Page 27 of Hold Me Down
“Why don’t you tell me?” I finally reply, and after a small, defeated huff, she pulls a file out of the desk.
“Why are you so afraid to talk to me, Ashia?”
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“Maybe not physically, but you are afraid of what I’ll say. Are you worried that I’ll bring up your past, or are you scared of how an outside perspective views your situation? You had a rough childhood, and that alone is hard to handle, but then you grow up to marry your stalker?” Her words send an electric current through my body, lighting a fire that was already stirring. DeLuca and Saconne used every bit of fuel they could find against him. They used his own self-deprecating thoughts and turned them into weapons. The guilt he already carried—even before he was taken—was eating him alive, and the thought of it getting worse makes me feel sick.
“If she never met you, she would’ve never had to feel this pain.”
“How many dangerous situations have you been in because of me?! How many times could you have died?! You should be running from me! As fast and far away from me as you can! Regardless of how we feel for each other, I'm not good for you!”
Tears pierce my eyes as the fury washes over me, and my protective instincts kick into high gear.
“Fuck you,” I seethe and jump to my feet, not giving her another moment of my time.
“Ashia—”
“No!” I scream at her. “All you need to concern yourself with is helping Damien heal from the torture he endured! You don’t need to psychoanalyze our relationship and make him feel even more guilty when he has no reason to in the first place! Ilovemy husband. There is not a single thing about our relationship that I wouldeverchange. So you can shove your bullshit opinion up your ass!” Without another word or glance, I storm out and slam the door behind me, not caring how it shakes the walls.
The audacity of thatbitch! What does how our relationship started have to do with anything?! She wouldn’t understand! There’s no way that she could comprehend our connection! She wouldn’t understand that I wasneverafraid of him. I’m sure her judgmental mind wouldn’t understand that heseesme. He’s the only one whoeversaw me. The way our souls dance with each other is too complex—too divine—for someone as simple-minded as her to comprehend.
Even as he fights through pain and monsters he can’t see, he does it forme. I can see the aggravation on his face when it hurts to move, or when I subject him to Serena’s monitoring. While the physical toll is starting to pass, the bigger issues continue to tear him down. The aches in his muscles, especially his back, haven’t eased, and even though he’s stable, there’s a lot of otherinternal injuries to worry about. His heart was put under so much strain…and it continues to overwork. It beats for us both, and Dr. Von wants to test its limits. She clearly wants to see what sets him off, regardless of whether he can handle it or not.
I feel like the love of my life is slipping through my fingers, and all she’s worried about is a God damn label! I’m fighting for his mind to match his heart, and she’s focusing on ripping it apart! I want to save him like he did me… Even as he claws at the ground just to reach a breath of air, he still carries me on his back, and I just want to help. It’s my turn… It’smyturn to carryhim… I want to make the voices go away, and she’s fucking feeding them! My hands itch with the urge to rip the bad out of his mind and force my love for him in until it drowns him… But all she can focus on is his guilt!
As I turn the corner to walk back downstairs, I almost run into Carter, who’s walking up from the landing. The way his brows furrow tells me exactly what I look like right now, and everything around me snaps back into place. I can still hear the music blaring from the home gym, and everyone’s presence—especially Victoria’s—rattles my bones. I quickly wipe the burning tears off my face and take a step back around the corner. Carter may have seen me like this, but no one else has, and I need to get my shit together before I move any further.
“Ash? What’s going on?” Carter rounds the corner after me, obviously concerned. I take a few deep breaths in through my nose, trying to steady myself, but I feel stuck between three depressing points: the first being that vile woman’s office, the second is the workout room where Damien is avoiding his trauma like the plague, and the third stands right in front of me. It’s our bedroom door. This psychotic urge to push Damien inside, lock the door, and never let anyone in or out ever again keeps taking over me.
Those first few days he was gone, and there was a question if he left on his own, haunts me… The details of his agonizing time in captivity tortures my soul… Again and again, he has proven that he would rather destroy himself than hurt me. If I locked him in our room, then not only would he be safe from everything that wants to hurt us, but then he couldn’t leave me… The thought alone physically hurts… It’s like my chest rips a little more every time I think of it.
I just love him so God damn much…
“Ashia, come on. Talk to me. You’re freaking me out.” Carter chuckles nervously, and I finally lift my gaze to his.
“I’m fine…” I whisper, battling my stuttered breaths. “I just…need a minute…”
“Do you want me to call Darnell? See if he can bring Daisy back?”
Alex took Daisy back to the Attic yesterday, and I’m not going to lie, I’ve really missed her. I wasn’t able to work her like she needs, though, and I could tell she was starting to get uneasy. Rest is not something Daisy enjoys for long periods of time, and between Damien’s recovery and my blood pressure, we just weren’t able to take her out on missions. Hell, I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with Damien going out again, but I’ve kept that opinion to myself. I look up at Carter and shake my head, still trying to pull myself together.
“Okay…” He raises his arm and rests his hand on my shoulder, giving me a comforting touch. My bottom lip quivers at the contact, and I have to bite it to make it stop. Carter’s grip tightens just a little before he pulls me into a surprising side-hug. His arm wraps around my shoulders, and I hate how good it feels. It’s comforting and completely platonic, only showing his sympathy as our caring friend. He rubs my arm gently, providing me with some much-needed warmth before he pulls back. “Better?”
“Much…” I nod and wipe the tears from my face again. “Are you ready to go over everything?”
“We don’t have to right now, Ash. There aren’t really any developments.”
“What about the bomb on my car?” I ask anyway, needing to distract myself.
“Kade confirmed it was one of theirs, but it’s hard to tell who built it since a lot of them knew how. He’s still conducting interviews, and Alex is there now, overseeing things.” He breathes in harshly and then looks down the stairs, like he’s afraid someone could be listening. “Are you sure we shouldn’t include D? He’s starting to get antsy.”
I shake my head, hating the idea of throwing him back into the fight before he’s ready.
“I'm sure. He’s fought enough, Carter. I just want him to know peace—even if it's just for a while…” I lean back against the wall and rub my belly, feeling our daughter kick and flip. Each tiny nudge brings back glimpses of the bliss we had last night, just before bed.
Damien asked what I envisioned her nursery would look like. When I couldn’t make up my mind, he said he had an idea, but he couldn't tell me yet. I told him that he could do whatever he wants, of course. It was the first time in weeks he actually voiced whathewanted, and I wasn’t about to tell him no. I'm sure whatever he has planned for our baby girl is perfect, and if planning her surprise nursery is what makes him happy right now, then I'm all for it.
I actually saw the light in his eyes when he spoke about it. He even tried to base his palette on how harshly she kicked when he said each color. In that sweet moment, it really felt like we were on the right track—like my husband was poking through the darkness. Then the night took a turn when he woke up the first time from a nightmare…and then again the second time. Whenwe got up this morning, I could see the way he looked around the room, thinking someone was there. I keep catching glimpses of him, only for it to be ripped away from us again. He muttered the words ‘I'm sorry’ just before he woke up the first time, and I don't think my heart has stopped aching sense.
