Page 86 of Forbidden Dreams
Looking around, I didn't have much. I hadn't bothered to hang up any pictures or bring in personal effects.
I needed to focus on organizing things and preparing them for someone else to handle. I ignored the Sterling group chat. When it buzzed for the twentieth time, I deleted it. I wasn't supposed to be part of their close-knit family.
I was an imposter and always would be. I would never be good enough to date their sister. I paused, the pain striking me deep in my chest as if I'd been stabbed.
I remembered the disgust on Hudson's face when he realized I was kissing his sister. He didn't think I was good enough for Aspen. I already thought that, but it hurt to have her brother think it too.
My entire body ached. I was tired and hungry and overwhelmed with emotions. The worst one was despair. I'd screwed everything up.
I worked through most of the night, eventually falling asleep on the desk. When I woke up, I brewed coffee and continued working.
Hudson would have told his brothers by now. They'd all know that I betrayed them in the worst way possible.
Then there was Aspen. What was she thinking? That I never really loved her? It couldn't be further from the truth, but it was probably better if she believed that. It was easier for her to hate me, to think that I didn't want her. That I thought she was a mistake.
The pain was unbearable. I couldn't seem to draw in a breath. And the words on the screen blurred.
I wasn't sure I'd be able to help Emery out at school with her tuition if I took a pay cut. I certainly wouldn't be able to buy her a car.
When I'd done everything I could to ensure that anyone who picked up the files would know what was going on and would be able to carry on without me, I logged out of the computer. Then I grabbed the extra sweatshirt I kept at the office, and closed the door. This chapter of my life was over.
I walked out of the office, my heart feeling like it had been sliced open. The pain was too much. At home, I didn't even have the energy to punch the bag. Instead, I climbed into bed and prayed that I'd be able to pass out.
I hadn't slept much the night before, and I was exhausted, my eyes gritty from lack of sleep, my body aching. I slept fitfully, tossing and turning. I hadn't checked my phone, and it was surely dead by now.
By morning, I felt like I'd run a marathon. The night hadn't been restful. I couldn't get my mind to slow down and let go.
I also didn't have anywhere to go. Instead, I emailed a few old employers, asking if they had any spots available for a day worker. That was about all I could handle now. It would be a huge step down, but I needed the money.
I accepted a job and went to work, not telling anyone what was going on. At home, I ate a bagel and fell asleep. I thought that sleep would be easy and the Sterlings a distant memory.
By Friday, I'd fallen into a routine. Work long hours, and don't talk to anyone about what I was doing, then go home to pass out. Do it all over again the next day.
My phone was off, so I didn't have to talk to anyone. I wondered if the bathroom renovation would be done in time for the ball, but it wasn't my responsibility anymore.
It was easier not worrying about material deliveries and deadlines. It was satisfying to do things with my hands. I felt accomplished at the end of the day.
I wouldn't tell Emery about my financial situation yet. I didn't want her to worry. Not when I could work harder, taking on jobs on the weekends to earn extra money. If I focused on making money for her, I wouldn't think about how empty my bed was or how I'd let the woman I loved walk away from me without a fight.
Every time I thought about reaching out to her, I'd remember the look on Hudson's face. He'd been so betrayed by my actions. I'd done that. I'd ruined everything. I thought about it so often that it pushed away my feelings for Aspen.
The reality was that I never deserved her anyway.
Her brothers hadn't shown up to beg me to come back to work. I wasn't sure what I expected, but it still hurt.
I'd picked up a side job, building a porch for a neighbor. The contractor had gotten all the materials, torn down the old porch, but then never returned to do the job. I immediately offered to help, needing the cash but also needing to stay busy.
If I was working all the time, I couldn't think about what I used to have or what I thought I'd have. This was my life now.
It was satisfying to build something for a neighbor. I was fixing a wrong, even if I couldn't change anything in my own life.
I disappeared from the Sterlings life as if I was never there at all. I was so easily replaced. It might take some time for Aspen to get over me, but she would. She'd realize that there were better men out there for her.
After working on the porch Saturday, I ordered a pizza and waited on my porch drinking a beer.
Instead, several red Sterling trucks parked in my driveway.
I downed the rest of my beer, not ready to deal with them.
