Page 62 of The Clockmaker's Cottage
‘I didn’t notice her at first. I worked hard, was buried in lecture readings and assignments, and was late to everything and always carrying some bit of brass around like a security blanket.’
‘You were busy being brilliant,’ Pippa reassured.
‘I was busy being an anxious mess.’
‘Same thing,’ she said, and he smiled.
‘She noticed me before I noticed her,’ he went on. ‘She started turning up where I was. Same pubs. Same quiz nights. She joined the horology society’s pub quiz once. She didn’t care about the questions, but she was there. Then she got a part-time job at the clockmaker’s shop in town and said she wanted to learn about “old-world craft”. I thought it was sweet. In hindsight, I can see she was very deliberate in her approach.’
‘You liked that someone was choosing you,’ Pippa said. ‘There’s nothing wrong with that.’
‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘It felt good at the time, but there was always a niggle in the back of my mind.’ He paused. ‘When we started dating, it was easy at first. She liked that I cared about something boring. I liked that she could walk into any room and handle it. I thought that balance was the point.’
‘Then you married,’ Pippa said.
‘It was a small ceremony at the registry office. She promised me we’d be a team while I did the PhD. She said she’d earn and I’d study and we’d be fine.’
‘Did she mean it?’ Pippa asked.
‘I think she did at the time,’ he said. ‘But her world moved fast. She jumped into PR in London. Big clients, big retainers, late nights, last-minute dinners, new shoes every other week because “image matters”. She was good at it, and she liked the results, the wins. Meanwhile, I was teaching seminars to sleepy undergrads and writing about escapements at one a.m. We told ourselves it was temporary. We said that a lot.’
He paused and took a sip of wine. ‘The gap between us got bigger. She’d come home buzzing after a product launch, and I’d be hunched over references that only five people in the country cared about. She stopped asking about my day because the answer never changed. I stopped telling her because I hated watching her eyes glaze over.’
‘What about money?’ Pippa asked, not for gossip, just the truth.
‘She earned a lot, fast,’ he said. ‘My income looked like a rounding error next to hers. She said it didn’t matter, but it did. It came out in small comments. Jokes about my “little clocks”. I pretended not to hear the edge in her voice.’
‘Did you try anything? Counselling?’
‘I suggested it,’ he said. ‘She said she didn’t want to sit in a room and talk about feelings with a stranger. She said we just needed a holiday. But we never went because our calendars never matched.’ Theo paused as the waiter came over and topped up their wine, and continued as soon as he was out of earshot. ‘Then came the Clockmakers’ Ball. Black tie. Old members. Sponsors. I thought a night away would help. I booked the hotel, she bought a dress and looked…’ He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘It matters to you,’ Pippa prompted.
‘She never usually came to any of my events,’ he admitted. ‘I was amazed when she agreed to attend. We were together for about an hour, then I got pulled into a conversation about goodness knows what and she disappeared. I assumed she was networking.’ His voice went flat. ‘I couldn’t find her for the best part of an hour, then I went outside for a breath of fresh air and that’s when I saw them… I’ll spare you the details.’
‘I’m so sorry.’
‘I just left,’ he said. ‘No shouting. No scene. I walked to the station and sat in a tux on a night train with a plastic cup of tea and thought, “Okay. That’s it, my marriage is over.” There was no going back when I saw who she was.
‘She didn’t come home that night but called the next morning. She cried. Said it was nothing. Said she’d been drunk. But my gut told me it wasn’t just that night.’
‘How long had it been going on?’ Pippa asked.
‘I never got the full truth from her,’ he said. ‘I moved out into an apartment and I just… carried on. I thought if I pretended I was fine, it would be true.’
‘And was it?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘But I got through it. Waking up and making coffee and going to work and feeling stupid that I didn’t see what was happening. Dividing up furniture and deleting names from a shared calendar. Telling my parents and watching them try to be supportive while I felt a failure. But mostly I spent my time hating myself for choosing wrong. For ignoring my gut at the time. For wanting something shiny when I should have wanted something true.’
‘Nothing is easy.’
‘I knew I’d picked the wrong person, because the right person had been there but I never fought for her; I never even had the conversation.’
‘The right person,’ she said quietly.
‘Yeah,’ he said, meeting her eyes. ‘You were that right person, Pippa, but you hated me, and it turns out it was for something I hadn’t even said.’
Her breath stalled for a second. ‘Theo…’
