Page 72 of People In Love
Andherbest man comes to Nora’s mind, being in front ofeveryonecomes to mind, parades through her head like the pink elephants she is not thinking about and she says, out loud, without meaning to: no.
Robin and Jed both look at her. Jed’s smile is salesman vague. Robin himself looks distracted, almost dazed – floating on a cloud, Nora thinks, when she has both feet hard on the ground.
You don’thaveto have a midnight ceremony, Jed says, waving his hand. Nor do you have to use the staircase, if you’d rather just enter through the door, there? Robin mentioned you’re having your own best man, Nora, he could even walk you down the –
No, Nora says again, as Robin keeps looking at her. I’m never going to walk down an aisle, she’d told Bren once as they sat in the oak tree, legs swinging, and he’d said me neitherand she thought she’d changed her mind but now Bren has said walk away with me and –
I don’t think this feels right, Nora says. There is a silence then, broken only by the soft sound of bubbles in Robin’s glass.
That’s … fine, Jed says, as Robin turns to face Nora fully from his chair. That’s what this planning day is for! To find your version of whatdoesfeel right.
Could you give us a moment, Jed, Robin asks, without looking at him, though his voice is calm. Jed’s smile falters, just slightly. He stands and bows again, says he’ll scout out more bubbly, even though Nora’s glass is still standing atop the bathroom sink, golden and expensive and undrunk.
Robin doesn’t speak, once they’re left alone. He’s holding himself strangely, like he’s in pain. Cradling his elbow.
Can we please go, Nora whispers. Afraid the staff will hear her. Afraid, too, that her voice might crack, if she says it any louder.
She doesn’t need to say anything more. Robin does not get angry, or make her feel bad, or ungrateful or dramatic. He dips his chin, says nothing for a few stretched seconds, then he says okay. That he’ll talk to Jed, and join her out front.
And she takes his hand and squeezes it, just like Shay had asked her to, but he doesn’t squeeze hers back. Instead he pulls away and walks through the circular room, Nora skirting the building so she doesn’t need to face Jed, or the staff, or Robin’s deep disappointment. She can hear all of it, though, from where she stands by the invisible front door. Snatches drifting through the gaps in the wood. The deposit, non-refundable, but he’s here until seven, they need to pay in full to secure the date they’d reserved, policy, and yes, he understands, thank you, we truly hope, yes, him too.
_
They walk back through the birch trees in silence. Nora could brush his shoulder with her own if she angled just half an inch to the left, could lean into him, thread her hand through his. She doesn’t dare.
The road is deserted. Their taxi, gone. There are no other cars, no cyclists, nobody else to distract them from what has just happened. And what has happened, Nora wonders, as they stand side by side, with no clear path or next steps.
Shall we talk here, Robin asks, or do you want to go back to the …
He gestures in the direction of their cabin with its seascape paintings and quilted double bed, their suitcases left unpacked.
Here’s good, she says, so they cross to the grassy bank and a large wooden gate – it’s stiff, Robin struggles, she says can I help – but he finally tugs it free. They startle a rabbit into the hedge, but are otherwise alone, and they walk for a while and then sit when they find a fallen tree stump. Close, but not touching. Unsure. Robin lets out one long breath as Nora holds in her own.
Are you … sure you want to do this, he asks.
Two heartbeats. A chirr, from a bird.
Actually, he says, before she can answer, that’s not fair of me.
Course it is, Nora says, her voice strained. Iwantto tell you what I want. But it’s like I don’t know. I don’t have the words, to …
Explain, she thinks, how her life has been shaken like a Magic 8 Ball. Different answers held in her hands.
But it’s not fair suggesting this is all on you, Robin says. You’re distracted, Nora, I see that, but I’ve been pretending I can pin it on other things. Freya, being so off, about the engagement. Bren showing up, and that phone call youfound out about, and all your hang-ups because of that affair you saw –
Nora puts her head in her hands, because he knows about that; knows her, too, better than anyone.
– and I’ve been pretending it’s one or all of those things, Nora, when really, there’s something on me here, too. Something I’ve not told you.
New feeling, then, inside of her.
A slow-motion spread, like time itself is decelerating. Robin rubs his face, then cups one side of his head as he stares out at the unploughed fields.
I knew you never wanted to get married, he says. You’d always made that clear. Although I’d have married you after our first date, if you’d’ve let me.
A smile then, which soon fades.
And here we are almost ten years later, he goes on, after we’ve formally given notice, and seen our wedding venue that seemed perfect, to me, and I just have this sense, Nora, that you feel … backed into a corner. Which is understandable. Because why would you be all in, all of a sudden, after years of being … well … not.
