Page 34 of Big Sexy Love
I blink. Why is this happening to me? Why won’t this woman understand that I was just hitching up my tights? Has she never encountered a saggycrotch?
‘I was hitching my blimmin’ tights!’ I protest again. ‘Iswear!’
‘I don’t care what you Brits call it! It’s disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself! Maybe you can get away with this depravity across the pond. But not here.Ohno.’
The woman pulls out her phone again and takes a pictureofme.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask, shielding my face withmyarms.
‘Taking a photograph for evidence. I will name andshameyou!’
I feel myself starting to panic, sweat pooling under my arms and on my forehead. Why doesn’t she believe me? Okay, it might look a little weird, a girl with a unicorn horn examining her own crotch hole by a tree. But that doesn’t mean I’m a pervert. I mean, I’m so inexperienced in sex! I’m basically the opposite of a pervert. I have had sex one time. Ten years ago. In the missionary position. And it lasted for three minutes. And I didn’t get off in any one of those minutes! I’m the least perverted person on earth,prettymuch!
‘How dare you say I’m a pervert,’ I say, fury burning in my belly now. ‘I don’t even have sexual feelings.’ Except for that library scene, I add to myself silently. ‘You are completely wrong on this. Just let meleave!’
‘NO!’ she shouts. ‘The only way you are getting out of here is with a New York City Policeescort.’
Ugh! This woman is horrible! And judgey! I bet she just got out of bed this morning, hoping for some drama to tell all her snooty friends about. She thinks she’s so important with her park key. ‘They will be here any second now,’ she says, taking another picture of me before I can cover my faceagain.
Holy shit. I can’t get arrested! In America. I’ve only been here for one day. What if they deport me? Then I’ll never find Chuck and Birdie will be devastated! What if they send me to prison? I would never survive in prison. I have no tattoos. And I am weak. I am physically very weak; how would I stand up for myself? Oh God. What would Colin think if I went to prison? Would he still be interested in me? Would he be willing to be a prison husband? Would I have to do a conjugal visit with him? I mean, I don’t think I’m ready for conjugalities in general, let alone inprison!
As these scenarios flash through my head, I get more and more freaked out. It can’t happen. This is not happening. This day cannot get any worse than it alreadyhasbeen!
I soften my voice, try to sound reasonable, polite, non-deviant. ‘Look, I didn’t know it was a key-only park! I’m sorry. Please let me out. I begofyou.’
‘Everyone knows that Gramercy Park belongs only to itsresidents.’
Man, this woman is theworst.
‘Well it seems unfair that only some people get to enjoy it!’ I retort before I can stop myself. I don’t think I’ve ever acted so cocky before. But then, I’ve never been accused of public indecency before and if anything will bring out a person’s grumpy side then that surelyisit.
The woman sneers at me. ‘Don’t talk to me. Don’t even look at me with yourkinkyeyes.’
She’s so mean. I feel tears rush to mykinkyeyes.
I have to get out of here. I have to get out of here now. I can’t just wait around for the police to come. Donna would have a field day if that happened. No. I won’tdoit.
I notice that the horrid woman has a little string around her neck. And on the end of it is a golden key, glinting in the spring sunlight. That must be the key. The key to the park. The key that makes her think she is so much better thaneveryoneelse.
And I must be a damn fool because before I can think too much about it, I’ve reached forward, snatched the key from around the woman’s neck and I am legging it. I am legging it like themotherfuckingwind.
From behind me I hear the woman scream after me. ‘Thief! Pervert! Thief! Pervert andThief!’
I feel the stupid tights falling all the way down my legs. But I don’t care. I will not get arrested. Not today.Notever!
The tights make my run more of a fast penguin waddle, so as I’m running I grab underneath where the hole is spreading and I rip it as hard as I can. Reaching the gate, I slide the key into the lock, turn it, and get the hell out ofthere!
Now that I’m on a busy New York City street, no one seems to notice me, my ripped tights and my unicorn horn, and those that do don’t care. I look behind me for any sign of the cops, and spot one leaning on a wall, eating a gigantic slice of pizza folded in half. He looks pretty chill but it could bearuse.
I take no chances and continue scampering all the way to the underground. Once I’m on the train I take the only free seat and try to catch my breath. A weird buzzy feeling courses through my body. I feel full of energy, like I could take on a bear. I think it’s adrenaline. Or endorphins. I need tocalmdown.
I yank the rest of my ripped tights off, bundle them up and shove them into my bumbag. A girl sitting opposite gives me a thumbs up as she watches medoit.
‘Walk of shame!’ she laughs. ‘Alright!’
If onlysheknew.
I return her smile with an exhausted one of my own, close my eyes for a moment and try to breathe my heart rate back tonormal.
