Page 72 of Completely Captivated
Listeningto Christa open up about her childhood and how the hurtful events of her past affected her today made me want to protect and shelter her even more than I already did.What her parents put her through, how they treated her, pissed me the fuck off.I wanted to punch that dickhead Jared in the face for treating her like a second-rate friend for so long, when she’d been nothing but good to him.
Then there was me.What I did to her.How I contributed to all these feelings.My actions were the final blow that pushed her over the edge into not believing in anyone anymore.But she didn’t know about the schemes I’d concocted to win her back.The games, the intentional mindfucks for someone who already battled enough tormentors in her own mind.
Let’s not forget I hadn’t told her about my own utter failures in life.How could my confidence attract her when I faked every second of it?
When I told her everything, would I lose her for good?
With all my heart, I knew I didn’t deserve her.But I couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer.
“Thank you for sharing your life with me.”I meant those words in every conceivable way they could be perceived.“There are a few things I need to tell you before you decide if you want to be married to me or not.I’ll abide by whatever you want.”
She nodded, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears and her chin quivering slightly.But she held on to her stubborn pride, swallowed hard, and gave me all her attention.
“I’m sure if you’ve questioned my relationship with Lance once, you’ve questioned it a hundred times.He’s my brother and he loves me, that much I know, even if his actions appear otherwise.
“When I was a sophomore in college, I knew it all.Young, stupid, and more interested in partying than anything else.I’d just turned twenty, so in hindsight, maybe I should’ve cut myself some slack.But my parents and my brother didn’t, so why should I, right?A couple of my fraternity brothers had arranged for an off-campus party to celebrate…something, I don’t even know what.It was probably just an excuse to get drunk and have a good time, but I eagerly participated.
“I’d been seeing this girl for a few weeks and had finally convinced her to have sex.She was a virgin, I was her first, she was in love with me.For the record, I did care about her, but I wasn’t in love with her.I was a horny twenty-year-old sophomore who was just having a good time.
“So, I go with my buddies to the off-campus party, at someone’s place in the city.We’re all drunk, doing stupid macho stuff guys razz each other to do or risk being called a pussy for the rest of college.When this girl I didn’t know propositioned me in front of my buddies, I didn’t say no.How could I?They’d never let me live it down.
“That’s what I told myself anyway.Truth was, I didn’t want to be tied down when other girls were willingly throwing themselves at me.The girl I’d been seeing, Stephanie, shows up at the party, looking for me, and finds me with the other girl whose name I never even asked.Stephanie runs out of the house screaming and crying, causing a huge scene that embarrassed me in front of all my friends.All the shocked faces were staring at me.The same people who’d encouraged me when the girl came on to me looked at me like I was a piece of trash.
“I chased Stephanie outside, where more people were milling about, and they had a front row seat to our huge fight on the sidewalk.Stephanie turned to leave, she was done with me, but I didn’t want to end things on that note.So, I grabbed her arm and tried to get her to just talk to me.The more I tried, the more she fought me.
“She pulled free from my grip and stumbled backward.I thought she’d caught herself for a second, but the heel of her shoe got stuck in a crack.Everything happened in slow motion from that point.I guess to make sure it’s forever burned into my memory.
“She hopped on one foot for a second, trying to keep her balance and get her high heel free.Then her foot came out of her shoe, and she stumbled backward again.Only this time, she stepped off the curb and into the path of an oncoming car.She died on the way to the hospital.”
I recited the entire memory without looking at Christa.I was still so ashamed of my part in Stephanie’s demise, I couldn’t bear to think about that night.But Christa deserved to know everything about me before she decided to spend her life with me.
“I’m so sorry that happened and you had to witness that tragedy, Aaron.But I don’t understand why you think it’s your fault.It was a terrible accident, and my heart breaks for Stephanie and for her family.But it also breaks for you.”
“The rumors started almost instantly when word spread she’d died after we fought.Some said they witnessed it, that I pushed her in front of that car.They’d seen me grab her arm, trying to talk to her and calm her down.But with her shrieking at me on a busy sidewalk, that’s not at all how they viewed the events.
“An inquiry into her death meant the police had to investigate every aspect of what happened.They don’t share details of an ongoing investigation.When you’re at a college where it seems everyone knows everyone, absence of information ensures rumors, conjecture, and outright lies become the gospel.
“My parents and my brother stepped in and took control because I just shut down.I couldn’t go anywhere without people pointing and whispering about me.By the time the police concluded their investigation and released the security video that captured our entire ordeal, my reputation was already ruined.I transferred to a different college and gave my family complete control of my life.Where I went to school, what I majored in, starting the company with Lance.They became my coping mechanism so I didn’t have to make any important decisions.”
“That explains why you didn’t speak up in Lance’s office.”
“It’s why I didn’t question him when I woke up with a wedding ring on and a wife who had moved in with me, but no memory of any of it.He assumed I’d fucked up again, and he went into overprotective big brother mode.It’s what he’s done for years.”
She leaned against the back of the chair, stared at the uneaten food on her plate, and chewed on her bottom lip.That was the first defining moment of where our future went.She was replaying that day in her mind with new eyes.Seeing my failures as a man, as a husband, in a new light.
“There’s more.Should I go on?”
She nodded but didn’t look at me.
“I quit my job with Rivers Forte and sold my half of the company.When I realized what I’d done—to you, to me, to us—I finally woke up to what my life has been for the last seven years.That’s not the life I want, so I’ve started my own business doing something I love to do.
“Before I tell you the next part, I want to stress something first.Everything I’ve done or said or written has been one hundred percent true.I love you, Christa, more than anyone or anything in my life.The texts, the letters, coming here, not coming here—it’s all been part of a scheme to get you back.First, I was around all the time, hoping you’d change your mind.Then I stayed away, hoping you’d miss me enough to want me again.
“If confessing to all this means I’ve lost you because you can’t trust me again, I’ll understand.I’ll never be happy without you, but I won’t trick you into thinking you want and need me.”
She looked up at me with a small, sad smile.“I knew what you were doing, Aaron.”
“You did?”I picked my bottom jaw up off the floor.
