Page 39 of Hard To Fall
CHAPTER 15
COLT
Like always,my mind is racing. If self-sabotaging were a sport, I’d have ribbons hanging from every wall.
Maybe it's the weather, maybe it’s my knee, maybe it’s the way she’s everywhere around me. Her scent follows me, her laugh is in my ears, and the touch of her lips is on mine like a ghost.
I can still feel her body under mine in the barn.
I’ve never met a woman who stuck around long enough to ignore my grouchiness and then use it to her advantage. With every barb I threw out, she was there with a counter.
And I started looking forward to them.
Add the almost kiss, then the actual kiss, and finally, I had all of her. Everything about Lily slowly covered me until I started thinking things I have no business thinking. Doc’s words play over in my mind about grandkids running in the yard. For a moment, I saw it, too, the family I could have. I saw what came after I quit riding. But can I actually do it?
The first problem is that she isn’t staying. As far as I know, that’s never been the plan. She rented a room at the bed and breakfast for the time being to work the job for my parents. She had a clear timeline: come in, save the ranch, then leave.
I wasn’t supposed to meet her.
But the second problem is that now that I have met her, I want her to stay. And I've never wanted anyone to stay. To be fair, after they saw my attitude, most women didn’t care about more than a few nights with me anyway.
So instead of asking about her intentions, or better yet, asking her to stay, offering some kind of plan to see what this is between us, I’m going to fuck it up.
Because I don’t know how to handle my feelings for her, the ranch, and still make the most important decision of my career.
I’m at a point now where wanting her is not the problem; needing her is.
And the fact that the rodeo and my family need her more just leads to more of a worry on my part. Because if I fuck this up,whenI fuck this up, everyone gets hurt around me.
So what do I do? I could talk to her about it. She’d let me. I could talk to Levi, though he would just tell me to get over it. The problem is, I don't know how to handle myself. I don’t know how to change how I do things to make sure everything works out.
So I avoid her. That’s my go-to when I haven’t a clue how to move forward. Just avoid and dance around the options because it's easier than making the wrong decision.
Levi catches on immediately. “I heard something outside the other night. It sounded like an animal, but I wasn’t sure.”
I side-eye him. “What are you talking about?”
“There was moaning, almost like someone was in pain.” I look at him, and he’s got a smirk. “But then I heard someone shout a name, and I realized.”
“Fuck you.”
“Yeah, that’s what was happening.” He pauses, “Cowboy.”
I drop the bag I'm holding and point at him. “Shut the fuck up, Levi.”
He chuckles and steps back to the cart. He’s quiet for a moment as I stew in my own anger. “You’re doing the thing,” he mutters as we stack feed bags.
“What thing?”
“The self-destruct thing.”
I ignore him.
He adds, “She’s not a bull, Colt.”
That makes me snap. “Her and her happiness is not my responsibility.”
He stares at me. “Then stop acting like it is.” He slams a feed bag to the ground. “When are you going to wake up? You’ve got a good girl right in front of you, one that actually wants to talk to you, believe it or not, and you still can’t get out of your own way. You’re about to be thirty years old, brother. Isn’t it time to change the way you do things?”
