Page 47 of So I'll Know
I’m not angry with Jeremy but my gut instinct is to run.
I don’t regret what we did. Not even a little bit. I meant what I told myself last night: I’m done denying my feelings.
But that doesn’t make accepting them any easier.
I grit my teeth and press my fingertips into the rough driftwood boards, trying to ground myself.All these messy emotions are churning in my stomach, roiling and turbulent like the ocean last night. I can’t seem to wrap my head around everything that happened.
There were multiple orgasms.
I had his dick in my mouth.
I held his hand.
I took care of him.
I wanted to protect him.
And the craziest part? It felt natural. Perfect, actually.
Fuck, I don’t think I’m straight.
Maybe that’s why I push women away. But Norah is a woman, and I’ve always liked her.
So what the heck? I guess I’m bi? What do I do with that? Even if I like women, no one has ever made me feel like Jeremy has. Is it because he’s a guy or because he’s Jeremy?
Does it even matter?
Either way, given my current predicament with my father, it’s not like I can come out anytime soon. A relationship with Jeremy is just the kind of “dirt” that Ryan would love to dig up—especially if I’m going to play along and marry Sabrina Pine.
My mind is utter chaos.
I pull out my phone and look up bars in Cannon Beach. Not that drinking will solve anything, but it would certainly take the edge off. But as I scroll the list, I realize nothing is open yet except for breweries.
I pause when the map highlights a cannabis store.
I haven’t been high in a really long time. Not since high school, in fact, when my dad’s boring-ass investment parties drove all the young rich kids to smoke in our pool house in lieu of the monotonous conversations our parents were having.
Maybe that’s what I need.
I grab my jacket, toe on my boots, and make my way into town. The weather is nicer today at least, sunshine warming my back so much that I eventually take off my coat and tie it around my waist.
The cannabis store is nestled between a candy shop and an upscale clothing store. The building looks like a residential house painted a light green color with a sign that reads, High As a Kite, accompanied by a picture of Haystack Rock, a kite in the shape of a cannabis leaf flying above it.
Cannabis wasn’t legal when I was a kid, so this is a whole new experience for me, and let me tell you, the inside of this shop ismuchcleaner than my ex-dealer’s living room. The place has a very faint skunky aroma, and the long-haired guy I talk to, Teddy, is definitely stoned, but he spouts off a wealth of information about different strains of weed.
“Look, Teddy, I just need something to help me chill out.”
“Of course you do. I know exactly what you need.” He produces a small pouch of gummies from under the counter and passes them to me.
“Edibles? I’ve only ever smoked.”
“My man, you’re gonna love this stuff. I can tell you’re really uptight.” He winks at me, and I give him a dark look. His eyes widen slightly, like he realizes I took offense. “In a good way!”
“Thank you?”
“I just mean, it’ll loosen everything up.” He taps the little package for emphasis, his dopey grin widening. “You’ll be as happy as an oyster.”
“Don’t you mean a clam?” He tilts his head at me like I said something stupid, so I let it go and pay the man. “Thanks, Teddy.”
