Page 81 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
What will I do? My eyes flick towards the door. I can hardly leg it, can I? Especially not when it’s taken everything I have to get this far without letting on how unwell I feel. If I run away now it will all have been for nothing. The whole thing. Shit.
Leo stands up and gestures to the audience in much the same way he did atThe Beekeeperlaunch when everyone slow clapped his disapproval of me.
‘Let’s give Lucille a round of applause!’ he calls out in his smooth, deep baritone.
‘I don’t … ’
‘Just close your eyes, Lucille,’ he says earnestly. ‘Let it flow, you’ll be super.’
Balls.
The audience clap and click their fingers heartily.
No one could ever describe me as shy, but my knees have gone proper wibbly. Leo seems really into the idea of me going up there. And Grandma said I must be as enthusiastic as possible.
Stop being a sucker, Jess. Just get it done.
I slowly get up from the table and straighten my pencil skirt, trying my best to ignore the acid swishing around in my stomach. Then I totter over to the stage and hold out my hand so that the MC can help me up.
I take the mic, squinting as the spotlight dazzles my eyes.
OK. It’s only a poem. A tiny little poem. I just need to say some random words together and pretend that they make sense to me. Then I can go home to bed where I belong. Right. Random words …
I take a deep breath and try to focus.
‘Um … Hacky sack,’ I whisper into the mic.
Shit. No. That’s what Freddie Prinze Junior says inShe’s All That. I can’t havemypoem be about a hacky sack too. The audience think I’m making a hilarious ironic joke and roar with laughter.
‘Ha-ha,’ I agree.
OK. Poem time.
‘Rain-soaked sky,’ I croak out, my throat suddenly dry and flinty. Leo smiled and nods to encourage me, his auburn hair glowing out from the crowd.
‘Oh why … Oh why. Why did you have to… let her fly?’
What am I even saying? I blink at the audience. They don’t look impressed at all. I don’t blame them. Thissucks.
I try to close my eyes like Leo suggested.
Er …‘Empty spaces,’ I go on. ‘Silent places, blurred faces.Stop the weeping. Leave her sleeping.’
I cough.
‘It’s … a, um, puzzle, I’ll never know. I can’t reach, I try to grow. Now… she’s left me here alone… My Rose.’
Rose. Mum. My eyes quickly flicker open. I swallow hard. Where thebloody helldid that come from?
The audience, sensing that I’m finished, start to clap half-heartedly.
I feel sick.
It’s hot in here.
I drank so much last night.
That kebab was uber greasy.
