Page 104 of Under the Weatherman
He picked one up off the ground and tossed it in the air, catching it like a baseball he was toying with. Then he dropped it, lifting his ankle in time to give it a solid kick. It went flying off the path. “No hacky sack, check.”
An archway divided the lanes, like a portal into another world. Beyond the tops of the trees, the land spreading out below resembled a quilt, and something about being so high above our day-to-day issues gave me the courage to speak what was on my mind.
“Evan, I—” I said, just as he said, “I’m really sorry—”
He rubbed the side of his neck, and I couldn’t tell if he was blushing or just cold. “Sorry. Go on.”
The people pleaser side of me wanted to insist he go first, but I already knew he was sorry, and I needed more than a few words to undo the damage from the night before. My trust in him had been severely shaken, and although I believed his sincerity, I couldn’t keep excusing bad behavior. I wasn’t so lonely I’d settle for someone who wasn’t ready to treat me like I deserved.
“Evan, look. What you said to me was shitty, and I was angry at you. Not so much for the words, but because you asked me to give you some grace—which I have—but then you didn’t return the favor. You didn’t give me a chance to explain.”
“I know. I fucked up and—”
I held up a hand. “I’m speaking now.”
His mouth closed abruptly, and then he said, “I’m listening.”
“The truth is, I’ve always been afraid of confrontation, and it turns me into a doormat sometimes. I had a sheltered childhood, but I don’t know how to take up space. I could have pretended to be brave last night and stayed to fight my ground. But Evan, I don’t want to need to fight my ground with you. I shouldn’t have to pretend I’m anyone other than who I am when I’m with you.”
“I know.” He looked at his feet. “I wish I could take it all back.”
“You can’t. Last night, you had a window when you might have been able to, but you didn’t call or text, and then this morning, I heard you tell Chelsea you didn’t want to see me.” I couldn’t control how my voice cut out, letting him hear how that sting of rejection had hurt.
“I didn’t think I could face you ever again.” He dragged his eyes back to meet mine, like it took an act of bravery to look at me while he shared this.
“Why not?” It was important for me to know whether this was going to be a pattern. As much as I liked him—more than liked him; I’d fallen half in love with him before last night—the other half of my heart remained walled up for its own protection, and I couldn’t live this way.
“I thought I’d already lost you, and I was too scared—no—too ashamed to find out for certain. I wanted to run to you.” He shook his head. “But why would you want to talk to me when I’m like this?” His lips folded together, and I thought he might start to cry.
I could understand that at least. “We all have those moments when we’d rather be dead than own up to our mistakes.”
“Yeah?” He hiccuped a little breath.
“Yeah. Definitely.”
“What I can’t understand is why you can even tolerate me after everything I said to you.”
At least I could now tell Chelsea he’d groveled. But I wasn’t Chelsea, and this wasn’t what I wanted. “I promised you we’d talk the next time we had trust issues. I’m honoring that promise.”
“What can I do to prove to you I’m not that person from last night?”
Usually, at a direct question like this, I’d let him off the hook with a promise to never act like that again, but I was done putting myself in a corner. “I don’t know that you can.” His face dropped, but I went on. “Not today anyway.”
“No, I get it. It will take time to earn your trust back. I hope I haven’t lost it completely.”
I stared out over the incredible view of the panorama below before looking back up into his gorgeous face, searching for the guy he’d been only twenty-four hours before. I’d spent enough time with him to paint a picture, and I believed the night before had been an anomaly, that it had been more about his demons than my perceived sins. There was one lingering question. “And do you trust me now?”
“I do.” He gazed into my eyes, sincerity shining through. “You’re just so unbelievably special. You make me think we could have it all: friendship, romance, intimacy.”
Pretty words. “That’s a good start. But Evan, friendship, romance, and intimacy, those are all actions. If you want to prove we can have it all, show me. Not once, but over and over.”
“Does that mean you’re going to give me a chance?”
“Why don’t we start by working on the friendship?”
Points for Evan, he didn’t flinch. His face radiated pure joy and relief. “Thank you, Elizabeth. I won’t fuck this up again.”
With the hard part done, I said, “Let’s go check out that little country store. I want to see how many products can be made with apples.”
