Page 90 of What We Brave
I push myself up on my elbows, desperate for Jamila to give me the out I'm looking for. Right now, one path seems so easy. Just walk away. Someday, find someone else, get married, get the white picket fence. And forget about the both of them.
The other path? Doomed, scary, stupid. All of that, but also, there's a little spark at that idea. Something that feels confusing and dangerous, but weirdly right.
But nothing about it would be easy.
Nothing.
She tilts her head. "Why did you suggest it?"
"What?"
"If it's such a horrible idea, why did you suggest it in the first place?"
"Because I was drunk on emotions? Because watching them fight about who got to sacrifice themselves was ridiculous? Because—" I stop. Take a breath. Why did I suggest it? Watching the two of them, both beautiful in their own way, both loving, trying to take care of each other, I got…confused. Or maybe a little jealous. I want to be loved like that. "Because I didn't want to lose either of them."
"Keep going."
"Because Reid makes me feel safe. Like I finally have a home. And Blake..." I trail off, searching for words. "Blake has this way of seeing me. He looks at me like I'm the only woman on the planet. He's intense and when he lowers his guard…God, he's such a good man. Crappy coping strategies, really crappy, but a good man."
"And?"
"And I'm tired of being the thing people decide about. I wanted to be the one choosing for once." The words tumble out faster now. "I wanted to say what I actually wanted instead of turning myself into a pretzel to fit what everyone else needed. And what I wanted—want—, I think. Maybe. Oh jeez, I'm going to just come out and say it. It's both of them." I suck in a breath so I don't pass out. "I know it's greedy and complicated. I know that it might blow up in my face. But I still want it."
I don't say the other part out loud. That part about kind of loving the fact that two men want me. The feminist core of me wants to slap my own cheek, but there it is. Yeah, I love myself. I'm amazing. Blah, blah, blah. But the idea that two men love me? Two men have seen the real me, and somehow think I'm worth loving above anyone else they've ever met? That's really heady stuff.
Jamila nods slowly but doesn't say anything. She is judging me so hard right now, and I don't blame her.
"This is where you tell me I'm being an idiot," I prompted.
"Is it?"
"Jamila." I sit up fully, beer sloshing. "Come on. Be my friend. Tellme this is crazy and I should run away and find a nice, simple,singularrelationship like a normal person."
She considers me for a long moment. Then she unfolds from her chair and sits down on the floor beside me, back against the couch.
"I'm not going to talk you out of love," she says quietly.
"It's not—I don't even know if it's love. With Blake, I mean." If he'd never tried to tear me down, I'd probably be in love with him by now. God, what a mess. Reid loving me, Blake in love with me, me in love with one and open to falling for the other.
Wait. God, would we have ended up here anyway? Probably not. I would have kissed Blake at some point, and it would have been cheating, and I would have destroyed everything. There's no way any of us would have come out of that okay.
But he did hurt me. And we all fell apart.
"Maybe you don't love him yet. But something's there, or you wouldn't be lying on my floor having an existential crisis about it."
I groan. "You're supposed to be the voice of reason. Tell me smarten up."
"Honey, I've known you for almost a year. Have Ievertold you what to do?"
She has a point. Jamila's never been the advice-giving type. She asks questions. Reflects things back. Makes me figure out my own mess.
Makes me be all grown up.
"Can't you just this once?" I hear the whine in my voice and don't care. "Just tell me it's impossible and I should forget the whole thing?"
Jamila takes the beer from my hand, sets it on the coffee table. Then she turns to face me directly.
"Here's what I know," she says. "You came to Eugene to stop running. To build something permanent for the first time in your life. And you did that. You have a job you love, friends who care about you, a life that's actuallyyours."
