Page 70 of Then There Was You
Crossing my arms over my chest, I ask, “And what’s that?”
“You can say whatever you want, phrase it however you best see fit, but that doesn’t make it an eternal truth. That’s just your side of it.” I lose our connection when she pulls her gaze away from me.
“Sosie, I?—”
“It’s a medical situation,” she says, taking a sobering breath. “Not a trap I’m falling into.”
I’m not near the door, but give her a bigger berth by moving closer to the window. “I’m not stopping you from going. I know it’s something you need to do.”
She walks out without another word, not even giving me the courtesy of a backward glance before I lose her presence entirely. I stand there, staring, as she disappears down the stairwell, the rush of her footsteps slowly fading as the distance grows between us. And silence. What feels like minutes passing, I’m still staring through the open door like she’s going to magically reappear when I know she won’t.
I fucked up.
My gut twists at the realization that the hollow in my chest means I might lose her anyway. I should run after her and catch her before she slips into a cab. Even go with her to the hospital. But I don’t move, giving her time to get away, not because of what I said, though I’m already drowning in regret. I don’t go because she needs to do this on her own. She needs to be the one not only to fight for us but, more importantly, for herself. We can’t be together with this hanging around in the background, looking to attack us when we let our guard down. In the long term, we’ll never be free until she finds that peace that anykid would want with their parents and living on her own terms again.
Although too brief, a weight had lifted since we left that pub together. I could see it in how she started moving through life with less tension in her shoulders, even daring to dream and talk about the future like she used to do. I finally got my muse. I don’t want to lose her again.
“Fuck,” I sigh, unsure what I’m supposed to do next. The urge to fix this is stronger than the logic of her doing what needs to be done to fix herself. Doesn’t make it easier. I swear it makes it worse, even if it is the right thing to do.
Walking out of her apartment, I latch the lock on the inside and shut the door to secure it because this is the place where my soul will exist. It just won’t exist as a part of me any longer. I’m really starting to wonder if we’re cursed.
My phone vibrates in my pocket when I land back out in front of the building. A spot of good news would have been welcome at any other point in the day before my girlfriend ran back to a life that excludes me. But sure, I’ll go identify the culprits who attacked me.The fuckers.
I head to the police precinct, where it takes less than twenty minutes to point them out and sign the prepared statement. I collect my stolen wallet, which is missing all the money and the credit cards, but they were kind enough to leave my old NYU ID and my New York City library card.
I take the two cards out and toss the wallet into the trash on my way out.
The detour was a temporary distraction from the situation with Sosie and the fears I have if she’s not given a choice to return. I catch a cab and head home, hoping to see her belongings still around the apartment—her makeup bag open with products spilling across the counter and her seven hair products littering the ledge of the shower. But it’s Winifred theWallaby I hope to see still napping in the middle of the bed. As long as she’s there, I know Sosie will return. If not for me, for her.
Rushing inside, I go straight to the bedroom to find her stuffed animal taking up space like she still lives here. If I can’t have her, I’ll take the wallaby.Who knew a stuffed wallaby would provide me with the relief I needed most right now?Second to Sosie, of course.
I make a cup of coffee, predicting a long night ahead, and pull out my laptop to work in the living room. I’ll do anything to keep my mind from running wild with the fuckery she’s facing on her own. Should I have gone?
She’d hate that. Not because of me, but it would make her feel bad. She’s stronger than she knows. I know that. I just hope she remembers.
When I look up, the sun has set, and darkness rolls in like a fog around me. My eyes don’t adjust quick enough after staring at the glowing screen for the past few hours. I caught up on some emails, but when I blink and rub my eyes, the burn only reminds me of other aching body parts.
I tap the phone next to me only to find it blank of texts or calls. Catching the time, I’m heading into three hours since I came home to an apartment without her or word of her return. Is she alright? Fuck.
I close the laptop and walk to the window to stare in the direction of the nearest hospital. I know her father won’t be taken there, but it does have me thinking. I overreacted. Like she said, it was an emergency, not some ploy to steal her back. Right? Her absence is felt along with concerns still raising my hackles.
I walk down the hall, needing to keep my body moving, then turn around and walk in the other direction to repeat thepattern. It’s not until I see the little tree on the nightstand that it finally makes sense to me.
It’s not them or me. I know she’ll choose me. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need to find peace with her parents and put that part of her life to bed. I could have just supported her instead of opening my mouth and letting my fear drain out. Feeling shittier now than before won’t fix this. I have to do the work, too.
But how?
I eye the stuffed animal as an idea takes form. Going into the closet, I grab her carry-on from the shelf and prop it open on the bed. I dig through the clothes hanging in the closet and grab a top and a pair of jeans. I have no idea what underwear she would choose for this kind of outfit, but I’m not going to overthink this. Let’s hope none of these clothes are needed, and she comes back to me. But if she does get stuck, I want her to have some clean clothes and tell her what I should have said the first time before she left.
After writing a note and sticking it inside, along with a few of her bathroom toiletries, I close it, but something across the room catches my eye, and I get it. I turn it over in my hands because it meant everything to me at one time. She means more. I tuck it inside the suitcase and latch it tight.
Downstairs, I catch a cab, and since there’s only one hospital where the Stansburys would go, that’s where I head. With my phone resting on my leg so I don’t miss a text from her, I stare out the window thinking about how an emergency has triggered all this. It only took Sosie seconds to feel the need to visit, her heart way more open than mine. If they hurt it, I’ll take matters into my own hands.
No lessons need to be learned. She knows who they are and how they operate. So why go? The one piece I didn’t put together before. Closure.
And here I was, warning her because of my own insecurities about losing her again. I’m not losing her, though. I know that. What we share is too strong to be deterred by threats anymore. We’ll fight against anything thrown our way.Together.Sosie knows that.
I just wish I had realized it earlier. She didn’t go for her father. She went for herself. I drop my head forward as the shame of my wrong assumptions might have fucked things up. It did for her, and I let her walk out feeling that way. Who’s the asshole now? I am.
