Page 39 of Savage Boss
If I’m not the death of her first.
18
CLARA
“How did everything go?”
“It was fine, I guess.”
“You guess?” Emily asks. “Is the baby okay? You're not sure how to feel about it? What?”
“Can we stop calling it a baby? I mean, I know it’s a baby. I know an actual person is growing inside of me, but it really freaks me out. I still have no idea what to do about it. Can we just call it thebeanright now?”
I’m not sure how to interpret the sound on the other side of the line.
“Okay,” Emily draws out the word. “Is the bean okay?”
“It's fine. Heartbeat is strong, development is on course, and my blood tests are normal. Everything is fine.”
“What about you? Are you fine?” she asks softly.
When the double doors slide open, I’m immediately assaulted by freezing air. The blue sky and the bright sunlight helps mymood, which swings wildly between shock, terror, and an odd feeling I didn't expect—excitement. Something approximating it, anyway.
“Honestly? I have absolutely no idea what I am. I think I'm everything at once and sometimes nothing at all, if that makes sense. I feel like someone's trying to pull the rug out from under me, and I can't get my footing. Or maybe that the entire world is shifting, and I'm trying to stand up straight. You know I wanted kids eventually. Just not right now and not like this.”
“Well, considering the circumstances, that all sounds about right.” I can rely on Emily for a lot of things. Number one is telling me what I need to hear, and number two ismaking me laughwhen she knows I need it.
“This is ridiculous, Em. None of this is supposed to be happening, none of it. I'm so careful with my life, planning each step, making sure I don't make the wrong choices. And yet, here I am, having made multiple wrong choices, and now I’m in a huge amount of trouble, and I have no idea how to get out of it.”
I wait with the crowd at a light to cross.
“Well, the important thing to remember is that you have options. Actually, you have quite a few. If you don’t want to raise the bean, Dmitri may do it himself. Hire a full-time nanny. Goodness knows he's rich enough to give that kid a great life. You might not have to worry about it at all.”
The idea is intriguing. But I have no idea how Dmitri will react when I tell him, or if he even wants a kid after losing his wife and his first child. And do I really want to carry this child for nine months, only to give it up to a known Russian mobster?
“Your sister was great, by the way,” I quickly change the subject.
“Of course she was. She's my sister, and she loves you. Do you want me to come over later and we can talk through all the options?” Em isn’t going to let me dodge the subject that easily. “Or we could just not think about it, watch a trashy movie, and eat burgers and fries instead.”
“No burgers and fries, please.” I have to put my hand to my mouth to press back the wave of nausea at the thought. “I am so off any type of red meat right now. Even chicken is pushing it.” I swallow hard against the rising feeling in my throat.
“Okay, fine,” Emily says, and I can almost hear her rolling her eyes. “I'll bring over whatever the hell you're craving, and then we can talk about it. Or do nothing. Or watch a trashy movie.”
I think about it for a second. “No, I’m fine. I really just need to not think about anything, and maybe the answer will come. Maybe I’ll go for a walk in the park.”
“Good idea. A walk might help you clear your head,” Emily agrees. “But call me if you need anything, yeah? I'm trying not to hover, but you know I'm here if you need me.”
“I know, especially since you're partially at fault for this kid,” I tease.
A gasp of outrage echoes over the line. “I cannot be held accountable for your terrible direction skills.”
“Bye, Em!” I singsong the reply, ending the call.
The light is about to turn green. I look down to stuff my phone into my purse, double-checking that mysaltinesare easy to reach when my morning sickness comes back. Becca, Emily's older sister, just laughed when I asked her why morning sickness doesn't only happen in the morning.
“A man must have come up with that one,” I grumble to myself. “Someone who had no idea what the hell actually goes on when you're pregnant.”
People are already packing the crosswalk when the cars at the intersection slow and then stop as the light turns red. I fall back, looking both ways before crossing, when I hear the squeal of tires, a car at the light suddenly coming fast.
