Page 32 of Color Me Broken
The smell of the doctor’s office hit Tasha’s nose hard. Bleach. Sanitizer. Rubber gloves. That sterile kind of clean that never made anybody feel better. It just burned your nose. The walls were too white. The lights were too bright. Everything too quiet. Tasha sat on the edge of the exam table, feet dangling. She hated being there. Tiffany, her older sister, sat beside her, her knees bouncing, purse clutched tight in her lap. She hadn’t stopped moving since they walked in. Anxiety had Tiffany wired. Tasha had asked Niyah and Shyann to go with her, but Niyah had appointments with her children, and Shyann had been missing in action lately.Again.
“You okay?” Tiffany asked softly, rubbing Tasha’s hand.
Tasha nodded, even though her stomach felt like it was sinking through the floor. “Yeah…I’m cool, Tiff.” That was a lie. She was a nervous wreck. She was afraid of the news that the doctor was about to tell her. Dr. Madison walked in with a thin folder and a face that didn’t know how to pretend. He didn’t smile this time. Didn’t even ease into it.
That’s when Tasha knew what was up.
He pulled up a chair, sitting at eye level with her. He took a breath and folded his bottom lip in while he adjusted his glasses on his nose.
“Tasha,” he said, calm but careful. “Thank you for coming back in so quickly.”
Her fingers curled into the paper beneath her thighs. Tiffany went still, her heart beating more than normal.
“We went over the imaging and labs from your Pap,” he continued. “They both confirmed what we were concerned about.”
Tasha blinked once. Twice. “Okay…” She already knew where this was heading; she just needed to hear the actual words.
Dr. Madison folded his hands, letting his gaze wander to Tasha. “There’s no easy way to say this… but you have ovarian cancer.”
The words didn’t land right away. They floated. Hung in the air like smoke.
Ovarian. Cancer.Tasha had a feeling that something was going on. But to hear the diagnosis from Dr. Madison shook her to her core.
Tiffany’s breath hitched. “No… wait. What? Are you sure, Doc? That can’t be right. Right, T? Run the test again, to… to… to be sure. Tash!”
Tasha stared straight ahead, eyes fixed on the wall. It was as if time had stopped. She came out of her daze. “Run that back again.”
Dr. Madison did. Slower this time. Like she hadn’t heard him the first time, instead of not wanting to.
He kept throwing words out to her, and she was doing everything but dodging them.Stage II. Treatable. Aggressive but not hopeless. Surgery. Chemo. Options.
All she could think about was all the times they’d been trying. The disappointments. Silent prayers in the closet. Sticky notes of written prayers on the wall of the closet. The negative pregnancy tests lined up on the bathroom sink.
One line.Always one fucking line.
Her voice finally came out, thin. “So… the baby thing.”
Doctor Madison hesitated.
Tiffany leaned forward. “Yeah… Doc. Her and her fiancé have been trying, but no luck.”
Dr. Madison nodded. “That’s why fertility has been so complicated. Treatment will come first. We can discuss preservation options, but right now the priority is your health, Ms. Hayes.”
Health.
Tasha laughed once. A short, broken sound. “My body been betraying me this whole fuckin’ time.” She punched herself on the thigh. “This. Whole. Fuckin’. Time.”
Tiffany grabbed her hand. “Stop! Don’t say that, Tasha.”
“But it has,” Tasha whispered, as tears filled her eyes. “I knew somethin’ was wrong. I knew it. I just didn’t wanna face the shit.”
Her chest burned, but the tears didn’t fall. She refused to cry in this room. Refused to give these walls that satisfaction. They had broken her enough.
Tiffany leaned forward closer to her, gripping her hands tighter. “Sis, if it comes down to it? I’ll just carry the baby for y’all. It’s okay. Don’t cry.”
Dr. Madison slid a box of tissues closer. “I’m sorry. I know this is a lot. And not the news you were hoping for. Take some time off work, go on leave so we can get ahead of this.”
Tasha finally looked at them, frantic. “Oh, my Gawd! I. I—I can’t tell Juelz.”
