Page 105 of Kind of Famous
“And it wasn’t enough for me to tell you that?” I leaned back and stared at the pitch black sky, repressing a scream. “What did I tell you about your own mistrust being the very thing that was going to break us apart?”
“I know.” His exhale came through, matching my own pent-up frustration. “But do you know how many times my mistrust has been well founded?”
“You’re projecting your fear onto me, and I don’t know what I can do to convince you that you’re delusional, short of acquiescing to abusive demands.”
“Abusive? I’m not—”
“Yes, Shane. You wanting to control me is abusive.”
“I’m trying to convince you I’mnotdelusional. I’ve had girlfriends dump me the minute they thought they had a chance with Noah.”
“Noah stole your girlfriend?”
“No. Not exactly. Noah’s just . . . Noah.”
“What does that mean?”
“Well, you’ve met him. Imagine having him come tell me that my girlfriend tried to seduce him.”
“That’s awful, Shane.” I understood where he was coming from, but that didn’t solve our issues. “Still, I’m not the girl who broke your trust. I didn’t try to seduce Noah. Whatever I said about him on a fan forum years ago isn’t reality. I never wanted to actuallybewith Noah.”
“What you wrote about Adam wasn’t years ago. That was today.”
I wanted to throttle him. “That was an article for fans. I wrote it as a fan.”
“There’s a magnitude of difference between being a casual fan and running a fan site.”
“Not really. It’s just a hobby. It’s not a criminal enterprise.”
“It’s more than just a ringtone of your favorite song. It’s an obsession.”
“Says the guy who collects specialty bacons.”
“Funny.”
“Come on, though. Guys get football and comic books. You get to actuallybein a band. I wanted to learn how to code and talk about music. Where’s the sin in that?”
“I didn’t say there was anything wrong with it. What I said was it’s impossible not to wonder if you might want to parlay your connection to me into a chance to get closer to Noah or Adam or . . . I don’t know, absorb the atmosphere of the band. Or maybe gain some notoriety. Can’t you see this from my point of view?”
“Do you honestly think I’d be talking to you right now if I’d already gotten what I wanted? Wouldn’t I be done with you?”
“How the hell should I know? I could still be your permanent connection to the world you’ve been watching from afar for so long. I don’t want to be that person.”
Ugh. “Shane, it’s not my responsibility to make you trust people. I don’t want to spend my life trying to prove myself to you. You want assurances that simply don’t exist outside of a dictatorship. Is that really the kind of relationship you want to have?”
“Of course not.” His voice dropped low. “I want you, Layla. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. But I’m afraid.”
“I’m afraid, too, Shane. I’ve never experienced anything like this with anyone. For what it’s worth, I have doubts and trust issues, too, but I was hoping time might be the key.”
He sniffed, and I realized he was crying. Shit. “That’s what I’ve been asking you for. Can you give me that?”
“I don’t know.” Even if he got over this incident, I’d always have an uneasy feeling he was watching over my shoulder, checking up on me, questioning me. Where that might lead, I didn’t think I wanted to know. I needed him to be someone else. I needed him to stop making me feel like an opportunistic maneater, and he hadn’t managed to.
“I’ll be back next Sunday. Can we talk then?”
What more was there to say? I didn’t want to have this argument over and over. “I’ve moved my stuff out of your place. I’m looking for someplace permanent to live.”
“Right. You don’t need me anymore.”
