Page 174 of What We Brave
Jamila's lip curls. "Have you considered that maybe they want regular you?"
"They want the woman who was brave enough to suggest a throuple. That was a moment of temporary insanity, Jamila. That wasn't?—"
"Was it?"
The question sits between us. Next to the syrup and the stolen coffee.
I think about Friday night. Reid's hands in my hair. The way he looked at me like I was precious. Saturday morning. Blake's raw need.Wanted this. Wanted you. So long.Last night on the couch. Both of them taking care of me. Neither asking for anything in return.
"I love them," I say quietly. "Both of them. I actually love Blake now — not just attraction, but real love — and that terrifies me because what if I can't love them equally? What if I love one more than the other and they figure it out and the whole thing collapses?"
"Who says you have to love them equally?"
I blink. "What?"
"You love your parents differently than you love me. Doesn't mean one love is less real." Jamila shrugs. "Maybe you love Reid and Blake differently too. Maybe that's the whole point."
Maybe that's the whole point.
Why does that suddenly make me feel like I can take a deep breath?
"I've never done this before," I say. "Any of it. The staying. The committing. The letting people see me when I'm not put together." I meet her eyes. "What if I'm not built for it? What if I'm like my parents — always needing to be somewhere else because staying still feels like suffocating?"
"Is that what staying with them feels like? Suffocating?"
"No." The answer is immediate. No thought required. "It feels like the opposite. Like finally breathing after years of holding my breath."
"So what's the actual fear? The real one. Under all the others."
I stare at my pancakes. Cold now. Syrup congealing into pools. Looks gross, but I'm still going to eat it. You don't waste pancakes.
"That I'll finally have everything I ever wanted—" My voice cracks. I push through it. "And I'll destroy it. Because I'll get scared and bolt at 3 AM. Or I'll stay and be too much — too needy, too clingy, too—" Igesture at myself. All of myself. "And one morning they'll look at each other and thinkthis isn't worth the hassle.And I'll be the one who made two good men's lives harder just by being in them."
Jamila doesn't say anything for a long moment.
Then she leans forward. Elbows on the table.
"Kerry and I almost split up. Two years ago. Did I ever tell you that?"
I look up. "No." I can't even imagine them apart. They seem so solid. So in love.
"We did. I was in a bad place with work. Taking it out on her. Picking fights because it was easier to be angry than scared. And she was pulling away because I was pushing her and I was pushing her because she was pulling away and—" She waves her hand. "You get the cycle."
I nod.
"You know what saved us? It wasn't a big romantic gesture. It wasn't a breakthrough conversation. It was the fact that she kept showing up." Jamila's voice goes soft in a way I've rarely heard from her. "Every morning. Even when I was impossible. Even when I was sure she was done. She just... kept being there. And eventually I realized that was the whole thing. That's all love is. Showing up when it's hard and staying when it's scary."
She reaches across the table. Takes my hand.
"From everything you've told me, Reid and Blake are showing up. The question is whether you're going to let them."
Show up. That's it. That's the whole thing. It can't be that easy, right?
Not be perfect. Not have all the answers. Not be the brave woman who suggests a throuple or the confident one who pulls it off. Just... be there. Present. Even when it's terrifying.
"I left this morning," I say. "Practically sprinted out the door. They definitely think I'm freaking out."
"Are you?"
