Page 103 of To Have and To Hold
“I know.”
“I didn’t like fuckin’ guys I didn’t know.”
“I know that, too. It’s my biggest regret. Pushin’ you for more when I saw what it was doin’ to you.”
Slade twisted so he could look at Carson. “So why’d you keep at it?”
Carson met his gaze. “I was addicted to it. Addicted toyou, and I didn’t want to let you go.”
Slade closed his eyes when Carson’s fingers trailed along his jaw.
“I still don’t want to let you go,” he whispered. “But I can’t turn it off. As fucked up as it is, I can’t change who I am.”
Slade tilted his head back when Carson’s hand slid down his neck, his thumb grazing the pulse point. He made eye contact even though there was no hiding how turned on he was or how much he’d longed to hear Carson admit these things. At the same time, he kept waiting for Carson to bring up Atticus. To bring him into the room with them and lay out all the reasons why this could work with him.
Only he didn’t.
But Slade’s thoughts did drift in that direction. He thought about Atticus, about what it would be like for the three of them to be together. And he didn’t mean like this morning. Yeah, it had been incredible, but Slade had been taunting Carson, not inviting him to join.
He wanted it. He wanted to know what it would be like when the three of them gave in to all their needs and desires. Slade wanted to explore this, and that was what terrified him most. He was scared of losing Atticus, although he wasn’t sure he even had him in the first place. But the idea of Atticus deciding this wouldn’t work for him…
“Would it be the same with Atticus?” He heard himself ask the question even as he ridiculed himself for being the one to bring it up.
Carson met his eyes. “It already is. I watched you with him this mornin’. I know he feels somethin’ for both of us. That’s why he wants us to talk.”
He wondered what Atticus was doing now. Was he asleep? Or was he standing at the door, attempting to listen to their conversation? And what was he hoping would come of this? That they’d resolve this with words?
Maybe they could.
Slade turned over, kneeling between Carson’s legs. He scooted back, grabbing Carson’s hips, urging him down.
When he was flat on his back, Slade crawled over him, holding himself up so he could look into Carson’s eyes. “Tell me.”
Carson’s eyes widened.
“Tell me how it’d be with Atticus.”
Carson shook his head. “He’s not supposed to be here tonight.”
“But he is,” Slade whispered, and he wasn’t referring to Atticus being under the same roof. “I think about it, too. I’m sure he told you what we did and that—”
“He didn’t,” Carson interjected. “I told him he could if he wanted to, but I didn’t push him for details.”
“Why?”
“Because it wasn’t about me.”
That was where he was wrong. Slade’s very existence had been about Carson for a long time. Even after they stopped seeing each other, Slade never stopped thinking about him. He couldn’t. He’d fallen in love with this man, which wasn’t something Slade could turn off.
He didn’t admit any of that, though. He didn’t want Carson to know that the idea of the three of them together fulfilled something in him, too. It allowed him to give Carson what he wanted while also getting what he needed. Being with Atticus … Slade was still trying to wrap his head around how the man made him feel. While he’d been gone, it was all he could think about. As the days passed, he’d begun to wonder whether he’d imagined all of it.
Slade dropped his hips and rocked against Carson. Their jeans were in the way, but the friction was exquisite. As was the way Carson’s hands moved to his hips, and he stared up at him. For the first time, Slade had all the control, and it was clear Carson was giving it to him.
Tonight, it was possible that would be enough.
***
Atticus stared at the ceiling, his thoughtsgoing a mile a minute. He couldn’t shut them down no matter how hard he tried.
