Page 102 of Hold Me Down
“That's not true,” I argue back, but he just holds his head between his hands.
“I don’t mean it like that. Fuck! See, this is why I don’t—” He stops and runs his hands through his hair. “I don’t mean it like that. I just mean that you two are starting your lives, one that doesn't includeme.” He pushes past me and stalks around the kitchen island. “I'm happy for you, I really am, but I can't sit here and watch it all damn day. I can’t just be another shadow in your lives, not when Taylor’s lying six feet under, thousands of miles away from here.” He walks over to the fridge and pulls out a water bottle, probably wishing it’s whiskey. “Alex and Trina are doing the same. Carter is so determined to ‘win’ Serena over that he's becoming insufferable, and that little bitch—” he pointsupstairs “—gets to roam free while her dad continues to live, and what? What am I left with? Some fucking pictures and a hoodie…” He opens the bottle and chugs it, not even stopping to breathe until it's empty. All I can do is stand here and try to think of what to say. “That piece of shit is the reason she’s dead, and I can’t even do anything about it… Nothing but look at his fucking daughter all day.”
I take a small, but deep breath, deciding how to say this carefully.
“Daughters, you mean,” I clarify, knowing exactly what he means. His stare, that I thought was softening, hardens again in an instant.
“Yeah, well, Elizabeth doesn’t count. She's just a kid.”
“Despite your attempts to make both of them hate you?” I tilt my head. He freezes, clearly thinking his answer over once or twice.
“Yeah, well, it’s not very hard for that little demon. Elizabeth will follow in her footsteps in no time.” He throws his water bottle into the trash, using that insane accuracy. I step up to him another time, close enough to ensure no one else can hear us.
“While I'm out, how you run things needs to be on par with what we normally do.” I lean in closer. “But what you do with those resources in your spare time doesn’t mean a damn thing to me.” He finally meets my gaze, then squints his eyes like he's trying to understand. “As long as the streets are covered, and you don’t start anyunnecessarywars, the rest is up to you. Do you understand?”
His eyes widen slightly, probably unsure if he heard me correctly. Apart from the Reaper Protocol, we’ve never discussed a situation that included my absence. Carter is capable of taking over as well, but Zeke has more field experience and Alex is still recovering. They’ll operate as a three-man-lead like they didwhile I was gone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need each other’s permission to work how they see fit.
“Yes…”
“Good. Now get your shit together. I know it’s hard, and I know you have a lot of anger built up, but if I can give youanyadvice? Be careful who you aim that fury towards. This isn’t Ashia’s fault, and giving her the cold shoulder is only going to hurt you both. If you want to move out because you think that’s what’s best for you, then sit her down and talk about it. Don't do something stupid and let her wake up to find her brother gone. That would kill her.” He nods lightly, and I act without thinking, wrapping my arms around him in a solid hug. I hold onto him tightly, wishing I could take an ounce of his grief. “If you don’t want to leave, Zeke, you don’t have to. You are a part of our family. Always. Remember that.”
“I know, D…” he mumbles and hugs me back. I move my mouth to his ear, sure to get my point across as quietly as I can manage.
“Don’t ever make Ashia feel like shit for being happy again. She’s earned it,” I warn him in a low, threatening voice and pull back enough to stare at him. I know how much Zeke loves his sister. That’s never been a question. But right now, she’s vulnerable, and her emotions are all over the place, not to mention her health is finally on the right track. The last thing she needs is for her health, physical or mental, to decline because she’s too worried about Zeke.
He sags defeatedly and just barely nods.
“I know… I’m going to talk to her. She just makes it so hard sometimes, you know? She’s so damn nice and understanding, but I just need her to be on my side.”
“Sheison your side.”
“Then why can’t she just hate her with me? Why can’t someone be angry with me? Victoria shouldn’t just be able to walk around without some type of punishment.”
I take a step back to give him some space.
“It’s not that we’re not angry, Zeke…” I try to empathize with him, but then I stop. This hatred he’s developed for Victoria goes much deeper than revenge. It’s something that’s growing and festering in the wrong environment, one that he’s convinced himself he needs to live in. He’s going to have to dig out his own weeds. “Let me know how you feel once you take care of Avery.”
I turn and walk away, climbing the stairs as quickly as I can. Zeke’s stubbornness is going to cause some major problems one day—perhaps sooner rather than later, but that’s something he needs to learn from. I can’t force him to change how he feels, and I’m not necessarily saying that he should. He has to place his blame somewhere, and I understand that, but I do think it’s laid at the wrong feet.
Before I can turn our bedroom doorknob, Victoria appears in the corner of my vision, standing at the top of the stairs, but behind the wall as to be careful not to be seen. I drop my hand from the door and turn to her.
“You heard?”
“Some of it.” She shrugs. “He makes it kind of hard not to,” she whispers back.
“You can’t blame him. You know that, right?”
“For what? Why does he hate me so much? I mean, hell, ifyoudon’t despise me, why does he?”
I tilt my head and examine her features, shocked by her genuine confusion. My head pounds and scolds me. Have we talked about Taylor that little? Has his avoidance really reached a level so high that Victoria hasn’t even overheard a conversation about her?
“You really don’t know…”
“Don’t know what?” She shakes her head in disbelief. I can’t tell her about Taylor. It’s not my place, and I’m not sure Zeke would even want her to know. As fucked up as it is, he mightneedto hate Victoria. That feeling could be the one thing he can grasp, the sole thing that keeps him grounded. I step up to her and sigh, not really sure what I’m doing, but knowing what Zeke needs.
“I like you,” I blurt out. She just narrows her eyes and the confusion that was growing on her face just deepens.
“I…like you, too?”
