Page 156 of Claim Me
"Believe me, I’m still human like anyone else, and I also… want to have the things other people have. It’s just…"
Blue still has his eyes shut. Suddenly, his hand moves very slowly toward mine. He squeezes my fingers.
"I’d want more too, Gabriel, but… I feel… shame. A block. I’m damaged. My body… was mutilated by the accident. Deprived of what made me an omega. You need to know, Ican't feel pleasure, Gabriel. I can’t come. Can’t you understand? That’s why I never chose intimacy. You called yourself a parody of an alpha, but it’s me who is a parody. A parody of an omega."
I blink, suddenly what I saw during my glasses-hacking session makes sense. So he can't… orgasm? He tried, but he couldn't?
For a strange reason it not only doesn't make me doubt our chances but actually makes me even more determined to pursue him, to be with him, to make him happy, since his life is so lonely, full of threats, devoid of physical pleasures… It's not that I want to be a fuckingsaviorfor him, but I want to add some lightness to his life, some happy smiles, some moments of relaxation, something beyond endless work and repeated attacks… I want to be that person for him who makes his life more sparkly. It’s clear in my head, what I feel, what I want.
"I want you, only you. No matter what. Nothing you can say will discourage me."
He takes a deep breath. I know he still wants to try to scare me, warn me…
"I feel less, compared to…"
"I have no one to compare you to! You’d be the only one for me. Besides, I don’t see you as ‘less’. If anything, I see you… as more."
Blue slowly opens his eyes. His fingers tighten around mine.
"This is the one area of my life… where I feel fear, Gabriel. You were right then, when you suggested sex is stressing me. Well, maybe aside from attempts on my life, this is it. Intimacy."
"You don’t have to be afraid with me. I have no experience either, we’re in the same position, no basis for comparison, I have no advantage over you, I’ve never been with anyone."
I close my eyes too and pull his hand, still laced with mine, up to my cheek.
"I love your closeness, your touch, Blue. I’m sure you noticed it. When I’m close to you I feel so happy, like I’m in paradise. Your touch feels like bliss, and I dare to say, I saw you positively react to my touch as well, which gave me hope…"
His fingers move across my face in a gentle motion.
And I suddenly feel it, almost like it happens within my system.
The decision is coming.
"Okay," he lets out a breath, "a test trial. Nothing more, Gabriel… because I’m not gonna fool myself into thinking that this, ‘us’, is forever," he whispers, his voice almost unrecognizable. "But maybe for a short moment I could feel what others feel, a small taste of something I’ve already given up. I’m just afraid that if I like it too much, I won’t recover well from it afterward. So I need to be careful. Please don’t expectlove confessionsand stuff like that, for me it has to remain an experiment, and that’s all I can offer."
"I get it. And I’m greatful for the chance. But why do you assume it will end? I’m not going anywhere."
"Gabriel, you’re twenty-one…"
I let out a scoff.
"Stop! Stop, Blue. Stop talking like I don’t have my own mind and voice, like I’m a child who will change his position tomorrow. I once heard that relationships with a big age gap have this risk, that the older person won’t take the younger one seriously, that they’ll speak in a diminishing, patronizing tone. Please don’t do that, Blue. Don’t take away my right to be certain," I let it all out in a shaky but determined voice.
Blue stays silent for a moment. He's also breathing fast, his heart is galloping. This conversation feels important for both of us, it's obvious, and it costs us a lot.
"You’re right," he whispers. "I shouldn’t say that. I’ll try not to do it in the future."
Silence falls.
But along with it, some slight relaxation in the energy settles around us.
I look into his eyes. I need to hear it.
"So… you’re giving us a chance? Trial boyfriends?"
Blue takes a deep breath. His cheeks are flushed, his heart pounding.
"Yes. But there's one more thing. I just don’t know how to talk about it publicly. I wouldn’t want you to be my secret, but on the other hand, if you’re with me, you’ll become a target yourself."
