Page 80 of What We Break
"When I met Kerry, I freaked out too. Not because she was wrong for me — because she was right. And being right meant I couldn't keep one foot out the door anymore." Jamila taps her nail against her glass. "You keep talking about disappearing, about losing yourself. But from where I'm sitting, you're not disappearing. You're expanding. Those are different things."
"How?"
"Disappearing is when you shrink to fit someone else's life. Expanding is when your life gets bigger because someone else is in it." She shrugs. "The mug thing? That's not you losing yourself. That's you caring about someone enough to think about them in Target. That's normal. That's what people do."
"People who aren't terrified of commitment."
"People whoareterrified of commitment. That's the whole point — it's scary because it matters." She gives me a look. Warm but direct. Jamila's signature. "You're not Bethany, Laine. And that's not a bad thing. Bethany's chasing sunshine. You're building something. Those take different kinds of courage, and honestly? Yours is harder."
I sit with that for a minute. Could it be that simple?
"There's also..." I stop.
"Also what?"
"Nothing. It's nothing."
Jamila waits. Patient and unblinking. The woman should have been a therapist.
"His roommate, Blake," I say carefully. "He's... interesting."
"Interesting how?"
"I don't know. He's quiet and intense and kind of intimidating, and then you'll catch him doing something unexpectedly sweet — like refilling your water glass without being asked." I'm picking at the remains of my napkin now, shredding the strips into smaller strips. "He doesn't talk much, but when he does it means something. And Reid talks about him like — I don't know. Like Blake hung the moon."
"And?"
"And nothing. He's Reid's best friend. They have this incredible bond. I just..." I trail off, because I don't actually know how to finish that sentence. What am I trying to say? What is the point I'm circling?
"I just want him to like me." God, I'm lame. "He's important to Reid, so his opinion matters."
Jamila studies me for a long second. I can practically hear the gears turning behind those sharp eyes. But she doesn't push. She just nods.
"From what you're describing, it sounds like you've found something real. The whole package — the boyfriend, the friends, the sense of belonging." She smiles. "That's not disappearing, Laine. That's arriving."
My phone buzzes. Reid's name on the screen, and I'm smiling before I even have time to think about it.
Reid
Trivia Night tonight! U have to come. Together we will decimate the competition. Tony and Angie are coming. PLEAASSSEEE!
"Reid?" Jamila asks, noticing my face before I can rearrange it.
"Trivia night."
I'm really bad at trivia.
Reid
You have time to study before tonight.
I grin at that. As if I'm going to study for bar trivia. As if I'd even know what to study. Though knowing Reid, he's probably already assigned himself the food and pop culture categories and is counting on Blake for everything else.
Can't wait.
Send.
And then, before I can stop myself: "Jamila? The mug. Should I go back and get the mug?"
