Page 71 of Completely Captivated
My plan to hide the blush covering my face and neck was pointless, so I smiled and shook my head at him.He stood and took the plates from me.“You love to embarrass me.Let me grab our coffees so I can at least hide my face behind the cup.”
His laughter followed me to the carafe, and a sense of loss hit me from nowhere.I hadn’t heard that laugh in so long, and I’d missed it so much.With an internal pep talk and a focused effort to avoid appearing sad, I returned to him with two steaming cups.I was überconscious of his eyes tracking my every move.
“What’s this?A new menu item?It looks delicious.”He was so relaxed, not at all the bundle of nervous energy I was.
“It’s not on the menu,” I admitted.“I made it just for you.”
He looked up from his plate with only a tiny glimmer of hope in his expression, and I realized I caused the doubts he had about us.With my indecisive behavior and mixed signals.“You did?”
Anyonewould only try for so long before accepting the inevitable.Most guys would’ve given up long ago.Was that where he was?
“Yes.Allie said something that really hurt me, because it’s true.I’ve held on to you while I pushed you away.With one breath, I tell you I want you around, and in the next, I tell you to leave me alone.I haven’t been fair to you in all this, and I’m so sorry.I can’t apologize enough.
“Allie said I need to make up my mind about you, one way or the other.She’s absolutely right.For both of our sakes, and sanity, we have to talk about what we honestly want.Without letting our pride or stubbornness get in the way.”
“Sounds good.Ladies first.Tell me what you want.”
His reply stunned me silent for a second.After my long-winded speech, I expected more of a reaction.Maybe I also hoped he’d be the first to declare his undying love for me, making my confession easier to relay.
Woman up, I heard Allie chide me in my head.She bossed me around even when she wasn’t here.
After I took a deep breath to calm my nerves, I decided to just tell him.No holds barred.No fear of rejection.We both deserved complete honesty, especially now that I was finally facing my true feelings.
“I’m scared, Aaron.Underneath this‘I can handle everything because I’m tough’act, everything scares me.When I first saw you, I was captured by your handsomeness, but even more than that, by your confidence.Then when you were interested in me, I couldn’t believe it.You choseme, of all people.
“I never took chances.I played everything safe.But with you, that was the first time I listened to that voice that asked, ‘what’s the worst that can happen?’
“For a while, we were perfect.Everything just seemed to fall into place, like we were meant to be.Then I found out exactly what the worst thing that could happen was, and losing you nearly destroyed me.”
I stopped to take a breath and gave him a chance to speak, because I had so much more to say.But he was silent.He was listening intently, but silently.
“I never talk about my family for a reason.I’ve told you some of it, at a surface level only, though.My mom is an alcoholic and a drug addict, has been my whole life.She was abusive—physically and mentally.When she wasn’t berating me, she neglected me.
“My father is equally a winner.He knew what she was doing to me, and he left us anyway.I’m grown, so I’m not blaming my behavior on my parents.But the deep-seated insecurities resurface occasionally.If my own father didn’t think I was worth the trouble, why would any other man?”
“And then, when your best friend didn’t bother to keep in touch with you, it only exacerbated those insecurities.Right?”
“Right,” I whispered, grateful he understood.“I made excuses for my father at first.Then I made excuses for Jared.But I was wrong about both of them.So when I felt betrayed by you, something inside me broke, and I couldn’t let myself give you another chance.
“If I played it safe before, I’ve completely closed myself off to everything now.If I gave you another chance, and you hurt me again, I’d never recover from it.”
“So that’s it, then?That’s your decision?You’ve decided to live the rest of your life alone and afraid?”His elbows were on the table, his body leaned in toward me, and he was completely attuned to me.As he spoke, he leaned back, withdrawing from me, and crossed his arms over his chest, shutting me out.
“Itwasmy decision,” I clarified.“At first.Until reality slapped me across the face.By hurting you, I’m hurting myself over and over again.By cutting you out of my life, I’m cutting my heart out of my chest.When you’re all I think about and all I want, I’m depriving us both of happiness by holding on to my stupid fears.I’m so sorry for blaming you for everything that’s wrong between us.My heart knows what my pride has tried to fight.I love you, Aaron.I always have, and I always will.And…” I swallowed the lump of emotion clogging my throat.“I miss my husband.”
His silence concerned me, but his refusal to look at me downright terrified me.Had I wasted too much time sorting through my feelings?
When he finally made eye contact with me, the happiness I hoped to see on his face after my declaration of love was nowhere to be found.His pensive expression was understandable; he was absorbing everything I’d finally admitted.I could even empathize if he wasn’t yet fully convinced that I was committed to him and our marriage.But there was a deep sadness I saw and felt in his eyes, and I didn’t know how to interpret it.
The little girl inside me was frightened and told me to get up and walk away.Accept it was over right then before I invested more of myself in a one-sided love affair.My automatic shields wanted to go up, protecting me from further heartache and embarrassment…from rejection…from abandonment.
But I fought against her with every beat of my heart.Because my heart was sitting across the table from me, and I was not ready to give up on my happily ever after yet.Rather than assume I knew what he was thinking and cause more trouble, I took Allie’s advice to woman up.At least I’d know without a shadow of a doubt where we stood when I heard it from him.
“Talk to me, Aaron.This is a time for brutal honesty.Tell me what’s on your mind, regardless of how hard it is to say, or even if you think you’ll hurt me.”
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
Aaron
