Page 39 of Big Sexy Love
I peek out of the window blind. The man in the flat opposite is sitting bottomless on his sofa again,watching SundayNightLive!
Seth. That absolutebellend.
I grab my phone and log onto the internet. I Google ‘Seth writer Sunday Night Liveidiot’.
I don’t know what I’m expecting to find. His home address, so I can go over there and kick him right in thegoolies?
Nope. No home address. There is an article, though, published a few days ago on a comedy website called Splitsider. The title of the article says ‘Seth Hartman.Sunday Night Live’sRisingStar’.
I furiously click on the article and growl in rage as the screen fills up with a picture of the man from the plane. Ugh. His smug eyes are trying to look like the eyes of a normal, innocent kind person who once helped an anxious woman to navigate a long haulflight.
Thoseeyeslie!
I scroll down and starttoread.
Seth Hartman has beena staple at the writer’s desk of Sunday Night Live for the last five years. The thirty-five-year-old Harvard graduate came up through Second City Chicago as part of the popular comedy improv troupe ‘Everybody Loves Dumplings’ and while originally auditioning for spot as a performer on the show, he has become a solid part of the writing team. As well as his writing duties, he still regularly performs and teaches improv in New York and was recently the keynote speaker at the UK’s Comedy Sketch Festival held every year inManchester.
With a huge eye roll,I click off the article and load up Twitter, desperately hoping that, by some fluke, everyone else’s TVs crashed at the same time and no one but me saw that horriblesketch.
But no. The world is loving what has now been termed the ‘Watch Me Piddle’sketch.
I furiously scroll the #watchmepiddlehashtag.
The funniest thingSunday Night Live has done inyears!!
Kelly Cannon shinesas Olivia the kinky British girl on a tempestuous flight. lololol #watchmepiddle
Seth Hartman isthe new Steve Martin. Put him on the screen already @SundayNightLive.
Omg.That piddle sketch was bizarre. In a good way. FunnyAF.WTF??
Iscrollthrough the endless tweets for far too long. My hands shaking, my face burning withshame.
I need to talk to someone. I go to FaceTime Birdie, but realise that it’s about 5 a.m. in England and the hospital makes everyone turn their phones off between 11 p.m. and7a.m.
Instead, I FaceTime my brother. He’s usually up prettyearly.
It rings for a while before Alex answers, his shell-shocked face popping up onto thescreen.
Okay, maybe this is a bittooearly.
‘Olive? What is it? Are you alright? Areyousafe?’
‘Sorry,’ I say. ‘I know it’s early. I… I just needed to talk tosomeone…’
‘It’s okay,’ Alex says gently, wipinghiseyes.
Beside him Donna’s head pops up from the pillow. ‘It’s 5 a.m., Alex! Whoisit?’
‘It’s Olive,’ he replies. ‘You go back tosleep,love.’
Donna moves her face right up to the screen. Her usually perfect hair is all mussed up, her eyespuffy.
‘Oh, Olive,’ she says. ‘What have you done? Are you in trouble? Do you need money? You need money, don’t you? Has she messed it up already? Ohdarling.’
‘Harsh, Donna!’ Igrumble.
‘What’s wrong?’ Alex says, his eyebrows lowering worriedly. ‘You look like you’ve beencrying.’
