Page 27 of Deking at Love
“You wouldn’t know it by my grades … or some of my life choices.”A faraway look drifted into his eyes, and his gaze shifted so that he stared at the blank wall behind her.“Hockey is all I’ve ever known, all I’ve ever done.I never planned on anything else because I thought if I did, it would mean admitting I might not be good enough to make it.Having a backup plan meant setting myself up for defeat.”He turned his head toward her once more, and his eyes fastened on hers.“If I let myself believe for even one second there was a chance I might not cut it, a small crack could form, letting doubt rush in and make it expand.”He let out a mirthless laugh and pinched his sweatpants.“See?That’s not exactly brainiac logic, is it?”
“I think you’re confusing intelligence with determination.Lots of people have both, and that includes you.”His brows pinched together, and she ran on.“Think about it.Athletes have to have enough fire to choose to follow that path in the first place.But that’s the easy part.They have to keep feeding that fire, despite the pain, despite the toll it takes on their lives and their bodies, despite the dozens and dozens of setbacks and the doubts that inevitably set in.It’s brutal, and it’s grueling, yet they find a way to quiet the voices in their heads telling them to quit, that they’re not good enough.Most humans aren’t built for that.And worse, some of those voices telling them they won’t make it belong to coaches, family members, or close friends.Some are their own, sabotaging them.‘What if I’m not good enough?’‘What if my body won’t hold up?’‘What if this thing I’m pursuing will actually cause permanent damage that I’ll regret later in life?’And I expect that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what races through a professional athlete’s mind.”
He looked at her as though seeing something that wasn’t there before.“Angie, you’ve got me pegged all wrong.This isn’t an internal competition I’m having with my mind or my body.I know what I’m capable of.I’m doing this for the paycheck.And if I can’t get back on the ice during the playoffs, I don’t earn the big bonus.Ineedthat bonus.”
Angie let that tumble through her mind for a moment.“Is this focus on the money because of what happened with Brianna?”
Sam jerked backward as though she had slapped him.
Oops!Bad call on my part, but maybe it’s time we finally cleared the air.
Brianna had dumped Sam when she got tired of waiting for him to make it into the NHL and get the big contract, despite the fact they’d been together for four years.Four!That time had meant nothing to Brianna.When she ended it, she told him he would always be second-rate, would always wallow in the minors, and her plans for her future were bigger than what he could offer her.Angie’s former best friend had detonated the supposed love of her life’s world when they’d been twenty.
He had turned to Angie for consolation, and one thing had led to another after too many cocktails one night when he’d been in town.Angie had been in love with Sam the entire time he’d been with Brianna.While she had never admitted it to him in words, she had been embarrassingly eager to comfort him by pulling him into her arms … and her bed.The next morning, while she’d still been asleep and dreaming on a cloud of bliss, he’d left without a word.No note, no text, no phone call.Nothing.Angie hadn’t heard from him until the morning two weeks ago when he had shown up at her workplace on crutches.
She reached for the hot-pink elephant stress ball and tossed it at him.
He caught it easily in one hand.“What’s this for?”
“It’s my way of saying maybe it’s time we get the enormous invisible elephant out in the open and let it breathe.”
“Interesting.”He began squeezing the elephant.“Talking in metaphors, Ange?”
“I’m sorry if I’m bringing up painful memories, Sam, but Brianna was wrong.We both know that.And if this motivation for money is because of the things she said to you, then you’re wrong too.”Angie and Brianna had been best friends since elementary school, but that relationship had ended at the same time Brianna had stomped all over Sam’s heart with a calculated coldness that had jolted Angie to the core.Either her bestie had changed or she had finally revealed true colors that had been there all along, but that had been the end of their friendship for Angie.
Sam shook his head.“This has nothing to do with what Brianna said or did back then.”
“Are you sure about that?I seem to remember a guy who was pretty broken up,especiallyover her reasons, and swearing he was going to make a pile of money one day so she’d regret walking out.”His lips thinned into a hard line, and she debated the wisdom of forcing the elephant out into the open.Before they got down to what came after, maybe she needed to stuff that sucker back in its cage.“I’m sorry, Sam.I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
He simply stared at her, and she took a few steps toward him as if it could close the yawning gap between them.She felt a gust of relief when he broke his silence.
“Why won’t you believe this is not about her, Ange?It’s about the money.Period.”
“You’ve never been into the lavish lifestyle.I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you’re still driving the same Chevy pickup you were back then.So explain to me where this motivation to make the big bucks comes from.”She was treading over dangerous ground, pushing him, but what could he do except growl at her to shut up?He’d hurt her as much as he could back then, and she’d grown a thick scab over the wound.Sure, he could rip it off, but the wound wouldn’t go any deeper than it already had.
He grinned suddenly, lending him a borderline unhinged quality that shook some shivers through her.“I did upgrade trucks, but you’re not far off.It’s still a Chevy.I’ll show it to you sometime.”
She let the maybe-invitation pass and waited.
His voice dropped so low she strained to hear him.The unsettling grin disappeared at the same time.“My dad’s got a bad heart, Ange.He had to have bypass surgery late last year, and he wasn’t covered by insurance.We nearly lost him, and I was so damn glad when the doctors were able to save him, but now he’s got a mountain of medical bills he doesn’t even know about becauseI’mpaying them.
“I told the doctors and the hospitals to send them to me.But I’m not making enough to pay them all off at once.I worked out payment plans with some of them, but there are other institutions I can’t even get to respond to me, and they’re threatening to takehimto collection, not me, because everything is inhisname.I don’t want him stressing about any of this because I need him to get better, especially now that Mom’s gone.”His voice cracked on the last words, and he blinked rapidly, as though holding back tears.
“And then there’s my little brother, Joe.I’m paying to put him through college, and that’s a promise I made Mom that I have to keep.The bonuses I was counting on from getting into the playoffs were going to take care of a huge chunk of that.
“I stuck this time, Angie.I worked my ass off with the Hawks in the AHL, and I finally broke out with the big club.Started on the fourth line and worked my way to the second line.I was about to finish my first full year in the NHL, and we’re heading to the playoffs.But if I can’t play, someone will take my place, and I’ll be out.We’re heavy at left wing, and we have some guys who can really play who’ve been in the AHL with the Hawks, like I was, chomping at the bit, just waiting for their turn to show what they can do.Guys just like me a year ago.
“So that bonus money I’ve been hanging my hat on for making it to the postseason?Poof!Gone.And at twenty-six, I’m a veteran on the downhill side of the age bell curve, which means my priority is all about making the dough, andthatright there makes me a mercenary.It’s not even about the game anymore.”
She could feel the desperation and worry rippling through him, could feel the churn of battery acid in his stomach at the thought he might never get another bite at the apple.But also the care that ran deep for his father and brother, the responsibility sitting heavy on his broad shoulders.Sam had always had a big, unguarded heart.It was how Brianna had been able to dismantle it so easily.
“Then you’re not all about the money, and you should stop beating yourself up for going after what you want.What you’re actually all about is taking care of your father and your brother and honoring your mother’s dying wish.I don’t call that mercenary.”
“Whatever.Doesn’t matter what the motivation is.The result is the same.”
They sat in silence for long minutes before an idea struck her.“If you like, I could take a look at some of those bills and maybe offer some different approaches.I deal with medical offices and insurance a lot.”
“I’ll think about it.”His tone told her he was done with this conversation.
