Page 14 of Color Me Broken
“I hate you, you fuckin’ bastard,” she mumbled into the sheets.
He laid beside her, pulling her in close, both of them breathing as if they were running low on oxygen.
“Nah,” he whispered, kissing her shoulder, “you love me.”
“Yeah, I do,” Tasha replied.
They laid there for a while, and finally Tasha turned facing Juelz, gazing into his eyes. “Why is it so hard for us to get pregnant?”
They’d been trying for a while now. They both wanted to create something bigger than themselves. A life. A piece of them that laughed like her and looked like him. A heartbeat made from their love. Their chemistry wasn’t just about the sex. It wasn’t just heat, hips, and heavy breathing.
It was the prayers she whispered in silence, waiting for two lines to appear on the stick. It was her throwing out another test in the trash, covering it up with tissue as if she was burying a dream. It was Juelz pretending not to see the disappointment in her eyes, pretending not to be disappointed, too. They both wanted it more than anything. But the baby hadn’t come. Not yet. Each month felt like another silent loss. One they didn’t tell anybody about, ‘cause how you mourn something that never existed?
Still…they kept trying.
Kept hoping.
Juelz blinked, caught off guard. “I dunno. It will happen. Just gotta be patient.”
She pushed her loose curl out of her face and rested on his chest.
“I just…” she started, voice low, like the words were scared to come out. “I feel like my body don’t want what I want. Like I’m broken or somethin’. Every time I let myself believe just a lil’ bit, somethin’ come and snatch that hope back.”
She wiped at her teary eyes, tracing the tattoos on his chest, her voice dropping to a whisper. “I really wanna give you a lil’Jue.”
He kissed her forehead and rested his head on hers. “Shit, until it happens, I’ll continue shootin’ that muthafucka up. Yah feel meh?”
She giggled and turned over, “Goodnight, Jue!”
“Mmmhmm,” he yawned, spooning behind her and letting his hand find that same thigh he always gripped when they slept. “Don’t be tryna throw that ass back while I’m sleep either. Ion got no nut left in me tonight. My shit overly soft, my baby.”
She smacked at his hand and chuckled. “Boy, shut up.”
The next morning,Juelz had left home early so that he could meet up with Trig over on the east side. The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, casting a soft, golden light across the city.
As he pulled up to the corner store, Trig was walking out, eating a bag of chips, and talking shit with the corner boys who were posted at the icebox. Juelz got out and approached him, his grip firm and confident.
“Juelz,” Trig acknowledged, his voice low and steady. “Let’s step over here in the car real quick. Handle this li’l business.”
“A’ight, so whatchu peep out?”
Trig shook his head, looking out the window. “Shit, that joint was clean. Wasn’t shit going on over that way. I sat on it day andnight. Not one undercover in sight, so I think you good to put a lil nigga over that way.”
Juelz nodded, taking in everything Trig was saying. “That’s a bet. Good lookin’ out. I’ma holla at ya, nigga.”
Juelz hopped back in the charger, checking the rearview before hitting the road. He had other places he had to visit. Thirty minutes later, he was parked in the driveway of Tasha’s sister's house. He’d been sitting there for five minutes, just watching the door, while he finished his blunt. The front door flew open, and Ant came running to the car. He was only ten years old, but he looked up to Juelz as if he were his own father. Juelz put out his blunt and unlocked the door.
“Whaddup, li’l Ant? I see you ready to break my pockets today, ain’t cha?”
Ant’s eyes were wide with anticipation. “Yea, Unc, I’m ready. I've been waiting for you all day.”
Juelz smiled at him, rubbing a hand through Ant's waves. “I bet you have. And why you got them busted ass shoes on, man. Lookin’ like you been walkin’ on your toes.”
Ant looked down at his sneakers, his face scrunching up. “These my favorite one’s, Unc.”
“They was your favorite,” Juelz corrected as he backed the car out of the driveway. “You puttin’ them bad boys in the trash today.”
Ant shook his head. He knew his uncle wasn’t going to have it any other way. By the time they made it to the mall, Ant was showing all thirty-two teeth in his mouth. They walked into the first sneaker spot, and the place was a sensory overload. Walls covered in every color imaginable, screens playing highlights, and the smell of new rubber and leather hanging thick in the air. Ant’s jaw was on the floor.
