Page 35 of So I'll Know
He nods in agreement, but there’s a tightness around his eyes. He sighs. “That is a better reason than your sexuality.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Deny it all you want, but everyone’s a little queer, Marcus.”
The phrase echoes in my head, and I chuckle. “You’ve been hanging around Tristan for too long.”
“Maybe. But he’s not wrong, and you should think about that.” He sits back like he’s done talking.
Jeremy falls asleep after that, his head resting on his folded elbow. So I do think about it.
For an hour.
I was so adamant before that my sexuality was black and white, but ever since the night in Jeremy’s apartment, doubts have been punching holes in my logic. While Jeremy being a man is confusing, the crux of the matter is the way Jeremy makes me feel. He’s overwhelming to the point that I’m practically suffering from panic attacks every time we almost hook up. The intensity is just too much. As if I need more stress right now. And it doesn’t help that it feels like he’s been part of my life forever, even if he doesn’t realize it.
Then there’s the problem of my father, who has been trying to lead me along a specific path my whole life—and not just as another member of Skynet’s board. He wants me to lead a “traditional” life, hence marrying Sabrina. And now that I knowwhat a prick he turned out to be, I hate that I’m still under his thumb, even if it’s for the sake of my siblings. And how will it change the stakes if my father finds out I might be queer?
If I am queer. Am I queer?
I shake my head. Everything has been so complicated the last three years, and I don’t see it getting any easier. I don’t regret anything. I love Charlie and Sebastian. But I’m also so tired of sacrificing my happiness for other people.
Jeremy stirs just as I pull into the Dismal Nitch rest area for a bathroom break.
He blinks open his eyes and glances out the window. “Where are we?”
“About to cross the bridge into Astoria.”
“Really? I’ve never gone this way. My aunt always used to drive us through Portland.”
I park, and he opens his door, stretching his long legs and walking to the fence line. Thick gray mist cloaks the shoreline so that you can’t see across the Columbia River. I come to stand beside him, our arms so close that they brush.
Jeremy glances down to where our skin touched before returning his gaze to the gloom. “A lot of people complain about the rain and the clouds, but I’ve always liked this time of year. It makes everything feel cozy and safe, like home.” A blush lights up his pale skin. “Sorry, I guess that doesn’t make any sense.”
It’s quiet except for the odd seagull cry, and I shiver. “No, I get it. I like the gloom too. Though it surprises me a little coming from you.”
Jeremy chuckles. “People think I’m, like, a surfer from California because I’m so blond.” He nudges my shoulder. “You look like you’re from here at least.”
“What do you mean?”
“C’mon, Marcus. You have a beard, you’re always in a flannel and boots, and you don’t wear a raincoat in the rain. Honestly, I was shocked when I found out you don’t drive a Subaru.”
“I also hate IPAs.”
His eyes widen. “You’re just full of surprises.” He stares back at the water, one hand rubbing the goosebumps on his arm. “When I was a kid, I got picked on a lot because I’m smaller and so pale. But I like the way I look. If I’m a ghost, then I can be invisible whenever I want. Just . . . disappear. And I did it all the time, and no one noticed.” He gives a bitter laugh. “Of course, that changed when I came out in high school. An openly queer kid can’t blend in anymore.”
His story makes me feel sad for the little boy Jeremy once was. I have the sudden urge to tell him that I always noticed him. I always felt his presence before I saw him, like we were tethered together, and I always sought him out.
But I don’t.
Instead, curiosity makes me stick my foot in my mouth. “But you’re gay-gay, right?” I blurt and realize that maybe that wasn’t the best way to ask.
A laugh bursts from his lips. “It’s a bit more complex than that.”
I frown, focusing on the river shore. “What do you mean? You like guys, right?”
When Jeremy doesn’t respond right away, I internally kick myself because that was probably a really stupid question.
“I like guys and girls.”
