Page 149 of Stolen Hearts
“Just a minute,” I say.
I splash more water on my face.
This isn’t real. Your mind is playing tricks on you.
My hand hovers over the lock, trembling and unable to grab it properly. I steady my left hand with my right, then stop momentarily to speak to God.
I feel bad for even thinking of it, for even bargaining with God, but I don’t think I can cope with losing my sister. I don’t want to lose either of them, but if I’m forced to choose then it’s no contest.
Both my hands continue to shake as I attempt to unlock the door again. I hold my hand tightly as I pull the door open and turn out into the corridor, ignoring the person waiting to enter.
I turn, look down the corridor, and my whole body immediately stiffens.
A nurse consoles my mum, who is collapsed on the floor. Daniel stands silent next to the doctor, his stare passing straight through me and down the hallway.
The doctor rubs the back of his neck, despair across his face.
I can’t believe it. I won’t believe it. I pinch myself one more time, hoping I’ll come to back at Daniel and Kelly’s house. I barely feel the pain as my nails cut into my wrist and draw blood.
The doctor’s gaze meets mine, a sadness in his, as he shakes his head. He confirms what I refuse to admit.
Kelly’s dead.
They’re both dead.
31.Alexander
Friday - June 13
Grief isn’t something you get over; it’s something that lives alongside you.
That’s what Lee told me just after we got back from Kelly’s funeral. And when I say it’s been living alongside us for way too long already, I’m understating it. Grief feels like a third person in our relationship, and it demands all the attention.
Some days are better than others. Christopher allows himself to laugh now and then at the TV shows we watch, though I intentionally stick to comedy and avoid any mention of death or childbirth.
But the melancholy always returns.
Hours sometimes seem like days, weeks like years.
The only respite I’ve had over the last four months is when I’ve been off recording the new album in New York and Nashville. But that’s gone now that I’ve recorded the album, and I have the whole summer before everything ramps up again in the fall.
Of everything that’s happened though over the last four months, it’s Christopher’s anger that worries me the most. The outbursts, the snapping, the refusal to let me help him like I didwhen Andrew tried to take his own life and moved away. Even the stress balls no longer seem to be working.
I’d confided in my mom, back in April after one particularly bad argument, about wanting to break things off with Christopher, but she was having none of it.
You show up, no matter what. Even if you’re scared shitless. You continue to show up. Be a constant in his world full of uncertainty.
So that’s what I’ve been doing. Showing up. Doing my best to be there to support him through this. Be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. A face to sometimes laugh at first thing in the morning when I’m looking far from my best.
But I still feel like whatever I do, it’s never enough.
But instead of turning back to alcohol or drugs, I’ve continued to turn to songwriting and therapy instead. I’ve used them as outlets to express how I feel. Some of my best songs have come out of the process.
The one thing I do know is that I need a break,weneed a break, from everything. And I’m hoping our upcoming trip to chase tornadoes will give us some new memories to cherish, rather than continuing to be stuck on the past.
Today feels like a day of endings and new beginnings.
The first ending is finishing therapy. It is a little harder because Lee is now living here in LA, owing to something about her daughter and cancer. It was a blessing to do sessions in person. They got me out of the house so I could speak freely about issues with Christopher without him overhearing. I could even tolerate that my sessions followed a support group for women, who stared at me every time I headed in after them. But now it’s a curse, because I have to end our therapeutic relationship in the real world, rather than from behind a computer screen.
