Page 27 of What We Brave
Reid nods. We move to the living room, settling on opposite ends of the couch. Not close, but not as far apart as we were on the porch steps.
The silence stretches between us. It's different now. Less sharp. The worst has already been said.
"So," Reid says finally. "What happens now?"
I stare into my coffee. "I don't know."
Reid makes a low hum. "When's the last time you did something just because you wanted to?" he asks.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean something for yourself. Not for me, not for the job, not for anyone else. Just something you wanted."
I open my mouth to answer, then close it. Because I can't think of anything. Every decision I've made for the past five years—hell, maybe longer—has been about someone else. What Reid needed. What the restoration clients needed. What the mission required.
"I don't know," I admit.
"Yeah." Reid's voice is soft. "That is a problem, isn't it?"
We sit with that for a moment. The coffee is cooling in my hands, but I don't drink it.
"So where do we go from here?" he asks, staring somewhere around the middle of my chest.
"I don't think that's up to me. I'm here because you need me. But after that, I don't know. I can't change what I did."
"No, you can't."
"And you won't forget."
"I don't think any of us can."
I can't hide my flinch. I'm not shocked by his answer. I brought all of this on myself. But I can still wish it were different.
"Then maybe I go. I stay for a few weeks, then I move on."
"And leave me alone again. I might not want to be a co-dependent asshole, but you're still my family Blake. You can't just leave and never look back."
I'm so fucking tired. "So what. I stay here, and you punish me for the rest of my life."
"Stop being so dramatic you fucker. I said I won't forget. We can't. But I can fucking well forgive you. But you have to be here for that to happen. We just have to figure it out how to move forward."
"I don't know how."
"Neither do I." Reid pulls his legs up onto the couch, tucking them under himself. He looks younger like that. More vulnerable. "But I think that's the point, right? We figure it out together. Just... not the way we did before."
"What does that look like?"
"I don't know. Maybe..." He pauses, thinking. "Maybe it starts with being honest. Actually honest. Not hiding shit to protect each other."
"I was never good at that. Honesty I mean."
"No kidding." There's no heat in it. Just acknowledgement. "But you could try. We both could."
I think about all the things I hid from him. The resentment. The way I was falling apart while pretending everything was fine. All the damage that could have been avoided if I'd just opened my mouth.
I still don't know if I would have done anything differently.
"What if the honest thing is something you don't want to hear?"
