Page 97 of Heartbroken Husband
“You didn’t make Louis abandon his family,” he said quietly. “You’re doing everything you can, Adeline.”
“Yeah, maybe, but that makes it worse, Zach.” I drew in a deep breath, but it didn’t help much. “Iamdoing my best. I have been since the second they were born, but it’s not good enough.”
I knew I was spiraling. I could hear it happening, but eight years of fear, humiliation, and regret were clawing their way out of my mouth, my nerves too frayed to hold back my insecurities or my fears any longer.
“I was so miserable with Louis, but I kept thinking that maybe if I did everything right, he’d love me eventually.” I scoffed, my heart racing and squeezing at the same time, which was odd, but I couldn’t stop it any more than I could stop thewords bubbling out of my mouth of their own accord. “All he wanted was a son and I couldn’t even give him that.”
Zach’s jaw tightened visibly, but he didn’t interrupt, probably afraid I was going to tell him he was making it worse again—and I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t. “I can’t even keep the girls safe. God, can you imagine if I have a son? People say they’re much rougher. The poor kid would be doomed from the get-go, but I know how this world works.”
“No,” he said finally. “You know howLouisworked.”
I shook my head. “It’s all the same.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” I looked up again, exhausted, emotional, and suddenly terrified of history repeating itself. “What happens if we get married and I don’t give you a son, huh? Have you even thought about that? We could try a dozen times and we’d just end up with twelve more girls, which is fine by me, but how is it going to makeyoufeel?”
Everything changed in that moment, but it wasn’t explosive. The quiet way in which I shattered the fragile new relationship we’d been building was so much worse than some big, blowout fight.
Zach’s face just fell, like I’d reached into his chest and physically ripped his heart out. He didn’t even argue but I could feel the tear in the fabric of our connection.
I’d hurt him. Badly. For a second, he simply stared at me. Then he laughed under his breath, the sound dry, brittle, and completely lacking in humor. “That’swhat you think of me?”
Regret instantly flooded my veins, but I couldn’t stuff the words back into my mouth even if I desperately wanted to. “I didn’t mean?—”
“No.” He shook his head and stared down the darkened driveway. “Answer me honestly. Is that seriously what you think this is?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. The horrible truth was that part of medidthink that, but not because of him or anything he’d done. It was just because that was the way the world worked.
These powerful families? Legacy was everything to them.
Once upon a time, I’d fooled myself into thinking it wasn’tthatbad if a child was born with a vagina. This wasn’t the Middle Ages, after all. A girl could be a CEO, a soldier, anything she damn well wanted to, but I’d learned firsthand that although the rest of the world had moved on, the one percent never did.
To them, women like me were simply commodities to be traded around like strategic mergers. Boys, on the other hand,theycarried the name.Theyprotected the legacy.
Zach scrubbed a hand over his face, looking genuinely wounded when I still couldn’t force words out of my mouth.
“That isn’t important to me,” he said. “Jesus, Adeline. I thought you knew me better than that.”
The hurt in his voice made my stomach twist, but the pain in his eyes when he finally looked at me again was worse. “Do you really think the only thing I care about in a marriage is the supposed advantages I could get out of it? Do you honestly believe that I’d look at you, or Jennifer, or Lu, and think your value depends on producing some imaginary heir?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You implied it pretty fucking clearly.” His voice wasn’t loud. He wasn’t yelling, but it would’ve been easier if he was. “I’ve spent weeks trying to make sure you and those girls are protected. I’ve rearranged my entire life for this and youstillsomehow think that if we even have a kid together at all, that I’dleaveif it wasn’t a boy?”
I heard the devastation under the frustration and hurt. I suddenly realized then I’d done the one thing he probably fearedmost. I’d made him sound exactly like Louis. And I knew in that moment that I’d handled this incredibly poorly.
God. I wanted to crawl directly into the earth and let the ground consume me. Zach scrubbed a hand over his face, shoving his hands into his pockets and backing away a few steps like he couldn’t stand the thought of being near me.
“I think this trip might’ve been ill advised,” I said softly, my voice shaky now that the panic had burned through me. “I think maybe the girls and I should just go home until I get my head on straight.”
I half expected him to stop me, to tell me I was just spiraling and that we should stay so that he and I could work through it. The opening was there, but he just kept staring into the dark down the driveway, and after a long, loaded silence, he finally nodded.
“Okay. Yeah. Probably. Whatever you think is best.”
Something cracked painfully in my chest, but I straightened up, pretending that it didn’t hurt and that I hadn’t wanted him to fight for me just a little.
“Okay,” I echoed stupidly instead. Then I turned and walked into the house before I started bawling my eyes out in front of him.
