Page 59 of Better Off Wed
She was a damsel in distress, and Gideon had been the big strong protector. That was familiar. God, I was a fool.
A warm hand slid over my thigh. Gideon, anchoring me to the here and now. His touch felt so good I wanted to cry.
I owed him an explanation. I marshaled my thoughts and wrapped whatever courage I had around myself. Then I lifted my head from my hand and faced him.
“My ex cheated on me,” I said. “So I’m…sensitive.”
Gideon’s hand tightened on my thigh, as if he’d spasmed athearing those words. Slowly, he released his grip, his thumb coasting along the outside of my leg. “I see,” he said.
“He wanted to have an open relationship,” I said, the words coming out in a rush. “When I refused, he did it anyway. Hooked up with a woman who worked with him. The one he’d wanted to open the relationship for. And he said… He made me feel like it was my fault.”
I could taste Gideon’s confusion in the air. “Why would it be your fault?”
I scoffed. Leaned my head back against the headrest. Closed my eyes.
Might as well rip off the band-aid. I’d already made a fool of myself and probably ruined things with Gideon tonight. He was the kind of guy who made a five-hour round trip to sit with burn victims in the middle of the night. And he’d done it because I hadn’t been honest about my condition. He’d felt guilty about forcing himself on me when the whole debacle had been caused by me being a fucking coward. He wouldn’t want to be with someone so petty, jealous, and defective as me.
If he wanted to call off the marriage after this, it would be exactly what I deserved.
“I have a condition called vaginismus,” I said into the heavy silence of the car. “It causes my pelvic muscles to tighten involuntarily. Sex is… I wouldn’t say impossible, but it’s close. It hurts, so I don’t usually want to do it. Henry wanted to open the relationship so he could get what he needed elsewhere. The things I couldn’t give him. Maybe I should’ve agreed.” I let out a bitter snort. “Maybe it’s the only way…”
“Sadie.”
I gulped, watching the way his hand looked against theblack fabric of my dress. His thumb still made slow sweeps over my outer thigh, his fingers splayed in a strong grip. My body was trembling so much that it took me long moments to realize Gideon’s hand was shaking too.
“Sadie, I need to ask you something,” he said quietly, “and I need you to be honest with me.”
I inhaled, nodding. “Okay,” I croaked.
“The night of our wedding, did you feel…” When he paused for long moments, I found the courage to look at him. He chewed the inside of his cheek, his eyes circling my face. He looked completely, unbelievably devastated. “Did you feel like you had to hook up with me? Like you had no choice?”
I let out a bitter huff and shook my head. “That’s the thing,” I said, letting my lips curl into a humorless smile. “I stillwantsex. I just can’t have it. There was nothing forced that night. I wanted to hook up with you. I was so turned on, but then you started talking about—about penetration, and I kind of froze. And then you put your finger inside me, and?—”
“I hurt you.” His voice was strained. Tortured.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“It was, Sadie. I fucking hurt you because I was too focused on how much I wanted you to even notice that you wanted to stop.” He swore and took his hand away from my thigh, leaving cold in his wake. He rubbed both palms over his face.
It took me a minute to register what he’d said.I was too focused on how much I wanted you.
My heart began to hammer. I sucked in a breath and tried to push down the knot of hope and despair and desire that tightened in the middle of my chest.
“You…you wanted me?”
He gave me a look of confusion. Disbelief. “Could you not tell?”
“It’s just…” I licked my lips. It was hard to speak, to put into words my deepest fears. I’d never had a conversation go like this. Usually, when I mentioned the vaginismus, men would ask me if it was permanent. I could tell they were thinking about whatthey’dbe losing by dating me.
Not Gideon. He was upset that he’d hurtme. Actually, “upset” didn’t touch the sides of it. He looked anguished. Tormented. Which made no sense.
I gulped. He’d wanted me that night, but…“What changed?”
“With what?”
His confusionseemedgenuine, but how could it be? I dropped my shoulders and frowned at him. “You’ve been avoiding me. You recoil whenever we touch.”
“Irecoil?”
