Page 55 of Seven Summers Ago
I whip my head in his direction. “Six?” I gasp.
He and Charlie both start laughing and it takes a moment for the terror to leave my body. “Nice. Good one guys, ha, ha, ha,” I say, fake laughing.
“It was Charlie’s idea.” Beck gives me another wink, and a shiver races down my arms. It came across as flirty but maybe I’m reading into as that. Maybe Iwantit to be flirty. Which is so much worse—me wanting it over his meaning behind it. This is new, strange territory for us. We’ve never not been a couple.
“I’m going to go up and change. You’re free to go whenever you want.” I take a few steps backward and stumble a bit before righting myself.
“Oh,” he replies. “Yeah, okay.”
“I mean, unless you wanna stay. Either way is fine,” I blabber. “I just don’t want you to feel like you have to stay.”
“Stay, Daddy. Please,” Charlie begs.
“I’ll stay for a bit. Just until I know you’re good.” He gestures with his brows at me. As if we’ve got some kind of secret code. But I don’t shield much from Charlie when it comes to my illness.
“Thanks,” I mumble. I take two more ibuprofen even though it will do nothing for the pain. If I’m lucky though, it will at least take the edge off. I shuffle down the hall and climb the stairs. Beck and Charlie’s voices and giggles waft throughout the house.
My stupid self thinks about how beautiful that sound is. How maybe I could’ve listened to it for the past six years if I had just told Beck the truth before Charlie was born. It’s a cruel thing. Regrets. Letting your mind play tricks on you and punish you for things you have no control over. It’s part of my illness. Making me live a life with regrets.
After I’ve changed into a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, I come downstairs with my electric heating pad. The open space on the couch with the fuzzy throw blanket is calling to me. The only thing I want is to curl in a ball with my mini-me and put on one of her comfort movies. Which have all become my comfort movies now too. It’s strange how one moment, your go-to’s are rom-coms and the next moment they’re animated talking animals.
“I made you some tea,” Beck announces, just as I’m situating myself on the corner of the sofa.
I blink up at him as he’s gliding over with a mug of steaming tea. I don’t know what shifted between us. But something has. Is it because he knows I’m in pain? Or is he being nice in front of Charlie and later, when we’re alone, he’s going to argue with me.
“Thank you,” I mumble, taking the mug in both hands.
“You’re welcome.” And there’s a smile. A genuine smile. And then a spark when our fingers graze. He must feel it too because his eyes go wide when they lock on mine.
Warmth floods my body. Or maybe it’s the pain meds working a little of their magic.
He tears his gaze away and fake coughs into his fist. “It’s caffeinated, so hopefully it helps kick those pain meds in gear.”
That small detail is an added thoughtfulness that has me in shock. I don’t know if I should trust it. I find myself anticipating the other shoe to drop.
Curling up on the couch, I pull the fuzzy blanket over my legs and rest the heating pad on my stomach and the tops of mythighs. I hold the mug in my hands and blow lightly at the hot liquid, watching the steam billow.
“Mama, want me to put on the panda movie?”
“I’d love that.”
Charlie picks up the remote and turns on the TV, finding the Netflix streaming option. She’s learned how to work Dottie’s remote faster than I have. She finds the movie and comes and sits in the crook of my bent legs. It’s her favorite spot. I’ve gotten so used to it, that when she’s in bed and I’m up late, I miss her being cozied up there.
That thought only makes my brain spiral. What if I have to share Charlie with Beck? I have to admit, leaving him with her today so I could go to the reading of Dottie’s will was a relief. But if I stay in Seattle and Beck remains in Golden Harbor, Charlie will have to go back and forth all the time. Is that the kind of life I want for her? She finally has some stability. A good school with friends, and then West; a constant male role model in her life. Even if he’s not that constant.
“Come sit here, Daddy.” Charlie pats the couch next to her.
Beck complies, rounding the sofa and sitting on the other end. He’s so close my feet are almost touching his legs. It takes me back to all those times we sat in this very position. Him waiting out my flares and cramps, bringing me anything I needed.
The sharp pains in my gut are growing worse and I tuck my legs in tighter, bringing them closer to my chest. It’s too much fidgeting for Charlie and she gets annoyed and moves to the other couch, leaving Beck and I alone on this one.
I pinch my eyes tight, realizing I’m not going to make it to the end of the movie. It’s only about halfway through and I can’t get comfortable. The throbbing is too much. I won’t be able to sleep when I’m in this much pain. But it is almost time for Charlie to go to bed. Maybe the movement and change in scenery will help.
“Okay, Charlie. Bedtime.”
“Nooo, just a little longer. The movie isn’t over yet.”
“Sorry, kiddo, Mama is in pain, and I need to try to get some sleep too.”
