Page 75 of Lost to Thievery
It was a bundle of Lavender flowers.
“Now take a deep breath in of that lavender,” she said, pushing my hand up to my nose.
I did as told. Then did it again, feeling the tightness in my chest ease. I kept breathing in the smell of the lavender as my body relaxed, and my breathing returned to normal. Finally, I sank back into the bench. “Neat trick, Doctor,” I huffed, my voice sounding hoarse. Why hadn’t I thought of that?
She chuckled warmly. “Here, eat a few mints. It’ll keep the panic attack from starting again. Chewing tricks your brain into thinking the lion chasing you is gone.” She winked at me.
I scoffed, taking the tin she offered and plopped a mint into my mouth. “More like the devil,” I mumbled.
After a few more deep breaths, Doctor Aspen patted my arm. “If you’re ready, we can talk about the dream. Give you more clarity.”
I nodded, steeling myself. “Why would I dream such a horrible thing?”
“Let’s find out, okay? Tell me how you felt, standing before Owen with the knife.”
I shuddered. “By then, I wasn’t in my body anymore. I was looking at myself from farther away, if that makes sense. But it was still me doing it. I could feel the warmth of his blood against my fingers when I twisted the knife. And I felt repulsed by myself. And so helpless, so scared.”
Aspen nodded. “You know that what you tell me stays between us, right? Patient-doctor confidentiality.”
I nodded, unsure of why she would stress it.
“Okay then. Has Grayson tried to contact you?”
I frowned. “No.”
Doctor Aspen smiled. “Sorry I asked. But your dream suggests you are battling to choose between Grayson and Owen. And that you are terrified you’ll choose Grayson. I was just wondering if something had happened since I last saw you that would make you question your allegiance.”
I chewed at my lip. Why would I question my allegiance? “I hate the man, Doctor. I want to see him rot in prison. I wouldneverchoose him over Owen and the FBI.”
She stared out at the garden, contemplating my words. “What else would make your subconscious feel like there was a choice to be made between the two men?”
I sighed, rubbing at the bridge of my nose where a headache was starting to form. I already knew where it came from. It wasn’t so much a choice, but it made sense why I had pushed the dagger into Owen’s heart in the nightmare. “The night at the warehouse, when Owen thought we were going to die, he told me he was in love with me. I haven’t told you. Didn’t think it was very relevant.”
“I see.” Doctor Aspen nodded. “Now it makes sense. Would you like to talk about it? How you feel about Owen’s disclosure?”
“I don’t know. I feel sad, mostly.”
“Why does Owen’s feelings make you sad, Ava?”
I swallowed at the lump in my throat. “Because I don’t think I can love him back the way he deserves.”
“You’re not ready for love yet. That’s understandable.”
“No, it’s more than that,” I murmured. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love him right.”
She paused for a few seconds. “Is it because you still love Grayson?” she asked quietly, as not to startle me with the question.
I snapped my head to hers, feeling the irritation creeping up my spine. Why does she keep thinking that? “No. Like I said. Idespisehim,” I hissed through my teeth. The man had done nothing but hurt me. He didn’t deserveanyaffectionate feelings from me. And I would never again make the mistake of trying to love a monster. It was so achingly foolish of me to think he could love me back. Monsters didn’t know love. They knew hate anddestruction. I couldn’t fix him with my love, but he sure as hell succeeded in his destruction of me.
Never would I fight fire with stupidrosesagain. I would burn him to the fucking ground, like he burned me. “I can’t love Owen because Grayson ripped my insides to shreds and now there’s nothing left in me but a coldness, a… anumbnessthat I can’t escape. I feelnothinganymore, just rage and hate. So no, I won’t love Owen. It won’t come out right. I’ll only hurt him.”
Doctor Aspen shifted, turning to me. “You’re right in knowing that meeting Grayson changed you. You will never be the same Ava again.”
I clamped my eyes shut, willing the tears to stay inside as her words washed over me. Hehadchanged me. I had let him have so much of me that he had irrevocably changed me.
“But not all changes are bad, Ava. I have watched you grit down and rise from the ashes. The strength and resilience you have unlocked within yourself is inspiring. Who would be soaudacious, so gutsy, to attempt bullshitting a mob boss while at gunpoint?”
I huffed a laugh at the awe in her voice.
