Page 65 of Jessica Beam is a Hot Mess
Chapter Eighteen
Telephone calls are not the place for long conversations – you wouldn’t want to bore a good chap by going on and on! Keep chatter light, brief and to the point. Make sure your tone of voice is soft, alluring and interested.
Matilda Beam’s Good Woman Guide, 1959
As the final rays of blush-pink sun dip down over London, I make my way back to Kensington, a buzz of achievement quickening my step. I may have super messed up with the glove (which I later found in the bin, splodged with hot-dog juice and ketchup), and I definitely disliked every minute of having to speak to that sexist div Leo Frost again, but I did what I was asked to do: I made sure he absolutely didn’t recognize me and I got him to take my number. Plus I didn’t even have to read the whole chapter of Grandma’s book! Go me!
As I arrive at Bonham Square, I notice Jamie lumbering out of the front door of the building, talking animatedly on his mobile phone. His doctor’s coat is slung over his arm and he’s wearing a faded khaki T-shirt that says ‘Abernathy Canal Centre’ on it above a picture of a barge.
When I reach him, he does a slapstick double-take at my outfit, signalling that he’ll be finished in just a moment.
‘All right then, snotface.’ He smiles into the phone. ‘Love you all the world. See you soon.’
‘Snotface?’ I raise an eyebrow once he’s hung up.
‘My nephew, Charlie. He’s seven.’ His dark eyes sparkle. ‘Look.’ He hands me his phone on which there’s a picture of a skinny young kid in a Leeds United football kit. ‘He’s coming to visit me this weekend. Brilliant little bugger, isn’t he?’
‘Adorable,’ I nod vaguely, even though, to me, Charlie looks pretty much like every other seven-year-old-boy on the planet.
‘He’s bloody obsessed with science,’ Jamie chuckles proudly. ‘I bought him one of those kids’ chemistry sets for his birthday last year and it’s his favourite thing. Well, after the Wii. And farts.’
‘Oh. Cool.’
Jamie’s smile drops a bit. It’s not that I don’t want to hear all about his kid nephew. Well, actually, I don’t, really. But it’s just … what’s the point? Family talk is for people in relationships, a way to bond by revealing intimate life details and shared experiences. And that’s not what’s happening here.
‘Nice outfit.’ Jamie gives me a pointed look.
I do a daft twirl. ‘It’s for Grandma’s project. Stoopid, I know. I’m wearing a chuffingcorset.’
‘A corset, eh? Well, yes, that is ridiculous. Also … kind of bloody sexy.’ He takes a step closer so that we’re only centimetres apart.
‘It’s actually mega painful,’ I huff. ‘Anyway, Doctor, we shouldn’t be fraternizing. My Grandma hasforbiddenme from seeing you again . . . ’ He frowns slightly. I grin. ‘But … I reckon what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.’
‘Aha.’ He steps closer, wrapping an arm round my restricted waist. ‘Are you suggesting we run around in secret? Conduct an, um, elicit affair?’
‘Something like that . . . ’ I wiggle my eyebrows. ‘Could be hot . . . ’
‘Would you like to start right now?’ He trails his warm hand up my back, sending a shiver right to the pit of my stomach. ‘The clinic’s empty. We could get you out of that corset, if you like?’
‘Oh God, yes please.’ I rub my stomach in anticipation of the beautiful moment when I will be able to fully breathe out once more.
‘Come on, then,’ Jamie whispers, holding out his hand and glancing up and down the street with an over-the-top worried expression. ‘Before someone spots us out here.’
He’s such a plonker. I laugh and take his hand, dragging him inside to the clinic.
* * *
Carrying my plethora of vintage underwear in my arms (including the tights Jamie ended up ripping in his eagerness to get them off me), I sneak back up to Grandma’s house at midnight, being careful to let myself in stealthily so as not to wake anyone. The house smells really strongly of popcorn. That’s odd. I’m far too knackered to remove my make-up and so simply flop onto to the bed fully clothed, where I pass out in a matter of seconds.
It feels like my eyes have only been closed for a few minutes when I’m awoken by a firm knock on the bedroom door.
It’s morning already?
Noooo.
Grandma’s voice is bright and breezy from the landing.
‘Jessica, dear, rise and shine! We are most eager to hear all about last night! Breakfast is ready. Peach and I will be waiting downstairs. Do hurry!’
