Page 79 of That Vast Hunger
“Secora?” I ask after a few minutes of walking.
“Yeah?”
“What’s after this?”
She stumbles, and again, I steady her elbow. As much as I’d like to grab her hand, for the peace of mind if nothing else, I don’t. I need to know what she’s thinking, and if I’m touching her, there’s a good chance I’ll get distracted. I’ll end up fucking her again, and besides the fact we need to have this conversation, she also needs time before we have sex again.
My lips tick without permission. I’ve regressed into a teenage boy, horny and tunnel-visioned, sights set solely on her.
“We’ll do some trial and error,” she says shakily. “If this new ingredient is what you think, I should be able to incorporate it into the ritual. It’ll depend on?—”
“That’s not what I meant,” I say. Then, “You know what I’m asking, Secora.”
She drags her boots through the dirt, slowing her steps until she finally stops. We can’t see the black stone from where we are on the mountain, but she stares in its direction.
“I’ll take you to the ingredient either way,” I say quickly. “So you don’t have to agree to anything to get your end of the bargain. I’ll still show you. I’ll still help with the spells.”
“But only if I give you the last two memories, right?” she asks. Her cheeks have a pink tinge to them. I can’t decide if it’spurely from the cold or her exertion, or if there are nerves there too.
“They’re my memories, Secora,” I say. As fucking gently as I can, because I don’t want her to spiral. I don’t want her to shut down or turn away or ruin this before it’s even started. “They won’t change how I feel.”
“They will changeeverything,” she says. Her voice catches so abruptly even she seems surprised. She wipes at her eyes, attention flicking from me to the hike ahead. “They don’t matter, Elliot.”
“They matter to me,” I whisper.
Secora’s hands open and shut, fingers flexing, as if she’s fighting off surges of magic. She could hurl me all the way down this mountain. I don’t question her strength, but I no longer fear it. I step toward her, taking one of her shaking palms in mine.
“Breathe, Secora,” I say. Her brown eyes meet mine, wild with secrets only she knows. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. Your old offer can stand. If I want to give them back?—”
Secora rips out of my hold. She marches up the mountain, slightly angled to the north. If she keeps that direction, she’ll miss the black rock entirely. I should let her go. I should follow after her and let her exert all her energy until she’s too tired to fight this losing battle anymore. If she got tired enough to drop her walls, maybe she’d realize I’m nothing to fear, not even once I know every ugly and terrifying truth.
“Secora!” I call. I jog after her, eating the space between us with a matter of three paces.
She stops again, scowl twisting her doll-like features. Her chest heaves as she untangles her bag off her shoulder and throws it haphazardly at my feet.
“You want the memories?” she asks. She’s crying and shaking and looking at me like I’m trying to hurt her. “Fine. You can havethem. But–but you watch them, andthisis done. All right? It’s over.”
She takes off again, this time running. Without her bag, she’s faster. She darts between the trees and doesn’t so much as look back at me.
I curse. Throw my pack to the ground and replace her bag on my shoulder. I sprint after her, calling her name as she desperately puts more distance between us. When I finally catch her elbow, she spins around so fast she loses her footing. She’s still crying as she collapses into the dirt, breathing so hard I’m afraid she’s going to pass out.
“Breathe, honey,” I say. I tuck her hair behind her ears, and for the briefest of seconds, she lets me. She leans into my touch, allowing me to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Then, her eyes hone in on her bag on my shoulder. She glares at me, mouth twisting into a violent snarl.
“Don’t,” she says. “If you watch that, you’ll?—”
I lunge forward and cut her off with the press of my lips against hers. It’s a messy, clumsy kiss. More teeth than tongue, more frustration than passion. She falls back against the dirt, and I cage her in with my hands on either side of her face. I keep my weight off her and my lips far enough away to make it clear she can say no.
“If I watch that, I will still love you,” I say. Her eyes widen with my words, so I lower my head, touching my nose against her. “I will still love you. I will still want you. I will still belong to you.”
“Can’t you just trust me?” she asks. Her face is wet with tears, and I kiss them away, chasing the ones that have trailed down to her neck. “Please, Elliot. Just love me without them. Be with me without them. Why can’t you just let it be?”
I don’t answer at first. I lower onto my elbows, carefullysettling my body over hers, until we are touching everywhere through our clothes.
“Because, I have this feeling,” I say quietly. “The reason you don’t want me to see the memories isn’t to protect yourself, Secora. Is it? They’re to protect me, and you’ve done that long enough.”
“Elliot—”
“It’s my turn,” I say. I kiss the hollow of her throat, placing my thumb on the bruise above her collarbone. I didn’t mean to leave a mark when I kissed her earlier, but I don’t regret it. I’d like to do this every morning for the rest of our lives. Let everyone know she has someone who fucks her exactly the way she needs.
