Page 57 of Hittin' the Right Note
“You really know how to flatter a person, don’t you?”
Mikey shrugged. “I’m just telling you the truth. Would you rather I lie?”
Luke was tired of talking. He just wanted to be close to Mikey, for them to learn how to be in the same space again, the way they had as teens.
Maybe it’s impossible. I mean, we didn’t even last long as a couple…
And that was the thing about the years separating who they were from who they had been, wasn’t it? Their teenage romance, as potent as it had been, had always been a strange and contradictory thing. For so long it had been the one constant in his life, the one hurt he could never recover from. And yet, there was still so much the two of them hadn’t really gotten to explore. They’d never had sex, for one thing, and when all was said and done they hadn’t even really had a full summer.
Maybe the lack of completion was the reason Luke had never been able to get over Mikey. He was both the one who got away and also the one who would always be the ideal of a lover and a friend. Just thinking about all they’d left behind, caused an ache just behind his breastbone.
Now, Luke was a bundle of contradictory emotions. He wanted to be with Mikey, and he wanted the two of them to take turns fucking each other’s brains out, and he wanted them to build some kind of future together. However, uncertainty haunted him, as he knew all too well what could happen if he indulged in those desires, and Luke Carter was never very good at dealing with uncertainty of any kind, as his whole experience with the forced outing had shown.
Thinking of his past made him realize something important. If he was going to continue pursuing this…whatever it was…with Mikey, he was going to have to exorcise the ghosts of his past. And in order to accomplishthathe was going to have to tell Mikey exactly what happened, so he could understand why Luke had felt so betrayed. Maybe telling him the full truth would help him heal.
“Okay,” he said. “So, I know you apologized and all, but I also need to clear the air a bit. I need to talk about what happened to me. You know. In more detail. If you want to know the true me, then you need to hear this.”
Mikey was sitting up, his eyes fixed on Luke. He actually found it rather unsettlingly perceptive.
He’d come this far, however, and he wasn’t going to back out now.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Mikey squeezed his hands, and the gesture gave him more strength than he would’ve expected.
“I’m ready for whatever you feel comfortable sharing,” he said, and Luke actually believed him.
And so he proceeded to pour his heart out.
CHAPTER 21
LUKE—2014
Even after several years of success on the charts, Luke can’t quite believe it’s come to this, can’t quite believe he’s actually made it. He thinks about what got him here–the time at NACA, the subsequent performances at local music festivals like Jamboree in the Hills, the slow but steady growth, the long hours and the relentless touring–and he’s proud of what he’s done. He wasn’t discovered like Mikey was; he worked his ass off to get here, damn it.
At the same time, it’s not all sunshine and roses. He has to pose as a good ole boy a lot of the time, and while he kind of is, there are days when it gets a bit tedious, pretending to be the redneck type when really he’s just more of a country boy. The fact he’s still in the closet makes things worse.
He’s conscious all the while of just what Mikey’s doing when it comes to his career. He’s aware of his party boy reputation, of the whirlwind relationships with fellow pop stars like Mindy Mace, of his success first with the Heartthrobs and then his solo career. And, of course, he’s aware he’s doing it without Luke. No matter how many years go by, Mikey’s still there, the one person Luke wants but can never have.
What did you expect?He asks himself every time he thinks about Mikey.Did you think he was just going to shut down and spend the rest of his life pining for a love he can never have? Life isn’t a movie, Luke, so it’s time to grow up and stop acting like it is.
The truth is, though, Luke has always been painfully jealous of the life Mikey’s living. Even though he’s bisexual, he never acknowledges his attraction to men, and he moves through the world like a straight guy.
Fortunately, they almost never move in the same circles, which is just fine with Luke.
Luke is aware, of course, he also moves through the world like a straight guy because, for all anyone really knows, he is. He’s never come out as gay–not to his family, not to his friends, and certainly not to anyone in the industry. Instead he makes do with secret little affairs with guys he knows he’ll never see again. He always makes sure he’s somewhere where people won’t know who he is, usually somewhere international. It’s always easier to go incognito in places where people don’t know him.
These little hookups are never anything serious. It is, in the end, just sex, which is okay as far as Luke is concerned. Sure, he’d like to have a relationship he could actually have in the open, but it’s just not worth the sacrifice of his musical success.
The system works well enough for him, but he finds himself wishing for a different life.
Maybe someday,he thinks.
He’s in the middle of recording a new album, so he gets up early, throws on some clothes, and goes to the studio, hoping to get in some good recording time. This one’s been a bit rough. The words just aren’t coming, and the notes just aren’t fitting together in the way he’s used to. He knows it’ll come in time; it’s just one of those things you have to get through in order to come out stronger on the other side, but it’s still annoying. It’s been along time since Luke has had to deal with this kind of creative struggle.
He’s in the middle of a session–finally starting to get lost in the music–when his producer starts tapping on the glass, trying to get his attention. This immediately makes him nervous, because Chris usually just lets him do his thing while he’s recording. He knows not to bother Luke unless it’s something really, really important.
It’s not just important. It’s devastating.
