Page 73 of Cruel Proposal
The last thing I want to do on a day this nice, when the sun is shining bright and there's not a cloud in the sky, is to wander around the zoo fighting. It'd be better to just avoid all topics around our family, but that's not easy, either.
There's too much going on in both of our lives to pretend that there aren't huge barriers standing in our way.
And that's even if I want a relationship with him.
I bite the inside of my cheek, not sure of what I want. Hell, I don't even know what I'm going to get even if I did want something at this point.
I know I like him in a way I shouldn't, in a way that's going to piss Aiden off when he finds out.
And there's no way Aiden isn't going to find out. Not when Noah's brought me out in public, and I know there are people following me and trying to get a glimpse of what's going on.
Noah's thumb rubs my back in small circles. "You know, you spend a lot of time in your head, but I think this might be worse than normal."
I approach the fence lining the sea lion enclosure, several of them lounging in the sun. One paddles its way to the water and slips in, swimming around with swishes of its flippers.
Noah leans on the fence beside me, his arms dangling. "You know, whatever's going on in that head of yours, you can talk to me about it."
"I think you're still going to kill me. I don't know what I want from this or from you because I don't know what's going to happen when this all comes to a head. I know Aiden is never going to be the one to forgive you for anything that's happened if this were to be something between the two of us."
"Do you want this to be something?" Noah drums his fingers on the metal of the railing, looking like he isn't sure of what he's asking.
"I don't know." I sigh and push off the railing, turning and starting down the path to the tropical animals section.
He follows me, dodging some running children who almost manage to headbutt him in the balls.
A mother shoots him an apologetic look, pushing a stroller with two more children in it and looking like she's wondering what her life has become.
Noah tucks his hands into his pockets, and though there's still a dangerous look to him, it's not like looking at him every other time and seeing that he could kill you with his bare hands.
In a setting like this, away from everyone else in our world, he looks like just a man.
And I wish I could believe that.
As we enter the tropic zone, I head straight for the mongoose exhibit. "If there wasn't this predetermined life set out in front of you, what would you do?"
There were days when I was younger when I would come to the zoo when life felt too hard. I'd sit and watch the animals for hours, looking at the birds perching in the trees high above and going to look at some of the other animals when the tropical zone got too warm.
Noah says nothing for what seems like an eternity, then he glances at me. "Sometimes, I think about a life where I don't have to do all this. I'm getting older, and I have to be honest; this is the life I thought I'd have for myself at this point."
"Elaborate."
He reaches out, taking my hand again, linking them together as we walk from one exhibit to the other. "When I was younger, I didn't see the point in having a family of my own. I hit thirty and started thinking I might want something. Now I'm in my forties and have nothing to show for it."
"You have a nice house and a good life."
He scoffs and shakes his head. "I have a half-brother who spends most of his day coming up with new ways to try and fuck me over because he can't think of anything better to do with his time."
"You could kill him. Isn't that your family motto?"
Noah's look is flat as he stops and pulls me in front of him, pointing at some of the bats hanging upside down in their enclosure as he brings his lips to my ear. "If that were true, why the hell would Gia, Zoe, and Ezra still be alive?"
"You make a point." I lean back into him as he stands behind me.
His heartbeat is steady beneath me. "I might be a monster, but I'm not nearly as bad as you make me seem. At the end of theday, I want a family to go home to, and that's just not something that's going to happen for me."
"Well, I'm only twenty-five, and I don't think that's going to happen for me either, so I don't think your age has much to do with it." I tilt my head to the side, looking up at him in time to catch his hard swallow.
"You might be right about that."
