Page 2 of Romantic Hero
The image in my head that’s usually so intense when Iwrite has faded to a static greyscale. My beloved Cassidy is utterly silent, completely still. The movie in my mind is stuck on pause, and as a result the words simply will not come.
I slump over to the counter to make a cup of tea, catching sight of my reflection in the shiny chrome kettle. My now permanently tear-damp face is morose and splotchy, long dark blonde hair an unbrushed shredded-wheat tangle, eyebrows verging oneyebrowsingular.
I blow the air out of my cheeks. God, I’m like a wet weekend these days, shuffling about the flat, a trail of tear-soaked tissues marking my path. And then, of course, there’s the rush of shame that inevitably follows the shuffling and the crying; a cooler, bolder, more independent woman would use this heartbreak as a catalyst for better things, an opportunity for growth, a fresh start. I want to bethatwoman. I wish I were that woman. God knows, I’ve tried to be that woman, but I can’t seem to manage it because of, well, my entire personality.
I take a deep breath and try to muster up a little fight in my belly. Some sense of hope or oomph, anything but this pitiful, maudlin inertia I’ve been wading around in for an entire month.
‘Get a grip, Gert,’ I scold my distorted reflection in the kettle. ‘Be stronger! What would a plucky heroine do in this situation? What would Florence Pugh do?’
In response, a fresh round of tears squeeze their way out of my eyes, this time accompanied by a disgusting little bubble of snot at my nostril.
Yep. The leading lady I most definitely am not.
CHAPTER TWO
Being unexpectedly single is tricky to navigate when being one of a pair is all I’ve ever known. Spending my entire life as my big sister Josie’s devoted sidekick taught me that navigating life as part of two was better in every possible way. Josie’s bravery made up for my reticence. My steadiness (mostly) kept her out of trouble. My natural inclination for the background was supported by Josie’s desire for the spotlight. She loved to cook, I loved to eat, I was the See, she was the Saw, it just made sense. Life with Josie meant joy felt twice as joyful and pain, half as painful, and to me that just seemed like good maths. Two is clearly better than one. So when Josie died and I met handsome, confident Henry ten days later, it seemed natural and comforting and perfectly distracting to slip into being his devoted sidekick instead of hers. But now he’s gone too. And for a human being whose soul is made complete by being one half of a whole, the sudden absence of a corresponding half means I have ceased to function effectively. I am fifty per cent less than I was. I have become, well, a little bit insane.
For example, here are threelittle bit insanethings I have been doing since Henry moved out last month:
Wearing my prescription sunglasses indoors all day because summer is the most romantic of all the seasons and this unrelenting August sunshine feels obnoxious, taunting, unbearable given the circumstances. Every time I put the sunglasses on I sing ‘Hello darkness, my old friend’, which makes me feel slightly better for a couple of seconds.
Drinking no less than four very strong home-made cocktails every night (making my way through the Stanley Tucci lockdown recipes canon), ordering some sort of meat-heavy takeaway, putting on my headphones and listening to ‘End of the Road’ by Boyz II Men. Then I languish around the apartment, intermittently huffing with sadness and eating my meat.
Keeping it a secret from my literary agent Bridget that I’m having serious trouble writing a single word of the final Bedlam Creek book. Which is non-negotiably due in sixteen days. And which I have already been paid for.
It doesn’t help matters that my flat is also my place of work and every single corner of it reminds me of lovely Henry. That wonky kitchen table where he would sit each morning, scribbling into a leather-bound notepad, plotting out the novel that would go on to be a Booker Prize long-listee. There’s the bed on which he hand-plucked and scattered hundreds of fresh pink rose petals for a Valentine’s Day surprise. That olive-green velvet armchair is where hewould pull me onto his lap, bury his face in my neck and tell me that I was his favourite smell in the world, even better than freshly burnt matches (his previous all-time top-ranking smell). There on the fridge is our invitation to his best friend Jim’s fortieth-birthday weekend, which I was especially looking forward to because I love the romance of a swanky hotel.
And there, by that bay window, is where he cried and told me that I was no longer enough. That I didn’t challenge him. That our constant cocooning had made his brain feel lethargic. That I had started to revolve around him so completely, it sometimes felt like an obligation to love me simply because of how much I loved him. Then there was the whole horrible declaration about needing to split up for a little while. Ugh.
Right here, by the big framedMoonstruckposter on the wall is where I begged him to stay. Where I stood and watched, horrified, as he rolled the suitcase he had pre-packed out of the door.
Of course, I’ve tried leaving the flat to go and write in a local café or the London Library or a park bench or once to Winchester Cathedral because that’s where Jane Austen is buried and I thought it might give me some inspiration. But none of it worked. I got no words written and I ended up spending money I didn’t have on drinks, Tube fares and Jane Austen merch from the Winchester Cathedral gift shop.
I would have tried taking my laptop to different parts of the house, but I live in a studio apartment, which means that from every spot in the flat, I can see the rest of the flat. So Iremain surrounded by memories. Reminders of lost love that lead me menacingly towards the Boyz II Men/languishing/meat cycle I know deep down is harming me in ways I cannot yet fathom.
My phone screen lights up as my literary agent Bridget calls for her weekly check in. I should answer. Ineedto answer.
I press end on the call.
A few moments later an email pops up.
Just ever so gently checking in! No pressure, but also … are you okay, Gertie? You’ve gone quiet and I was expecting more pages from you. By the way, I asked Rockford Press about re-contracting us for a new series, but Eleanor wants to see how the final Bedlam Creek book does first. Especially as sales of the last one dipped more than we would have hoped. So this one really needs to knock it out of the park! No pressure, though!
I stare at the floor for a good minute before typing out a reply.
Hey Bridget! I’m at the London Library scribbling away so can’t speak on fear of Death by Librarian, but all good! Will be in touch v soon. xx
Then I wander over to the kitchen, take a mug off the shelf, and open the dresser cupboard where I keep the booze.
Gimme what you got, Tucci.
CHAPTER THREE
The next morning I’m awoken from slumber by the sound of my next-door neighbour Mrs Casablancas hammering on my door. I know it’s her because no one else in this day and age knocks on people’s doors completely unannounced, and also because Mrs Casablancas is calling through the keyhole, ‘Gertie, honey! It’s me, Mrs Casablancas! Open up your door to me!’ Her bellowing is accompanied by a single determined bark from Squish, the rambunctious chihuahua–pug cross that Mrs Casablancas secretly regrets adopting a few weeks ago.
With a groan, I roll out of my bed, the extra cocktail I had last night making its presence known in the throb of my head.
‘Just a second, Mrs Casablancas!’ I croak.
