Page 36 of Desk & Deception
Reid’s hand stilled on my back, but he didn’t interrupt.
“I kept shrinking myself just to fit into the spaces you had left while you worried about everyone else’s needs.” I heaved a deep sigh. “You nailed the crux of the problem in your letter. I got into the habit of deciding whether something was worth bringing up before I said it, and I can’t do that anymore.”
His arms tightened as he held me and listened.
My throat was tight as I continued, “I want to be very clear that Kaylee wasn’t the problem. She was just a symptom. The real issue was that I stopped believing I mattered enough to come first sometimes.”
The words hurt to say out loud, but I needed to get them out. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I spoke, the vulnerability of admitting how small I had felt making my chest ache.
Reid waited to make sure I was done before he spoke. “I don’t blame you even a little for feeling that way. I’ve been working on that part of myself in therapy—learning how to make our relationship a priority, where it always belonged. If you give me another chance, I won’t make you compete for space in your own life again.”
I closed my eyes, letting his words sink in. They were what I had wanted to hear for so long, but they didn’t magically erasethe pain. The raw ache of all the times I had felt dismissed still weighed on me.
The slow, steady erosion had done a lot of damage before I took his ring off.
And even as I lay here in his arms, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to trust that it wouldn’t happen again. I knew I couldn’t rush this.
“I need time.” My voice was the barest whisper of sound. “I’m not ready to say everything is okay yet.”
Reid nodded against my hair and held me a little tighter, respecting my boundary. “Okay. Take all the time you need. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.”
His acceptance felt good. I appreciated that he didn’t attempt to negotiate, giving me the respect I deserved as his partner. Or former partner. The lines were blurred, and there wasn’t a term that really applied to whatever it was we were now.
Which was why sex with your ex was usually not a great idea. Except I was no longer certain he would remain my ex.
I didn’t know what the future held, but I didn’t feel like I was disappearing inside our relationship, whatever label we eventually put on it.
“Unfortunately, that means you should probably go.”
“Yeah.” Reid gave me one last kiss before sliding out of bed and getting dressed.
I slipped on a robe and walked him to the door, the quiet between us comfortable but full of things still left undecided.
As soon as the door closed behind him, I called Kinsley.
She answered right away. “How’s your weekend?”
I laughed despite myself. “A whole lot better after a couple of orgasms.”
“Lila Voss,” she whisper-shouted. “Have you been holding out on me?”
“No, this was wholly unplanned.”
I explained about the texts from my mom, about calling Reid, and about how his rushing over in case I needed him made me feel.
“So of course you thanked him with sex.”
Her dry retort made me giggle. “Not exactly, but one thing led to another.”
“As it often does.” I could all too easily picture her wagging her brows as she asked, “But gimme the important details. How was it?”
I pressed my hand against my chest. “As incredible as ever.”
“I hate you.” Kinsley let out a dramatic sigh. “But also, good for you. So…what now?”
“I’m not sure.” I bit my bottom lip before confessing, “I maybe kinda sorta kicked him out of my bed after I panicked a little.”
“Ouch,” she teased. “But seriously, you were well within your rights to take your orgasms and leave it at that.”
