Page 120 of Untamed Beast
“I deserve to express my emotions through art.”
“There you go,zolotse. Now get your perfect ass back into your studio and show me what you can do.”
38
LEKS
Things should be perfect.
We’re sitting in the garden, leaning against the cherry blossom trees that were in full bloom on the day we married. The shade is a welcome relief from a heavy, warm summer day.
As blissful as this is, I know there’s something wrong. Natalia is not a good actress. Her shoulders are tense against me and she’s chewing her lip in thought.
“There’s something bothering you.”
She’s starting to withdraw, to build up those walls again, looking at me like I’m one of her paintings that she needs to unpack and analyze.
Natalia lets out a breath and nods.
“You’re still keeping something from me, Leks. I want all of it.”
I don’t know how she knows me better than I knowmyself. It’s been in the back of my head. With Maksim gone, I can finally let myself remember it.
The ache that’s been in my chest since I left Russia. The guilt that rips me apart every time I let myself move forwardwith my life.
Knowing, all the while, that he’s suffering. Alone.
My breath gets short as I prepare to tell Natalia the truth.
The truth that might make her leave me.
“When I was in there, it was complicated. One of the therapists, Yulia, she was attracted to me from the start. She would pull me out of the hard labor and chores to spend time with her.”
Natalia’s eyes don’t leave mine.
“That doesn’t sound complicated, Leks. That sounds like someone took advantage of you.”
“It was hardly the worst that anyone got.”
What happened to me wasn’t bad on the grand scale of it. I might have been young, but I knew how to play the situation to my advantage.
“If it wasn’t for Yulia, I would have died after a few years. That’s the fucked up truth of it.”
“Still sounds awful.”
“Actually, it was probably the only reason that I could escape. She would give me extra rations while everyone else was starving. I could escape some of the harsher therapies, the electric shock treatment, by going to her.”
“I’m sorry, Leks.”
Natalia’s eyes are soft and brimming with tears. She brings her hand to my face and strokes over the stubble on my jaw.
I pull her closer to my chest, breathing in the sweet scent of her hair. It’s hard to think about that place, to bring up these memories, when I have something so perfect to focus on here.
I’ve never shared this with anyone. Digging up the past is painful, but I know I’ll never live with myself unless I do.
He’s out there, somewhere in Russia.
“She had a child.”
