Page 105 of Deking
“His mom works here. She called him when she heard,” she whispers.
“You don’t owe me an explanation. What can I do for you?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I don’t know. I think you are already doing it.”
I nod, pulling her closer. “Then I will keep doing it. Whatever you need, baby.”
Losing a parent is the hardest thing for a child to go through. I know from firsthand experience.
I was young when I lost my parents. It hit me a little differently. I have no idea how to comfort her, but I know I will do everything in my power to help her through this.
twenty-six
Iwent numb an hour ago. The hospital is keeping Dad in a room until we say our final goodbyes. I don’t want to do it. The thought of seeing his dead body literally makes me nauseous. I don’t want my last memories of him to be on a hospital bed. I’d rather remember him how he was tonight before I left, but Will feels it’s something he needs to do. He doesn’t want to do it by himself, though.
So here I am standing outside of a hospital room, ready to say goodbye to my father’s dead body.
I think back to the last time I saw him. I was about to leave the house for the game. He was sleeping in his chair, but I didn’t want to leave without a hug, so I woke him up. I expected him to be out of it, but his mind was clear. He stood and gave me a huge hug. One like he used to give me when I was a kid. I could feel it all the way in my bones.
Then he told me he loved me. I said it back to him, but I didn’t realize how important that one moment would be. How it would be seared into my brain as a core memory I will never forget.
I don’t know what made me wake him up, but I am grateful for it. I might not have gotten to tell him goodbye, but he knew I loved him. That’s all that matters.
“You ready?” Will asks, tears still on his face.
I nod.
He opens the door, and we both step inside.
Dad looks like he’s sleeping. If I didn’t know he was dead, I wouldn’t know any better. They have no monitors hooked up to him, but they have a blanket over his lap, his arms lying on top, as if he will wake up at any moment and tell one of his silly dad jokes.
I can almost hear his voice now. The laugh he would let out when he made us laugh.
Will moves closer, so I do as well. His skin is gray. When I reach out to touch his hand, all I feel is coolness. There is no warmth.
“Dad, I’m sorry. I should have checked on you sooner. Maybe I would have been able to save you,” Will cries.
“It wasn’t your fault,” I tell him. “He had a heart attack. They said he went quick. There was nothing you could have done,” I remind him.
They said with our family history of heart disease, it wasn’t uncommon. Between that and all the medications he was on for his various health conditions, it was bound to happen at any moment.
It doesn’t make it any easier, but at least he is no longer suffering.
“I know, Lyla. Still, I feel guilty.”
He doesn’t need to explain it. I feel the same. Dad died thinking Wyatt and I were a real thing. He thought I had someone to take care of me. It makes me wonder if that didn’t contribute to him finally letting go.
A sour taste enters my mouth as I feel like I am about to puke. We lied to him over and over. Even when he was lucid, we played the charade. He never got to know the truth.
“Daddy, I am so sorry. I love you so much. Please forgive me,” I whisper to him.
He doesn’t answer, of course, but it feels good to say the words out loud.
“What are you sorry for?” Will asks.
I meet his eyes. “Wyatt and I aren’t really dating. It’s an arrangement to keep Kyle off my back and puck bunnies off of his. We lied. Dad died thinking I had a good man, but it was all a lie.”
Will reaches across Dad’s body to grab my hand. “Lyla, it might have started as fake, but that man loves you. I can tell by the way he looks at you.”
