Page 79 of Stolen Hearts
There’s still so much for me to learn about RAINN before the TV interviews tomorrow. What if I get the statistics wrong? Or use the wrong terminology?
I usually only ever talk about myself, my music, my acting. But this time, it’s about something far more important. Something bigger than me.
“Remember the fried egg metaphor we talked about?” Lee reaches for her coffee mug, the same shade of purple as her cardigan.She’s coordinated in a way my stylist Laurie would be proud of.
I nod in agreement, recalling not only the fried egg, but all the different metaphors I’d picked up at the Meadows: Navigating a boat through the storm. Handing back baggage that’s not mine to carry.
“You can’t focus on the white part. That stuff is out of your control and is only going to add to your anxieties. Focus on the yolk. What’s in your control? What is it that youcando?”
I take a quick glance at the RAINN notes Connie printed out and left for me.
“I can ensure I read all these key talking points.” I reach over and hold the papers up to the camera. “I can try and meditate before each show, focus on my breathing.” My chest expands as I take a deep breath in before exhaling.
Lee nods and makes a note.
“And how are your cravings?” She raises the pen to her mouth.
I’m tempted to lie so I don’t get in trouble. But, like Lee said, the only person I end up lying to is myself. And unlike others, she’s never made me feel ashamed when I’ve disclosed stuff.
“The cravings to have a drink or take drugs have subsided, but you were right about the sugar.” My tongue glides across my lips to find any remaining trace of the glaze.
“And the sexual cravings?”
I shift my weight on the couch at Lee’s question.
“I slept with Christopher last night.”
I lower my head, and notice donut crumbs on the brown carpet underneath the table.
“I see.”
Lee’s sigh hits my ears, and I don’t need to look up to see the disappointment that’s no doubt written across her face.
“It was different this time though. I took control. And I wasn’tusing it to fight off any feelings, to avoid dealing with stuff.” I return my attention to the screen.
The downward dip in her lips and her arched brows reaffirm that it’s not Lee I’m trying to convince, but myself.
“And the reason you felt like you needed to take control…” Her tone is flat.
My mouth lets out something resembling a sigh.
I hate that she knows my reasons before I do. Our conversation about repetition compulsion plays back in my head.
“To reclaim the power that was taken from me.” Frustration rises in my throat.
God, I’m so stupid.
“Right. And what have you been left with since?”
Whathaven’tI been left with would be a quicker answer.
Anger. Guilt. Rejection. Shame. Frustration. Hurt.
“I feel like crap. Christopher’s been distant ever since.”
“And you haven’t asked him why he’s being that way?”
It’s clear from her tone that she already knows the answer.
