Page 45 of Hard To Fall
I can’t blame her.
And I didn’t realize how much space her presence filled in me until it was gone. And not just the flirting and sex, yes, that'sgreat, but her voice, her warmth, her ‘you can do anything, Colt’. That damn sunshine attitude that I swore I'd never need.
“Been lookin’ for you.”
I hear my dad’s voice as he approaches. I knew it was only a matter of time before he found me.
“You’ve been too quiet lately,” he says,
“Always am.”
He hums. “Not like this.”
When I don’t answer, he continues, “It’s more than usual. I mean, we all expect the grump to keep to himself, Colt, but for a minute there, we saw a new Colt, with a new light about him.”
“Yeah, well, when I open my mouth, I get in trouble, so might as well keep it shut.”
He chuckles but then says, “Lily’s been keepin’ things runnin’ smooth. This rodeo is shaping up to be our biggest yet.”
“Good,” I mutter.
“That wasn’t a compliment,” he says calmly. “It’s a concern.”
I glance at him, but he’s not looking at me; he’s still just staring at the pasture.
“She’s different than when she first got here,” he continues. “She had fire and drive. I saw the heart coming back in Hearts RoundUp, and it was because of her. She’s still got it, but now she’s running on autopilot. Things are getting done, but,” he shakes his head, “not like before.”
“I didn’t ask for this,” I say.
“No,” he agrees. “But you took it when it came your way.”
There’s more silence. I don't know what to say. I’m embarrassed by the way I’ve been acting, yet I’m still stubborn as fuck and won’t admit it.
“You scared?”
“No.” My response is automatic.
He finally turns his head and looks at me. That same look that raised bulls and two wild sons—the look that survived storms, and built a whole damn life here.
“Son,” he says quietly, “men lie about two things more than anything else. Fear and love.”
My heart beats fast, and I exhale through my nose. “Everything I worked for is beginning to fall apart,” I mutter.
He nods slowly. “That’s life.”
“I’m not good at losing,” I say.
He gives a small, sad smile. “Nobody is, but especially you. It’s because you've never lost, Colt.” He shifts his weight. “When I met your mama, I had two dollars in my pocket and a busted truck,” he says. “But she was everything to me. I thought I’d meet my girl, and our love would be enough to carry us through anything, ya know? Love is supposed to feel safe.” He looks at me. “It didn’t. It felt terrifying. Because not only did I have nothing, but now I had nothing to give this woman.”
I frown. “You must have done something right. She’s still here.”
“Know why she’s still here?”
“Why?”
“She didn’t let me run.”
Tears sting my eyes. Not because he’s hitting the mark, but because I never heard this story from my dad. Yes, I've heard how they sacrificed to begin this rodeo, but I never knew it was Mom who held it altogether.
