile, just to be given to someone that would shatter her like glass—me.
Maybe it’s time to accept what’s standing right before me. The man she fell in love with is gone. I don’t feel him anymore, no matter how hard I search for him. The whispers are now screams, the nightmares are now a reality, and the voices come from all directions. They’ve covered every last piece of me, trying to shield me from her, and they’ve succeeded. We came together, just as fate deemed we should, and now it’s trying to tear us apart. I don’t want it to. I’ve never felt so close, yet so far away from her. The truth hangs between us on its last limb, threatening to drop when I least expect it, and I’m trying to break through before it does. I see how she stands on the other side of it: tall with open arms, waiting for me to step into them. It’s a heaven I can’t reach.
The pride she feels for me remains on her face, no matter how many times I fall back into the darkness. All I have to do is take a step, and she beams like I’ve accomplished something great. It’s misplaced. That look is the same as I had hoped to see in our daughter’s eyes, but I know I’ll never see it. Both of my girls will be forced to live a life of delusion, thinking the man in their life is good and just. More than anything, I want to live up to it. I want them to see the love I have for them, not the darkness that lies just under my skin. I want to be my daughter’s hero, not what haunts her dreams.
But instead, her father is a coward. A liar. A killer. Worst of all, no matter what I do or how hard I try to push it away, the urge to do it again is still there. I want Saconne’s head on a platter. I want to string Avery’s body from the tallest building in the city and show every living soul that he didn’t get the best of me—of us. Every bad thing that could possibly cross my family’s path needs to be laid to waste. I just don’t know who first to go afterwards—them or myself.
I gently move down the bed, careful not to wake Ashia from what I’m sure is one of the few full rests she’s had, and stop ather stomach. As I pull the blanket down just enough to uncover her belly, I see the outside of her skin move like a waterbed, showing the obvious signs that the baby is awake. I put my hand on the curve of perfection and feel the movement beneath my palm.
How could my tainted DNA help create something so beautiful? So innocent, yet strong? Shehasto get those traits from her mother… I imagine our little girl to be so much like her, so courageous and strong-willed. Nothing will get in her way, not even me. I know her heart will be as genuine as Ashia’s, too, and that terrifies me. She needs to know that no matter when my mind dies, or how lost I’ll become in this darkness, my love for them will always remain. It willalwaysprevail. I’ll protect her with my life, even if I’m not worthy of living it.
My soul was laid at their feet the moment I first glanced at her mother through that window. I knew then that I no longer belonged to myself. Ashia captured me with something as much as a look, and the moment I learned of our baby’s existence, my world doubled. My soul grew large enough to be consumed by them both. Even if I can never be who I was, I need them to know that I’m theirs to command—that they’re mine to protect, to cherish.
“Hey, Princess…” I whisper into Ashia’s belly, resting my forehead on her soft skin. Our baby girl continues to whoosh and bubble beneath it, warming and squeezing my chest. I continue to stroke her stomach, hoping to calm her down and keep her mom asleep. “I’m…” I swallow harshly and clench my teeth, trying to pull myself together with no avail. My eyes burn with unshed tears, fighting to break the surface of my pain. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby girl…”
A whimper escapes my trembling lips, and weakness crushes my throat, allowing the tears to escape and run down my cheek. I wrap my arm around Ashia’s belly, wishing more than anythingin the world that I could hold them both in this moment. I want to hold them close as I search for myself, so when the time comes to meet her, I’ll be ready and waiting—exactly who she needs. I’m running out of time… I can’t disappoint her…
“I’m so sorry that your daddy is so fucked up…that I couldn’t hold on.” I bury my face into her skin a little more, desperate to feel our baby’s strength. “I want to find him… I’ll scour the earth until I can be the father you deserve…” I lightly caress her stomach, hoping more than anything that the baby can feel me here. “Please… Please, don’t meet me like this… I don’t want you to realize that Daddy is gone… I wish I could tell you I’ll be that man by the time you arrive, but I don’t know if he’s coming back, and I’m just… I’m just so fucking sorry…”
Sobs shake my shoulders unwillingly, and I try to suppress them. Despair is clawing at me, and I just want to scream. If I knew this pain wouldn’t just build back up, I would shout the words until my throat swells. I would allow the tears to stream until there was nothing left. If it wouldn’t break my wife’s heart, I would stay in this spot until I withered away. If it wouldn’t hold my two greatest loves back from happy lives, I’d keep them right here until the pain disappeared.
“Please don’t hate me…” I beg one last time. “I love you so much, Princess…”
