Page 67 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
‘Your voice! What on earth has happened to your voice?’ Grandma’s chin trembles.
‘Er … it’s a soothing voice. Like you said? Throaty and that.’
‘It’s much too deep! A soothing voice should be light and enticing!’
‘What doI sound like?’
Peach grimaces, not quite meeting my eye. ‘You sound sorta demonic. Like you might be planning to murder him.’
Grandma pats my knee. ‘Soften it a little, dear. Speak to him as if you’re keeping ascrumptioussecret.’
I nod, clear my throat and try again, making my voice softer, higher and more melodic. I sound like a twat.
‘Sorry about that, Leo,’ I breathe, clicking the phone onto loudspeaker. Grandma gives me a thumbs-up. ‘What can I do for you?’
‘Yeah, I thought we could get together. I have a dinner meeting this evening but I’m free as a bird afterwards. Coffee at my pad sound good? About eleven?’
Oh. My. God. I am well versed in the art of the bootie call and this is an outright boot-aycall. I didn’t put out any of my usual super casual vibes last night, I’m sure of it. Must have been the boobs sending out a very specific kind of message. I don’t know why I’m surprised − according to Valentina this is Leo Frost’s M.O., after all.
‘Just a moment, let me check my schedule.’ I press secrecy on the phone again.
‘He’s bootie-calling me,’ I hiss to Grandma and Peach
‘Bootie calling?’ Grandma squints. ‘I’m afraid I don’t understand.’
Hmmm. How do you explain a bootie call to a seventy-seven-year-old woman who still watches her movies on VHS tapes?
‘Er … he’s not quite offering to take me on a date. I reckon he wants me to go to his place for …you know… ’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Um, well, let’s just say that he wants to do to me what Oliver the gamekeeper does to Lady Chatterley.’
Grandma’s mouth drops open. She snatches the phone from my grasp and presses her bony finger onto the ‘end call’ icon.
‘What did you just do!’ I yell, grabbing my phone off her. ‘You hung up on him!’
‘He’s a cad, dear,’ Grandma declares, calmly pushing her big red glasses up her nose. ‘A very handsome, very wealthy and charming cad. Women don’t hang up on him – the very fact that you just did will intrigue him, trust me. When he calls back, tell him that you would love to meet him for an early dinner tomorrow evening – he won’t correct you about his original dishonourable intentions, his manners are far too polished for that.’
‘He won’t blummin’ call back!’ I roll my eyes. ‘This isn’t the olden days, G. It isn’t cute or intriguing or flirty when you hang up. It just pisses people off.’
The phone rings again.
It’s him.
I blink at my mobile and eye Grandma with astonishment. She casually examines her perfectly painted fingernails as if this is no big deal.
‘Woah.’ Peach gawps at the phone.
I pick it up.
‘Hello?’
‘Ah, Lucille, we must have got cut off,’ Leo says in his deep plummy tones.
‘Oh dear, I’m so sorry about that. I got distracted andcompletelyforgot you were on the telephone!’ I giggle warmly. Grandma beams.
‘Oh,’ he coughs lightly. ‘Right.’
